Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Shit, I think I am "that person" regarding a wedding :(

19 replies

bogeyface · 02/09/2012 19:07

H has been asked to be best man at a wedding and his family will be invited who are toxic and vile. The one who made death threats to me wont be there (the groom has cut him off totally) but the rest of them who are almost equally vicious, will be invited.

I have said that me and DC wont go with DH if they do go because a) the atmosphere will be horrific and I dont want that on someones special day and b) I am not a very confident "ah fuck them" kind of person and I would be in a bit of a state all day. As H is best man he will be busy with his duties so I will be on my own with only a couple of people that I vaguely know there.

Just to make it clear, I have not said "I'm not going if they are going" in a "choose between us" way. He has every right to invite who he likes, but I have declined the invite based on my feelings about the family, I had to explain why i wasnt going. The thing is, the groom understands perfectly (he knows what went on) and said that if they decline (as we think they might) then would I come? I said yes of course but I dont want to be the last minute addition they have to factor in! Also, I dont want my relationship with the bride (who will be related to me) starting off on a bad note because I was being a pita about her wedding!

For various reasons I havent met the bride yet and I am really worried that she thinks I am being "that person" who demands a veto on invites, when I am really not :(

And this isnt even beginning to cover how upset H is that I wont be there with dc (although he understands too but says that it means that the family have won again).

AIBU to not go?

OP posts:

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff · 02/09/2012 19:10

YANBU. Awful situation.

Just keep talking to H and write a letter to the bride (or email) wishing her luck and love on her big day and explaining that you wouldn't want a situation that has nothing to do with her, potentially spoiling her big day.

Offer to take her out post wedding for a warts n all rundown of the day?

NermalAndGarfield · 02/09/2012 19:11

YANBU to not want to go, I don't blame you, that sounds horrid.

I'm sure the bride will understand if the situation has been explained to her. But maybe you should do as the groom suggests and hope they decline the invitation so you can go.

Not very nice feeling like you can't go because of them though.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 02/09/2012 19:11

Nope, not in the slightest. Life is way too short to expose yourself and your children to toxic people just because someone, somewhere, might possibly disapprove of you not doing so. You're being perfectly open and honest with everyone, not shouting the odds or trying to insist on other people not being invited, just responding to your invitation in the negative.

MorrisZapp · 02/09/2012 19:11

Sounds a nightmare. Don't go.

IWishIWasSheRa · 02/09/2012 19:14

What Briancox said! Yanbu at all

Original poster

bogeyface · 02/09/2012 19:14

I wish I was a more confident person tbh, then I would just brazen it out. It is only a couple of people that are the problem but they really are vile and of course, completely in the right. All of this is my fault, even the death threats were all my fault (cant quite work that one out!) and they are the sort of people that get louder and more vile the more they are proved to be in the wrong.

I just cant face that, and I feel like an idiot for letting them do this to me :(

OP posts:

MySpanielHell · 02/09/2012 19:16

I wouldn't worry about it. I think you have given the most sensitive explanation to the groom that you could have given, and that the bride will understand.

Catsmamma · 02/09/2012 19:16

i would say that if the groom has offered you the last minute option then not to worry.

I've no idea of the history, but just on the numbers front, atm your H is going, and "they" are going, if they don't and you do it's practically a swap!

NermalAndGarfield · 02/09/2012 19:21

Death threats aren't something you can brazen out, what horrible people. Maybe do as another poster suggests and go out for a nice meal with the bride and groom when they get back from honeymoon. You'll get to know the bride better that way as well.

JustFabulous · 02/09/2012 19:23

And surely the groom has told the bride what has gone on so she will know you are in an impossible situation.

MammaTJisWearingGold · 02/09/2012 19:24

You sound like you are being totally reasonable and the groom understands, so I am sure he has explained it to his WTB too.

I hope they do decline and you can go and have a lovely time.

PopcornCity · 02/09/2012 19:27

Could you ask the groom to pass on your sincere apologies to the bride and let her know, as BrianCox said, that you wouldn't want the situation to cause problems on the day? Then leave it at that.

Personally I wouldn't go for emailing the bride directly, as she's already got enough to be getting on with and it might seem like you were wanting her attention.

Then be sure to send a lovely card and a present, and lots of good wishes, when the time comes.

VonHerrBurton · 02/09/2012 20:18

I wouldn't want to even potentially risk a situation where anybody could lose their temper/cause a scene/become upset. It's someone's wedding.

Don't go. There have been some really good suggestions on this thread, especially BrianCox's.

MadameDefarge · 02/09/2012 20:39

why dont you invite groom and bride over to you? suggest it before the wedding but arrange dates afterr? that way you can say would have loved to be there but dcs have smallpox whatever, and you can show how welcome she is in your family?

MadameDefarge · 02/09/2012 20:42

obv the smallpox suggestion was a bit tongue in cheek but your invite would show you meant well and wished them the best?

YouOldSlag · 02/09/2012 20:42

The groom understands, so he will explain to the bride. They sound like nice people, so if you don't go, invite them round for dinner after the event to get to know the bride and look at photos etc.

You've done your best, it's your DH's family's fault, not yours. If he's upset, they are to blame not you.

YANBU.

ViviPru · 02/09/2012 21:07

YANBU
if they decline (as we think they might) then would I come? I bet this ends up happening.

dont want to be the last minute addition they have to factor in Don't worry about it. It's no big shakes to shuffle the guestlist around, particularly as they sound like reasonable people and you've been totally upfront.

Original poster

bogeyface · 02/09/2012 21:33

Thanks all. I was a bit worried especially as there is a bride posting about her mother being a PITA at the moment, I was worried that they were thinking that about me!

H is very pissed off. He totally understands and isnt mad with me, but he is bloody fuming with the people that have caused all this. He says that they have no shame and dont care who they hurt. I think thats partly true but its also because they genuinely believe that they are 100% in the right and that all the problems are caused by me therefore why should they have any shame at all?

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 03/09/2012 17:10

I don't think you are anything like the bride's mother on the other thread. She is making threats and being very difficult, but your situation is totally different.

The groom is understanding and knows you don't have a lot of choice in how things have turned out. You are not hijacking his wedding in anyway and he knows your situation. Relax- you're doing fine.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread