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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be astounded that DP is even considering doing a night shift OT on the day I am booked for a D&C?

24 replies

QueenSconetta · 03/09/2012 18:05

I'm so astounded that I'm not even cross really.

Essentially the background is I am currently having an empty sac mc. Had all been going well I would have been about 8 weeks, but they discovered at 6.5 weeks or so, there was only an empty sac then after rescanning a week later still only an empty sac.

As I've only had 2 very small bleeds I am booked for D&C on Thursday, with general anaesthetic etc.

Then this afternoon I get a text from DP saying 'there is a night shift overtime on Thursday, can I do it?'. Erm, not really who is going to look after DD (2.9) if I am not well enough? You can't presume she'll sleep, what if she's not well? etc etc etc

We don't need the money as such, it would be additional money rather than essential to cover bills.

Now, I am grateful that he ran it by me first rather than coming home and saying 'I am doing an overtime on Thursday', but surely you would think 'QS is having an operation on Thurs, of course I shouldn't put my name down for OT I will be needed at home'?

OP posts:

MyLastDuchess · 03/09/2012 18:10

I'm sorry for your loss and wish you a speedy physical recovery.

I can only think that he just doesn't get it. There's surely no way anyone would think it was reasonable if they really thought it through. I would also be astounded and think that my partner had just not really understood what was going to happen.

littlemisssunny · 03/09/2012 18:12

You need an adult with you for 24 hours after a general anaesthetic anyway so tell him it's for medical reasons.

Sorry to hear you had a miscarriage I had 2 and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I had a d&c and felt ok after but extremely tired, you need him there for you mentally as well as physically.

KatAndKit · 03/09/2012 18:12

you will need supervision from an adult that night as you have had an operatiom with general anaesthetic. the usual advice is that someone should stay with you. when i had this procedure i needed to rest that evening and obviously i felt very emotionally fragile and needed support.

sorry about your miscarriage, hope you have a speedy recovery

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 03/09/2012 18:17

Thanks all, I am doing ok at the moment, but not looking forward to Thursday, although I am keen to have it over and done with IYSWIM.

I wasn't aware of the 24 hour thing, so thanks for that.

I think I actually laughed out loud when I got his text. I think MyLastDuchess is right, he just doens't get what's involved, despite me telling him.

Maybe it's just habit. He works hard for us and does a lot of OT so I guess it's hard to pass up the chance when you're used to always doing it.

OP posts:

holyfishnets · 03/09/2012 19:45

You need to be looked after!

TheWonderfulFanny · 03/09/2012 19:48

Yes you need to be looked after. It may be he's in coping mode though - pretending it's not happening? I hope so for both of you.

And sorry for your loss

SauvignonBlanche · 03/09/2012 19:50

If you're having a GA you won't be allowed home unless there's an adult with you overnight.
Hope all goes well for you.

CaliforniaLeaving · 03/09/2012 22:58

Speedy recovery to you. He will need to be home to watch you and take care of the little one. Bad timing on the overtime. Are you sure he didn't just mistake the date or not connect the two when he called to say there was overtime available.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 04/09/2012 08:02

I think this is just one of those times when a DP has protected themself a bit from difficult things by not really thinking things through - and thus gets themselves in a pickle. I suspect his thought processes go something like ''QS is having an operation on Thurs, but they said it's a fairly minor procedure and they said it would be very straightforward and she will be fine and she is doing fine now so everything is perfectly normal and that's all I'm going to think about it'
I assume you've set him straight OP but I wouldn't dwell on this. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or the loss of your pregnancy. Quite the opposite in fact. Sorry for your loss btw.

Hopeforever · 04/09/2012 08:06

Northernlurker speaks wise words. He didn't mean to hurt you!

So sorry that you have to go through this Queen.

Bellyjaby · 04/09/2012 08:19

So sorry you're going through this. Sometimes I think men just don't think. I had a major op a few years back and was terrified, but oh went to work in the morning and only visited me after he'd done this half day. He'd have done a full day too but his boss turfed him out of the office! A few hours after op I couldn't stop crying, apparently that's a pretty common after effect. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, possibly relief?
You'll definitely need another adult with you for a while after.
Good luck and I hope it goes well.

RuleBritannia · 04/09/2012 08:22

Who will be looking after the little one while you are in hospital?

AlistairSim · 04/09/2012 08:25

I'm sorry for your loss, Queen and I hope it all goes well for you. x.

frayededges · 04/09/2012 09:03

sorry for your loss. don't think he meant any harm since he did ask. don't be upsetting yourself. its not ok to work when you both need to be looked after. its just that men don't have the same emotional make up sometimes- -the practical side of things can seem easier to handle in times of upset/crisis.
hope all goes well and look after each other.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 04/09/2012 09:32

DD will be at her childminder's when I'm in the hospital as I normally work a Thursday and so that keeps her in her routine.

I think you are all right, he wasn't being malicious just stupid! He has now turned down the OT, and has offered to take me out for dinner on Saturday for my birthday if I am feeling up to it!

OP posts:

Malificence · 04/09/2012 11:28

I had one in similar circumstances when DD was the same age , DH had a couple of days off I recall ( it was nearly 20 years ago) , I was a bit wobbly for a couple of days, physically and emotionally and needed him at home.
Does he actually understand what the procedure is?

MammaTJisWearingGold · 04/09/2012 12:53

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

When I had a D&C, I lost a lot of blood and had to stay in over night. He probably would not be able to do his night shift if that happened.

Glitterknickaz · 04/09/2012 12:58

I'm so sorry for your loss x
I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you. I'd have reacted incredibly badly too x

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 04/09/2012 19:35

Thank you all for your kindness. Slightly off topic, am I likely to be in pain afterwards?

OP posts:

CaliforniaLeaving · 04/09/2012 21:20

Afterwards is cramping and bleeding like a heavy period. They'll give you instructions on what to watch out for, like the amount for bleeding etc. But you will want to get some rest and sleep, lots of fluids. Don't use tampons after, get some big old pads.
Be kind to yourself while you heal.

iggi777 · 04/09/2012 21:29

I had very manageable pain, but I did take painkillers to be on the safe side.
When I came home from the operation, I took the painkillers I'd been given (but your hospital might not - get some ibuprofen in just in case) and I just went straight to sleep, slept all evening and into the next day. No way could I have looked after ds.
You've had a long and horrible wait since you found out the bad news - you might find the operation gives you some peace as it will finally be over. Good luck for the future x

goodnightmoon · 04/09/2012 21:37

If it makes you feel any better, my husband went on a week's snowboarding holiday about 15 hours after my second miscarriage (d and c)! I've never really gotten over that.

Sorry you are going through this.

MammaTJisWearingGold · 04/09/2012 21:47

I am a big wuss and coped with paracetamol and brufen for the pain.

KatAndKit · 05/09/2012 06:51

I took co-codamol for the pain, it was a bit worse than period pain and I also found a hot water bottle to be nice.

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