To think I haven't bonded with my 4 year old DD?

[steponetwo]

My DD is 4 years old and my eldest, I have toddler twin boys too.

I wonder if I have ever bonded with my daughter. I seem to be so much more natural, forgiving, affectionate around my sons .... with my daughter I am harsh and critical and expect so much of her because she is the eldest. It's ridiculous as she's only 4 years old.

My own mother was very detached and never showed any affection. I am scared I am turning by biggest fear into reality by replicating the distant mother/ daughter relationship with my own child.

I know I am doing it, I can see that I am damaging my DD's confidence every time I tell her off. I am overly critical about normal 4 year old behaviour. For example, telling fibs, repeating herself, crying over tiny things, not sharing toys with her brothers.

I wonder if she even thinks I am on her side sometimes. When we are out with friends she always goes to her friends mothers rather than me if she wants to ask for something or if she hurts herself.

Please help. I am trying so hard not to do this to her. I start everyday promising myself I won't make her feel bad, but by the afternoon I have always snapped about something. I want her to be a strong and confident woman and I'm completely messing her up.

Well you''re aware of the problem....that's one thing. You say it's because she's older...but she wasn't always a sibling...were you ok with her before you had the twins?

I think that its good that you've recognised it and admitted, don't let anyone berrate you for posting about it as how else can you explore your motives and behaviour in order to change things?

FWIW I think I'ld possibly be the same if I had a girl, its a big fear I have! I feel much more easily irritated by little girls! could be around little boys all day long! I also didn't have a great bond with my own mother

I think you should take a look at the Stately Homes thread in the relationships section. I haven't got time for a longer post, but it sounds like you have issues stemming from your relationship with your mother. Look into it, I did, and it helped me see where I was going wrong. My mother is a narcissist (my own diagnosis after researching it and reading extensively).

I think you will be ok if you recognise what could be happening with your little girl and seek to change it. You obviously have empathy(lacking in the narc), as you are feeling for your dd.

The thread is very supportive, and filled with women who had a similar relationship with their mothers, and now fear replicating it with their dds. You aren't alone.

just wanted to add that you already sound distinctly different from toxic type mums

my mum for example will acknowledge that our relationship wasn't great! but will never accept that it was anything but a 50/50 thing as if a toddler/child has the same amt of responsiblitly and control over the parent/child relationship that the parent has! ... and that doesn't sound like you! so you're already on the road to improving the relationship

I completely understand, I was terrified of having a daughter and out of 5 children, I have one . Her twin is a boy which makes it more difficult as well. I do try but do I try hard enough

I'm so sorry you feel like this, it's awful. Were you PND at all? I was, without realising at the time, and one effect was that I 'froze' a bit. It took me at least 3 years and a good counsellor to realise it though. I have different issues with my mother but know exactly the fear of replicating the relationship and the horrible trapped feeling that it will turn out the same way. Take comfort from the fact that you are already aware of it, that's a good thing, if hard to deal with. If you can, I would really suggest a counsellor. Understanding your my relationship with my own mother - or trying to! - is helping me to be a mother myself.

I actually feel the same as you. Breaks my heart my my lovely so well behaved dd bugs me, I have to remind myself to kiss her goodnight ask about her day ect. Where as my son it comes natural. My mum was cold and detached but more and more I sound like her. Argh I feel upset now

Oh I feel so sad for all these lovely dds with mummies who can't bond with them. Ladies please do get some help with these issues.

V helpful Nutella! didn't it occur to you reading the posts that guilt may actually be CONTRIBUTING to the bonding difficulties? so well done for adding to that.. and this thread IS about the OP wanting/seeking help on the issue!

well i would like to say well done, for admitting theres a problem, you are half way there with your attitude.
do you think if you were able to get someone to have the twins say once a week or once a fortnight, so you could have some one ot one tome with your dd that would help.?
you could make the one ot one time somethign fun.
liek going for lunch together or cinema ir swimming
is tthere any particula thing oyu would enjoy to do with her?
as if its something you enjoy im sure she would too

and could you simply just stop the critasing and maje a consious effort to notice at least two good things she does every day? and praise her alot for them?
do you think you would be able to simply stoop expecting too much of her?

remmeber tomorrows a new day.
a new chance for both of you

i think you could have a wonderful relationship with her, i really do

I think the good thing is that you've recognised it.

Do you think there's anybody out there who thinks they have a perfect relationship with their dc and always do the right thing?

I often think OMG I've been too critical today and it's taking a bad turn. I'm going to counter this and do something about it tomorrow.

So the next day I'll make a special effort to do something nice with her - even it it's just for 5 minutes, making a model or playing a game. Then tell her how proud I am of her achievements or something. And what a gorgeous girl she is.

When you feel it's all slipping, do something positive is all. There is plenty of time to make this good.

Brave post OP, thank you for sharing.

I have had similar problems with my DD who is nearly 7.

My own mother was very affectionate but my father wasn't so I don't think there is a link there for me. I do have MH problems of various descriptions and I have been working on this for a long time now. I hope I can make it right.

one thing that can help with negative thoughts about anything at all is closing your eyes for a second and thinking of a red trafic light. Might be worth trying when your DD is irritating you?

Yep it's really positive that you recognise it and now you can choose to bring your DD up differently to how you were. Can you think about what exactly you want to do different?

I struggled to bond with my second. He is now four and it took a couple of years but now we are very very close. I found a few things helped.

Think of all your DD's positive points and point them out to her or other people. If she ever does share a toy, tell her how kind it was and how proud it makes you. Even if you don't feel positive and warm towards her, act like you are because eventually real feeling of warmth will follow. Have time alone with her and do something you both will enjoy. Have fun and aim to bring humour and laughter into the relationship. You can still use time out/naughty step if needed in relation to whinging. Although the whinging and crying is probably her trying to get your attention. The lying thing is developmental by the way. Some thing to do with cognitive development, so she will probably out grow it.

I was brought up like you OP. Nobody really showed much affection or said 'love you;
With my DD1 I have had to make a conscious effort to tell her I love her at night time before she goes to sleep, even if it doesnt come natural to me. I will try the same with DD2 when she is older.
Once you make that step it becomes easier and more natural.

I think there is way to much emphasis on the 'bonding' thing. Every mum loves her kids and every mum is a busy and needs to set time aside to do things with them. You are a busy mum with twins to look after, you are probably tired and at the end of your tether most days - it will pass once the twins are older. Just try and make that cuddle for her and 'I love you' every day even if you don't do much else with her and ask her to help you with things like getting the twins dressed and changed ect.

Yanbu.

Why not ask for this thread to be moved to parenting or somewhere more appropriate?

Thank you for the supportive messages. I've downloaded the books you have mentioned.

Marb and Whiteyelloworchid, thanks for the positive suggestions. Feel crap and sad for my DD. I do give her positive feedback and praise, and maybe once a fortnight we do something just the two of us on a Saturday. The problem is I do these positive things partly out of guilt. I feel so sad writing that down. What I want more than anything is to have an incredibly close, trusting, nurturing, loving bond with my daughter and it's as though I am preventing it from happening.

Op I had/have similar problems. Advice I read on another thread about not bonding was simply fake it til you make it.

So imagine the type of mother you would like to be - warm, fun, whatever. Then imagine how a mother like that would behave in ordinary situations eg dawdling over getting in the bath or losing something. Its really not easy to imagine this if your parent(s) weren't like this. Then when you find yourself behaving instinctively eg being critical or cold, try and act like the imaginary mother. And congratulate yourself when you manage it and don't berate yourself if you don't manage it.

I'm not sure if it is very sound advice psychologically but I have found it helps. Alongside therapy on the NHS.

I thought it was just me!

I find I lose my temper so much quicker with DD than DS. And she knows it. SHe is a tricky child at times and is a bit hyper and difficult, but she is also 7, pretty, bright and funny.

I find for me it comes in cycles. Things usually improve when I treat her more as an adult (so discuss her day with her, talk about what we are having for tea, give her tasks that make her feel grown up), which I know sounds odd, but mainly it's about just being nicer to her and that in turn makes her easier to deal with as she is less naughty and attention grabbing.

I also find catching her being good and talking about that helps too. So I find myself reminded that she is a good girl instead of constantly finding what she is wrong at.

I am by no means perfect and I suspect myself and DD will have an up and down sort of relationship, but it doesn;'t have to be more down than up.

(I hope that helps, because typing it out has reminded me what I need to do to get over the current slightly down phase)

I expect a lot of my DD as the eldest and she is only age 5. I do think I am more hard on her than her younger brother. I feel guilty so often and worry about how my actions as a Mother will affect her as she grows up. It's horrid. I could have written your OP myself on a bad day.

Now my son is getting older and easier and she is in school full time, I feel I am parenting a little better.

I also discovered I was very depressed at one stage and went on ADs for a year, that made a massive difference to my parenting.

Someone else said it already; but the fact you recognise you could do better, already shows you're not your mother.

Some Mum and daughter time is a great idea if you can. My DD loves that.

Please, for your daughter's sake, get some therapy. You need somewhere to work through these issues so that your relationship with your daughter can be a more positive one.

I am the eldest daughter to a mother who made it abundantly clear that she preferred the company of my younger brother.

She, even now, says I was the difficult child, that I was stubborn and defiant.

I don't actually think I was that difficult but her tolerance level for me was very low. However my brother had none of the critical or belittling comments and thus he was probably nicer to be around because of it. I, on the other hand often felt frustrated and angry and of course this did not endear me to my mother either....

OP it sounds as if you care a lot about your daughter and want her to have a happy childhood. You and how you feel about her are a big part of that. So please get some help, for both of you.

I worry about this alot too, OP, and think you've been very brave posting about it. I also think you're being extremely hard on yourself whereas you should be proud of yourself for trying hard to make things better. There is some good advice on here, and I'll try to use it too. I have in the past apologised to DD1 (6) and DD2 (4) for being impatient or short tempered after something has happened just to put the blame on to me and to make them realise it's my issue not theirs. I think that helps so long as you do it soon afterwards a specific event and not just apologising in general. Hope that makes sense.

Do you think it's about having twins? When I had mine my little boy was the focus of a lot of frustration. I felt resentful of him, short tempered with him whilst being very loving to my girls. It was like I suddenly had to split my self in three when I only had emotional resource for two. I told my health visitor and she did pnd questionnaire. It came out as very depressed. I look back and felt terrible but it's like another person. I love my boy and he loves me (thank god!) so relieved that part of my life is over!