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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OCD - or just rude?

18 replies

JohnWayne · 03/09/2012 22:29

My wife's close friend has a husband who is I suspect OCD.

Our house is not especially tidy or modern, but it's not like something out of How Clean Is Your House - we do wash up daily, but there toys on the floor, and letters not filed from 3 weeks ago by the door.

Anyway, wife's friend lives in a brand new house and her husband appears to have some sort of OCD. He just came back from with his wife and kids (wife is from ), and apparently he ate lots in the luxury hotel at breakfast buffet than ate nothing else all day, refusing to eat food cooked by m-i-l whom they visited each day. Ok, hygiene standards are much lower over there, but still.

Anyway, they dropped by unannounced to drop off some gifts they'd brought back, I invited them in and called my wife to say that they were here. (She had gone shopping locally.) She came back later, after they had gone, and said she didn't want to be in the house with him because the last time he had been here, she had witnessed him opening our front door using a tissue, when he thought nobody was watching.

My wife had noticed this and was deeply offended and thought it very rude (hadn't said anything to him about it).

I said to her 'that's not normal behaviour, it's mental illness, have some understanding, he's not being rude he's just OCD or something'.

The husband is always polite and quite friendly, so I don't see that my DW should be offended by him opening our front door with a tissue when nobody was watching. Ok, he obviously thinks our house is unsanitary, but that's his problem not ours....

OP posts:

Noqontrol · 03/09/2012 22:30

OCD, at least with the tissue behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 03/09/2012 22:33

It's a common thing for OCD sufferers to do that, even in their own houses so it's not rude.

I hope he's getting help though.

Matesnotdates · 03/09/2012 22:33

It's OCD. Poor bloke. Your wife really shouldn't be offended, it's not in the least personal. I would imagine he thinks ALL houses other than his own, are unsanitary.

pictish · 03/09/2012 22:34

I don't think he's rude either - I think he probably can't stop himself.
Poor man. I too hope he gets help.

AnnaLiza · 03/09/2012 22:35

It's a bit stereotypical that people with OCD are obsessed with cleanliness. Some are of course, but that's not the main obsession very often. So I would not conclude someone has OCD based on the tissue episode only.

littlemisssunny · 03/09/2012 22:35

I have suffered with OCD for over 20 years and that's what it sounds like to me, if he was being rude he wouldn't have tried to hide the fact he was opening the door with a tissue.

Please tell your wife it doesn't mean he thinks your house is unclean, trust me we don't want to do these silly little things but we have to.

My sister does things like that at my house too and I know it's not personal she can't help it.

Most people I know, including myself are very embarassed about the things we do, and try and hide it.

Original poster

JohnWayne · 03/09/2012 22:38

Don't know if there is something about OCD men marrying Asian women, but my wife has another close friend with a husband who is obsessive about hygiene, always throwing away food if it was cooked the previous day, obsessive about keeping house spotless actually throwing away stuff generally because it's 'not needed', and he goes out and eats his meals in Subway rather than eating wife's food.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/09/2012 22:40

Well I doubt there's 'something about it' or they wouldn't marry them, would they?

mumof4sons · 03/09/2012 22:41

I agree with you. Sounds like he may have OCD and your DW shouldn't take offence. My eldest DS (19) has OCD and while he is somewhat ok about touching things in our house, he is very reluctant to touch things outside our home. If he does happen to need to open a door etc, he will use the sleeves of his shirt, his elbows or the hem of his shirt. I even found him trying to use his foot to open and shut things.

This condition is very hard for the sufferer and it is often heighten when they are under stress. I've had my son in tears because a bus driver thought he was being difficult about handing over money.

Please ask her to patient with the friend's DH. He doesn't mean to offend.

hhhhhhh · 03/09/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolaSchmoola · 03/09/2012 22:51

Definitely OCD - I've lived with it for 22 years, for me it is a stress response. Over the years I have learned to manage it, but in periods of intense stress it does increase.

At one point I would not touch door handles - not even in my own house, so he definitely isn't being rude. I still struggle with handles on toilet doors, seeing the number of people leaving without washing their hands makes me panic.

He will know it's completely irrational - he also won't be able to help it. OCD is very difficult to live with. Latest research is suggesting it's caused by a mis-wiring in the brain, and as such has a physical cause rather than being a mental health issue per se.

PLEASE PLEASE ask your wife to go to www.channel4.com/mad and watch the OCD simulation wearing headphones. It explains just how much a person with OCD struggles to do simple tasks that other people don't think about.

littlemisssunny · 03/09/2012 22:59

That is interesting about the wiring in the brain coola do you know where I could find out more about that?

I hate public toilets, I have nightmares about them. I shudder when people walk out without washing their hands and want to run after them and spray them with antibacterial hand gel my boys have an obsession with them the other way, if we are out they always need the toilet even though they go before we leave, I think they are comparing facilities, like mystery shoppers!! I daren't take the chance they don't need, even though they mostly don't need to go!

I was using the hand gel years before it became so popular you could only get a Milton version in the baby section of boots!

blueglue · 03/09/2012 23:02

Yes it's mental illness. Your wife should not be offendedat all - it's nothing personal to you/your house.

CoolaSchmoola · 03/09/2012 23:14

It was on a tv programme - but I've just googled, it has been found that a specific chromosome gene variation has been found to double the likelihood of developing OCD. It is also thought that a chemical imbalance in the brain may contribute to the development of OCD. Both of which are physical. Obviously stressors contribute massively, and people without the gene variation or a familial link can develop OCD - but some of us are far more likely than others to develop it because of these physical variations, so when a stressor comes along if you have the gene variation and/or the chemical imbalance you have a far higher chance of developing OCD. Because something in your brain makes it so.

CoolaSchmoola · 03/09/2012 23:15

I really need to start previewing.... Hope that made some tiny semblance of sense lol!

littlemisssunny · 03/09/2012 23:20

It made sense to me! Very interesting, basically certain people are more likely to suffer, but it doesn't mean they are going to, and people don't have to have the physical aspects to suffer, but you have a higher chance if the right factors are there?

CoolaSchmoola · 03/09/2012 23:23

Pretty much - and it can be heriditary.

All very much in the early stages - but they have definitely found the gene variation.

Is it just me or is that a polite way of saying mutation? And does that then make us all X-Men?!

InkyBinky · 03/09/2012 23:32

Maybe his hands were dirty and he didn't want to mark your door handle

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