To think that I should take parenting classes?

[toptramp]

This parenting milarkey dosn't come naturally to me.

Take my hidious first day back at work. DD wanted to wear a summery party dress. I wanted her to wear a sensible dress that was warmer and wouldn't matter if it got paint on it.

Instead of just letting her just wear what she wanted we both had a tantrum and I got so mad and screamed at her as I was tired and in a hurry to get out of the door. She hit me and I felt so mad. She is 4.

I just feel that I should have let her wear what she wanted but pack a more sensible option for the child minder. I just feel that she is pressing my buttons at teh moment and hitting me a lot and calling me a stupid women etc.

I love her so much but I just am shite at parentiong and inconsistent too. . What can I do? Why am I getting so angry?

toptramp sorry to hear your bad morning :(
Look at my v recent thread about discipline/crushing as a lot of people have given great advice in there!

I think it's not a case of you being shite at parenting, just a case of you need to be better rested and organise things the night before so you can handle your dd better. I hope that doesn't sound patronising because I don't mean it to be. I've been finding I'm getting grumpy and snappy and not a carefree joyful mum to DS lately!

I'm trying to work on the worst bits first e.g. 5-7pm was pretty awful so I've planned dinner times better and made meal plans and made a list of quick meals. I'm going to bed earlier even though I want to stay up as I just seem to need a lot of sleep. Little things like this are helping.

Why are you getting so angry? because you feel guilty/sad/miss her? I have had a lot of anger issues recently and have spent a lot of time thinking things through - why am I angry, acknowledging how I feel and why, thinking about how I want to respond, accepting that nobody is perfect (I have very high standards and get angry when I/my dc's don't live up to those standards).

Also, talk to your dd - tell her you're sorry for shouting, explain how you feel. Talking things through when I'm loosing it with one of my dc's helps me talk my way out of it, and helps them understand what's going on.

I have a stroppy DS aged 4.

He started trying to test me by choosing his clothes ( which he has never done)

For obvious reasons such as him picking his designer Ted Baker T-shirt to wear for nursery where they get stained and ruined I choose his clothes for him.

I chose his clothes the night before whilst he is in the room with me getting ready for bed. This way IF something does arise it is the night before & i can handle it better. If he asks why he can't have a different I explain about paint etc and say things like 'but this one has an awesome shark on it' etc.

Don't feel bad. I have always been quite maternal and good with children - I however don't think I'm a natural mum with DS & we often argue which my lovely but childless sister tells me I shouldn't do.

Little shit.

I think we all feel under pressure to stick with a decision once it's been said - so when she wanted to wear the dress and you said no, you couldn't then change your mind and so you have an adversarial situation you didn't have time for. Take a breath before you say no, that way the whole thing can be avoided. Ask yourself, does it really matter? If it does, say no and mean it. If not, let her do her thing. It will take the heat out of a lot of situations. It's not the answer, but it's a start.

She is 4, you decide what she wears - of course discuss, let her have input, BUT you do decide. She cannot hit you and not see consequences. Better to walk out the room than shout. If you really struggle parenting classes may help, my friend went and it seems to have helped her a little. It is quite basic though from what I hear and you may be better to read a book. Prempt as much as you can - clothes the night before is a great idea, letting her help choose from a small selection of items. Make sure you really want to say no, before you say it, then you MUST see it through. Always listen to their reasons for not wanting to do the thing they need to, show understanding and compassion but never give in if you have decided to say no.

Great suggestion from Domeon with choosing from a small selection.

Sometimes I take two tops out of the wardrobe (close the door behind so he doesn't see another he likes) and casually say - 'what top should we have for nursery tomorrow - Dinosaurs or bugs'.

In your case it might be - yellow with flowers or pink with butterflies etc.

Is that Pink and butterflies for GIRLS bub?????????

I do the choosing from only two options thing - it works for me. DS still feels that he is getting a choice and I get to control what he wears.

We all question our parenting at times. Parenthood is constant guilt that we might be getting it wrong. I think it sounds like you are doing fine - you have already located the source of the 'problem' and made plans for dealing with it next time. You don't want to be shouty, and you are probably less shouty than you think (we all shout sometimes, and we all feel mad with our children sometimes).

I'm sure it is very stressful for you going back to work. Hope things get easier soon, and that you get into a happy rhythm with your morning routine.

Honestly? And this comes from someone with. 6 long years experience of a contrary dd, and battles about clothing, choose 2/3 suitable outfits the night before and then let her choose which one In the morning. You are happy, she is happy.
I know people say pick your battles, I say pick your battleground and make sure you win no matter which option they choose ;0)
You may also find that phrasing things differently helps, eg I find "come upstairs please it's time to get dressed" is met with lack of enthusiasm, whining and dragging feet, but "shall we go upstairs and choose something to wear" gets a child skipping up the stairs and cooperating happily.

I like 'pick your battlegrounds' ! Lovely phrase. Of course sometimes it is difficult to predict, but some battles can be headed off before they start.