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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit worried about my friend and her new relationship?

18 replies

tw12 · 04/09/2012 18:21

My friend has been seeing a guy for the past few weeks. I have not met him but some of the stuff she has told me about him rings alarm bells. He is already being quite controlling and criticising the kind of people she hangs around with, telling her to avoid some of her friends. He doesn't live near her and doesn't seem bothered about meeting up with her, except to come round to her house, shag her, and then leave (literally like that).

She says she doesn't mind because she's not bothered about a 'proper' relationship, but he seems to use up quite a lot of her mental and emotional energy as she quite often worries that he is angry with her, and tries to work out why he hasn't called etc.

He also makes a lot of stuff up about his job - I won't go into details but it is pretty obvious that 80% of it is bollocks designed to make him sound more impressive. Harmless I suppose, but I think it's a bit weird in a grown man.

I just think it's a lot of red flags. I have said something to her and she doesn't disagree but also seems happy to carry on seeing him. Am I overreacting and should keep out or should I have a more serious talk with her about it?

OP posts:
Numberlock · 04/09/2012 18:28

I think all you can do is be there to support and advise if/when it all goes wrong. You can't get her to dump him unless she's ready.

You sound like a lovely friend and she's lucky to have you. Encourage other nights out where she might meet other more 'reliable' people and allow her to let off steam while calmly explaining what you think of his actions.

How old is she and what is her relationship history like?

pjmama · 04/09/2012 18:32

You've already voiced your concerns with her, beyond that it's really up to her. Just be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes horribly wrong, without saying I told you so.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 04/09/2012 18:39

I think you should express your feelings about this man very clearly, while making sure that she is aware that you have her best interests at heart. However, it is unlikely that she will take your advice. At least, though, you would have given her food for thought. The rest is up to her.

And then as pjmama says, be there to pick up the pieces, if you can.

Original poster
tw12 · 04/09/2012 18:40

She's in her early twenties and has only had one relationship.

The thing is, she agrees with what I say and she knows he's dodgy. But she enjoys the excitement and I think she thinks she can stay in control of his weird side. But from my own experience I know it's easy to think you are in control of something like that when you're not. I've just got a bad feeling about it.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2012 18:44

"He is already being quite controlling and ... telling her to avoid some of her friends."
Is she actually avoiding them, or is she agreeing with him when he's there and ignoring it when he's not?

Original poster
tw12 · 04/09/2012 18:46

I don't know WhereYouLeft it, as the people in question are not my friends as well as hers. She says she agrees to everything he says but will ignore him. I just worry that as she spends more time with him she might start actually doing what he says. He sounds like quite a strong personality.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/09/2012 18:49

It's not very nice having to sit back and let someone make their own mistakes, but unfortunately that's exactly what you have to do (unless you think she's in danger, and nothing you've said in the OP suggests that).

If she asks for your advice it'd be OK to give it, but don't be too negative about him (remember this is a person she likes, you risk isolating her if you make just how much you don't like him clear) and don't get pissed off if she doesn't take your advice, it's up to her what she eventually does.

Sometimes having shite relationships in your 20s shows you just what you will and will not put up with when you eventually want to settle down.

Original poster
tw12 · 04/09/2012 18:59

My worry is that he seems manipulative, controlling and potentially aggressive (he certainly speaks in an aggressive way and describes violent things) and that this could lead to her being in danger, or at least having a truly shit time.

I hope I am just being hyper-vigilant and that he is just a knob.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/09/2012 19:09

You sound like the best type of friend to have to me, if your friends can't look out for you, who can? Smile

BrevilleTron · 04/09/2012 19:11

If he has a tattoo of a girls name 5 letters in old English script in inch high letters across his back avoid him he's a conman
Ringing alarm bells for me too.

Original poster
tw12 · 04/09/2012 19:18

Ha Breville I don't think that's him but thanks for the tip

I think another part of the problem is that she likes a bit of drama and excitement, which he provides. And that's fine, as long as it doesn't turn into anything more sinister

OP posts:
Original poster
tw12 · 04/09/2012 21:06

Bump for any more advice?

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notmyproblem · 04/09/2012 21:31

Have you met this guy at all or are you just going on what she's told you about him?

If it were me, I'd make sure I met him then I'd start digging up some dirt about him snooping around a bit on google or FB or wherever just to have in my back pocket for the day I might need it.

The best you can hope for is that your friend get sick of the charade and embarrassed to be with him, but her self-esteem sounds kina of low for that. So maybe work on her self-esteem with her a bit? Build her up, get her talking about stuff other than him when you see her (job, hobbies, etc.) and feeling worthwhile. So that hopefully she can see the light and show him the door eventually.

Original poster
tw12 · 04/09/2012 23:54

I haven't met him at all, so it's all going on what she says.

I guess it worries me that she's not prepared to say 'fuck you' and not bother with someone who gets annoyed with you spending time with your friends.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 05/09/2012 00:05

My friend has been seeing a guy for the past few weeks. I have not met him but some of the stuff she has told me about him rings alarm bells

She's in her early twenties and has only had one relationship.

(he)doesn't seem bothered about meeting up with her, except to come round to her house, shag her....She says she doesn't mind because she's not bothered about a 'proper' relationship

has she (or you) been reading 50 shades?

Original poster
tw12 · 05/09/2012 00:22

haha no! honestly. (although maybe he has)

OP posts:
TheQueenOfDiamonds · 05/09/2012 04:38

I know a man who is exactly like this and I dated him for a while - he spends 95% of his time lying about himself to impress people, thinks he knows everything and will declare that so and so is a twat and you should avoid them, will usually meet up, have sex and leave, unless he wants your company for a specific reason. (His name isn't andy is it? Haha, they do sound similar!)

Tbh, with the right sort of person, he was pretty harmless, and at the moment I wouldn't worry, as chances are, like me, she will get bored of it. She's enjoying it because its probably vastly different from her first relationship, and therefore exciting.

I just ignored his ramblings mostly, and then one day he complained about my horse and said I should choose between him and the horse. Horse won hands down, I didn't even have to think about it.

Original poster
tw12 · 05/09/2012 16:21

Ha no he is not called Andy

I guess you are right, it will probably be OK and she will get fed up with him. If anything changes I will say something to her

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