to avoid having a second child around the time my first starts school?

[RachelW76]

This is not an 'AIBU' so much as a 'Am I being sensible?' and I would be interested to know if anyone has any experience of this...

DS is just 3, and will start school Sept 13, so will be young for his year. He is a lovely and bright child but also very sensitive, likes things 'just so', doesn't adapt well to change in routine, takes a while to warm up to new people etc. Moving rooms at nursery is always a couple of weeks of misery. So I'm assuming that starting school might be tough for him, at least initially.

Meanwhile, we are thinking about TTC number 2 soon. We weren't initially sure if we wanted a second child at all, but after much discussion have decided that we do.

SO... here comes the question bit... I had thought we might start trying soon, but avoid trying to get pregnant at a time that would mean a new baby would arrive between say August and November next year, i.e. when DS will be starting school. Does this sound like a sensible precaution, or unnecessary anxiety? Did anyone have a new baby around the time their first child started school? I am 35, and my DH 42 so, although by no means 'old', I don't feel like we have all the time in the world and maybe avoiding months of trying just to make my own/DS's life easier in the very short term is madness.

Any thoughts welcome!

dd3 was born the week before dd1 started school - it really really wasn't a problem at all. (the problem was dd2 who wasn't even 2 at the time!!)

I think if you want a second child, just go for it, I wouldn't worry about estimated due dates at this point.

When DD1 started school DD2 was 6 months old. It was actually really good as I could drop her off and pick her up so was there after school to look after her and talk to here about it and any worries she had. It was hard getting everyone ready to leave the house at 8.30 though (also had DS who was 2)! I have found it harder this time as DS has just started and I work part time so not always there to pick up and drop off.

I think you're over thinking it. I had my second (aged 39!!) when my eldest was due to start reception. Baby born end of July eldest started school in the Sept.

I would have said it was just perfect. Eldest got to meet loads of new friends and had something new and exciting to be involved in and look forward to. When he came back from school I was able to make a fuss of him and ensure he realised he was important as always.

Baby got my undivided attention whilst his brother was at school and I didn't have to try and juggle my time between a 4 year old who had previously had me all to himself and a newborn baby who did need a lot of my attnetion.

If anything I would be aiming to have a baby as my elder child started school.

If you can plan it that carefully (can you?!) I would avoid a due date a few weeks either side of starting school (not ideal to be juggling a 4 day old baby on first day at school, being 40 weeks and barely able to walk, or worse still in labour on the actual day!) but other than that I wouldn't worry about it.

However it turns out children quickly adjust to the new arrival :)

Thanks all - v useful. Obviously there are lots of advantages - like being on maternity leave for after school pick-up and so on. It was more the question of whether to leave a few months clear to focus on the school thing, much as you say BetsyBoop.

I planned my second to be born in September. He was born in January, 15 months after I had planned to have him. I fell pregnant first month with number one, took over 13 months of TTC with number two.
Another friend planned to have her baby in October to allow for school starting. Baby was premature.
Unless you are using IVF I would say it is better to just get on with it if you want another child!

Agree you are slightly over thinking it. You have no idea how long it will take you to get preganant, how your DS will cope with a new baby, school etc. You do what is right for you and deal with what happens.

For what it is worth, my DS was 3y 9 mo when DD was born and went to school when she was 4 months old (he was also youngest in his class). He coped with the new baby and going to school fine. What he found harder to cope with was the moving, crawling toddler stage when she wanted to play with all his toys. First 10 or so months pretty easy. When she was walking it went pear shaped a little. At that stage she was a "threat" which she hadn't been when she was a baby. They are now 7 and 3 and fight like cat and dog one minute, are all cuddles the next. Children cope and adapt.

Also, I was on mat leave when he went to school so easy to do all the half days at the beginning and be there for all the meetings.

I don't agree that you're over-thinking it .. I did exactly what you're considering.

DC2 had had some speech problems, his development was a bit slower as a result, and I wanted to be able to focus on him properly during his first half term at school and let him settle in without the big change of a new baby at home too.

We TTC for a few months without success, when it was going to mean a baby arriving August/September we stopped for a few months, then got lucky as soon as we started again and DC3 was born early November. That worked perfectly for us.

I had DS3 in November the autumn that DD1 started school - DD1 was fine but it was hellish for me. We had quite a long walk to school and doing that either (a) heavily pregnant and with sciatica, and then (b) with 3 children, including a newborn in winter weather was awful. One of them was usually ill and we had a month of chickenpox. I spent most of the winter weeping.

Saying that, I think you're over-thinking it a bit - you can't conceive to plan, babies come early /late etc. I mc'd a summer baby, hence DC3 turned out to be a winter baby. I personally think winter babies are harder work but it's meant to be better for school etc. There's advantages and disadvantages no matter when they're born.

Dd2 came exactly 2 weeks before dd1 started reception and if I'm honest it was a hard time for dd1, she is sensitive but has always been confident with it and it really knocked her sideways having a sibling and starting school all at once. She took a while to settle into school and was very emotional. She also did not take to dd2 at all and it's only now that dd2 has turned 1 that dd1 has started to warm to her. Of course she could have found school difficult anyway, we're just assuming it was the arrival of dd2 but just thinking about that initial period still makes me upset.

That said all children are different and adapt to new situations at different rates, it just came as a shock to us that dd1 reacted the way she did.

I started school about a week before my brother was born. It affected me deeply, and has done ever since. Still bitter about it twenty-cough years later.

I also think you are overthinking here. 3 or 4 is a great age to understand what's going on and yet young enough to adapt quite quickly.

My dd was just starting preschool when dt's arrived. I did worry it would look to her as though she'd been sent off and replaced by not one but two babies. She was fine though. One or two wobbles now and then but it all settled quickly.

I was worried about this, but DS 4.8yrs has coped very well for a sensitive child, he loves DD (7wks) and has really loved being home with us for the last couple of weeks as he was in full time nursery whilst I was at work. It has been a lovely time, and I am finding it a lot easier with 2 than just DS, although it helps to have a baby who sleeps well, I would plan to do this again if I had anymore, it's also great that I get to be there for DS first yr and get 6 hours alone with DD Monday-Friday as well.

I think it has its advantages. My friend did it and said it felt like she was having her pfb all over again. She was able to do all the classes (massage,sensory etc) without worrying about her DS who was at school. It also meant that her baby DD got undivided attention all day, so she didn't feel guilty about putting her DS's needs first when he got in from school.

Also, not quite the same but my DD is also quite sensitive to change (almost had to withdraw her from playgroup because she didn't settle for ages) so when I was expecting DD2 I was a bit nervous of DD1 (2.3 at the time) reaction. As it was, we were able to potty train her a week after the baby was born! She loved the attention and the fuss made about her special 'thing' iyswim? Perhaps if you made a big fuss about your DC going to school he would embrace it?

Hello, I think you suffer from Pfb-itis, it is not unkindly meant, I suffered it too.

I have a highly sensitive DS1 (google the term Highly Sensitive, you might find it interesting) and he was a very difficult, clingy boy, young for his age, not good with change etc. When his brother was born, he started to change. Firstly, he was fascinated with the baby. never ever jealous at all. It has been really good for him. Just good, nothing bad. It has also been good for my pfb-itis, as it meant I stopped focussing so (too) much on DS1, which actually did him a world of good. Me too.

Don't wait, go for it.

These things often can't be planned: take a look at threads on secondary infertility, conception, miscarriage and premature birth.

Your ages (DH's as well as yours) suggest that it'd less risky not to wait.

Having a very sensitive dd1, I understand well where you are coming from In the space of 7 months, she had a new baby sister, had moved house (and area) and started preschool, having been with me f/t til that point. She was incredibly stressed by such huge life changes: developed a stutter, night terrors, was anxious and clingy, picked her skin til it bled, etc. She's always thrived on routine and knowing what's happening next so she was utterly stressed out by all this.

We had already had dd2 by this stage, but we did postpone having dc3 until she was well into year R at school (she's an August bday and started 10 days after she turned 4!) I'm glad we waited, as it took her six weeks (of horrendous behaviour) to adapt to starting school - and we have now realised that any change will take her 6 weeks to get used to, and then she's fine.

Just wanted to give another perspective from a mum of a similarly sensitive child! (I think until you've had one no one else can quite know what it's like and just how stressed they get!)

I had DS (DC2) 2 months before my pfb DD started school.
Twas not planned. We had been trying for 2 years and suffered 2 miscarriages by then despite having easily conceived 1st child and being 35.
By that time all thoughts of age gap had gone out of the window and we were just grateful to have a baby at all.

However it has been lovely. Due to being on mat leave I've been able to play at being a SAHM for nearly all of DDs 1st year at school and consequently made much better friends with other mums than I would have if I was at work. I've been able to volunteer on school trips (newborn in sling no bother) and go to all her sports days and assemblies with no worries about time off plus host play dates. Tiny baby was a good icebreaker and talking point for kids and parents alike.

I think it is not so easy to predict your 1st child's reaction either. DD was excited to have a baby brother and loved taking care of him when he was little. I've found that her jealousy actually kicked in more when DS was sitting/ mobile/ smily and better able to compete for attention. Now he's 14mo and I'm struggling with his jealousy of her!

Overall my opinion is you can't predict or plan these things to that degree of detail. Just let it happen when it will happen and it will work out fine one way or another.

The arrival of Dd1 was probably the best lesson we could have taught DS1, it made my highly strung DS realise that other people are just as important as him and our love for him is unconditional. He actually took to her really well and given the age gap they absolutely adore each other.

Unfortunately life doesn't run exactly as you want it to, and having the robustness to deal with things is a skill to be learnt young.

I wouldn't try to time it in any way, let what happens, happen. Your DS will quickly learn to adapt to new things and sometimes having it all happen at once can help this. My DC2 was born at the start of April, my DS was 3.3 at this time and stopped going to CM and started pre-school 2 weeks after his sister was born. He also seemed to be a child that liked things "just so" and did sometimes ask me when I was going back to work and him back to CM and DD back to hospital!! But, he adjusted to these changes very quickly and has gained a lot of confidence in doing so.

Don't worry about your DS, he will adapt, probably more easily than you expect. Don't "tip-toe" around him and worry too much about his reaction to a sibling. You will be giving him the best gift you can, another family member who will love and look up to him.

Sorry to come back late, but thank you for all the responses to this - v useful. And Chandon, I don't mind at all being accused of PFBitis, I'm sure it is partly true.
Agree that it is impossible to plan as you wish but think I would plan to avoid an August/September/October baby, more for my own sanity. But I take all the points that a new sibling can sometimes help a sensitive/clingy child become more adaptable!

...well, September/October babies have a real advantage at school and the rest of their lives, won't you think of that for your precious second born?!

I also think you have been overthinking things. At 3 years old, how many times has he changed classrooms at nursery?

I would just get on trying to get pregnant and not worry too much about when the baby arrives. In the grand scheme of things, child number 1 having a couple of weeks of tears at starting a new school (which could happen with or without baby on the scene) really doesn't need this much worrying about.

Deal with it when you have to, who knows he may just settle right in.

When my ds1 started school he started with another boy who's baby sister was born two days before the first day. His Mum was lucky that she had an uncomplicated labour and was able to be there for all the first drop offs and pick ups.

The reception teacher was so taken with the new baby that it probably worked in this lads favour. She took the time to chat to the mum and coo over the new baby, so she knew that this child's home was going to be slightly disrupted as the family adjusted to having the third child, and she probably kept an extra eye on him to make sure he was ok.

He was fine, he's now going into year 7 and they are a lovely family with happy, well adjusted children.

I had DS 5 weeks before DD started reception. It was great timing for us. I got to take DD to school on her first day which would normally not have been possible as I work full time a 90 minute commute away. I then had lovely bonding time with DS whilst DD was at school and was able to take him to mother and baby groups, baby massage etc and then had time to make a special fuss of DD when she came home from school. For us it worked perfectly.