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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if anybody else has the opposite of fair-weather friends?

25 replies

Closetoboilingpoint · 02/09/2012 14:39

I've had some really crappy times over the past year. My friends have been wonderfully supportive for which I am eternally grateful. I shut up about the problems ages ago as I didn't want to be a bore. It had got to the point where I was put on AD's and stopped eating.

Now things are looking up for me, I've had something really good happen to me and what I've got from certain friends is not 'Congratulations!' so much as jealousy and resentment. They were all over me when my life was crap.

Does anybody else have 'gloater' friends? This is a new one on me!

OP posts:

WhatYouLookingAt · 02/09/2012 14:41

How nice of you to be so lovely about the wonderfully supportive friends who saw you through tough times.

WhatYouLookingAt · 02/09/2012 14:41

And you're not asking an AIBU either.

valiumredhead · 02/09/2012 14:41

Perhaps you are coming across as boasting a bit and it's getting people's backs up? If you have win the lottery and are telling all in sundry then perhaps tone in done a bit?

valiumredhead · 02/09/2012 14:42

down

FriedEggsAndHam · 02/09/2012 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DolomitesDonkey · 02/09/2012 14:45

Congratulations on getting better! :)

My therapist said it was very "normal", the balance of power shifts and they don't like it. It's like when a fat woman loses weight, she goes from being "the fat friend" to sexual husband-stealing competition!

Original poster

Closetoboilingpoint · 02/09/2012 14:46

I did say I was enternally grateful for their support - I truly am. I'm just a bit suprised at the change. Is that so terrible?

OP posts:

FriedEggsAndHam · 02/09/2012 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 02/09/2012 14:48

I know what you mean, OP. Friends who like you when you're needy and down, because they can feel useful and possibly superior - but when things go well for you, they're not interested because they're either jealous or because they don't feel "needed" any more; they've lost that "superiority" that they had over you.

They're not a lot better than fairweather friends - it's a bit ghoulish to only be friends with people when they're in a bad way. :(

I'm sorry that you feel let down by them - perhaps find some new friends, who can share in your happiness as well as your sadness. And congratulations on whatever your good news is!

FatherHankTree · 02/09/2012 14:49

OP do you mean the sort of friends who seem to relish you struggling but make snide comments along the lines of 'it's alright for you' when things are going well?

If so, I know what you mean. I used to have one of these.

maddening · 02/09/2012 14:51

I think when you have a lot of drama going on and this becomes a focus of a friendship then when there's no drama anymore a big gap is left that used to be filled with the angst of that drama, people find they are not the same people anymore.

Priorities change too and you can all be too wrapped up in your troubles that you don't notice yourselves growing apart.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow · 02/09/2012 14:56

I know what you mean. Some people love to be the saviour or rescuer of someone. When that person becomes capable of standing on their own two feet they lose their appeal for the rescuer. Others are intimidated by others' success or happiness.

I also have a friend who only comes to me when she is having a shit time, having been quite rude to me before.

Latara · 02/09/2012 14:59

Yes, i think this happens sometimes so YANBU to think that of certain friends.

hattifattner · 02/09/2012 15:00

invite them over for drinks, make a little speech about how your new found happiness is down to their brilliant friendship and support, and let them know you will be there for them through their ups and downs. Then get totally sloshed together and have a laugh and redraw the friendship back to a more neutral and equal footing.

ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 15:01

Some people are emotional ambulance chasers and seem to thrive on drama.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 02/09/2012 15:05

yup!

One ex friend was annoyed that I hadn't told him my father had died - he loves a bit of misery drama! then he kept telling me that I "needed to cry" - what he meant was that I needed to cry ON FRONT OF HIM so he could be the centre of the drama and importatn ... then when things go well for me he's bitchy about it!

Had another friend who also loved to be there for me.. which was great but it was more about her need to be needed than what I ACTUALLY needed in bad times IYKWIM. If things were good for me she treated it like a competition and was really resentful of any "luck" I had even if it wasn't luck it was bloody hard work to get what I got

lots of people like that about

changeforthebetter · 02/09/2012 15:05

I have a friend like this - on my uppers, newly-single parent and about to be made redundant, she was supportive. I retrained, lost a heap of weight and now she acts like I left something nasty on her doorstep Lots of rather snide comments about "having it all" (from the woman with allegedly perfect husband, kids and earning way more than me)

ITA that some people do unfortunately get off on the power trip of indulging in someone else's misery. Many of them lack the personal insight to recognise that they are doing this.

Big sigh, big mug of tea/bar of chocolate and move on

Original poster

Closetoboilingpoint · 02/09/2012 15:07

This isn't all my friends I'm talking about - just one from one group and another very old, close friend from another.

I was planning to have the 'group' over for drinks and food, but have been thinking better of it as I don't want to be seen as boasting. I may present the evening as a thank you.

OP posts:

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 02/09/2012 15:08

my mum also has a friend like this, if anyone is bereaved or similar she arrives on their door to "support" them and doesn't know when to leave them be... we've lied to her in the past to stop her getting her kicks round someone who has just had something bad happen..

she is the same with heavily pregnant women... checks in daily and if they are in early labour she doesn't leave, she's been an uninvited birth partner a number of times

she's a cow if you've got nothing dramatic going on though (she's also a different kind of clingy cow if you do )

Original poster

Closetoboilingpoint · 02/09/2012 15:09

The older friend, I'm very hurt by her reaction. I've cheered through several of her successes, I've been very proud of her over coming some problems of her own. A pat on the back isn't too much to ask the other way.

Oh well, you've defintely all given me some food for thought!

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 02/09/2012 15:10

What is it???? Tell us now before I die of nosiness!

Proudnscary · 02/09/2012 15:13

I have probably been like your friends but not because I'm a gloater ().

I have an old school friend who had a very serious condition and subsequent operation. I don't talk to her much (three or four times a year) but we are close friends. When she texted to tell me about her bad news I rang immediately, visited her loads, texted and phoned her/her dh over a six week period. Since she's been well and all is well she's not on my mind so much and I don't contact much and nor does she. In fact probably not for about six months now.

Don't really think I've done anything wrong there, do you?

Thumbwitch · 02/09/2012 15:28

But that's different, Proudnscary - to be the same as the friend in the OP, your friend would have needed to contact you to tell you she'd had some good fortune and you would have had to either cut her down to size or shown no interest. That hasn't happened, has it?

redexpat · 02/09/2012 15:57

Ah yes, Drama vampires.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 02/09/2012 16:03

I think someone described those sort of people before on here as "glory helpers" which I think is a great term. They want all the glory of everyone seeing what a marvellous help and support they are, plus they generally want to "help" because they want to hear all the insider information and gossip.

I know someone who is a bit like it; a woman in our village had a car accident and this woman was there helping her whilst she had a broken leg . Then she moved on to the wife of a woman whose husband was unwell. The husband got better and now she's probably moved onto someone else too.

Flip