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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how many people stay in happy marriages because they can't afford to get divorced?

49 replies

whatsthecostof · 02/09/2012 12:06

I am a regular but have namechanged because people in rl don?t currently know what is going on in my life and I don?t want to be recognised. If you recognise me through any detail then please don?t out me.

DH and I are on the verge of divorce. I won?t go into the details, there is fault on both sides though and we?ve got to a point now where realistically there?s no going back.

However, on deciding to split it?s become apparent that realistically we can?t aford to.

Dh earns a decent salary but I am a sahm running my own business, but its future is as yet uncertain. So he currently brings in all the income.

Initially when we talked about divorcing, DH said he would buy me out of the house and that I should be the one to move out as he can afford the mortgage repayments. However, if he gives me half the equity from the house I won?t be entitled to claim any kind of benefits at all which on the surface of it is fair enough but the equity isn?t going to last for ever and I have no idea when I?ll be in a position to be making money from my business.

If I stay in the house dh won?t be able to afford to live close by in order to see ds if he?s making the mortgage repayments, and anyway he wants his half of the equity. If we sell the house we both get our half, but then equally I won?t be entitled to any help?

It?s complicated somewhat by the fact that neither of us can drive (this isn?t something which can be changed) so realistically need to be close to where we are now in order to maintain proximity to school for our ds.

So the only choice we have really is to stay together probably until DS is eighteen.

It?s all a bit of a financial mess really, but I?m thinking I can?t be the only person in this kind of position, and wondered how many people are stuck in unhappy marriages because realistically, they can?t afford to get divorced?

OP posts:

cantthinkofadadsname · 02/09/2012 14:26

Based on what I've read on here, that figure sounds right.
My ex has kept her hours the same and still has the house. I've been living in shared houses (which is not ideal at the age of 42) for several years. It's crap for trying to give my DS some stability and a sense of home.
I've paid way more than the CSA would suggest I pay because I know what it costs to run that house and to bring up a child. I do not want my DS to go without. That's just the kind of person I am.

I have virtually no disposable income - but I know my ex is able to bring up DS, to feed him and to clothe him.

I've been able to buy a flat now due to a lot of help from my Dad. But separation has cost me a hell of a lot. It's something we both know was right - but we have both paid the financial price.

Balderdashandpiffle · 02/09/2012 14:40

The conclusion of that survey is:

'Professor Jenkins said the only way to level the playing field was to make men and women more equal in terms of their roles in the family and the labour market.'

NotGeoffVader · 02/09/2012 14:43

Actually something similar to this was the situation for a friend of mine when we were at school aeons ago

Her parents were long past the point of getting on well together, but had a similar situation inasmuch as neither could afford to move out to a smaller house/keep contact with their 2 DCs if they did.

The compromise was that they converted part of the house - making a kitchenette/diner/lounge and bedroom in the loft. And they added a downstairs toilet/washroom. When the second DC turned 18 and moved out, the parents sold the house and went their separate ways.

crescentmoon · 02/09/2012 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 02/09/2012 14:49

Of course you can afford to divorce. You just cant divorce and keep your present standard of living.

Balderdashandpiffle · 02/09/2012 15:03

How does this work?

'On average, male incomes rise by 25 per cent, whereas women's fall by a fifth, even when children are not involved.'

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2012 15:15

Can your home be carved into two flats? Could another front door be put in? This would be the best bet for the children as they could go between flats. Could you cope with your husband bringing someone home to the other flat? Could he cope if you did?

Tell us what sort of house you have and see if we could make it work.

hairytale · 02/09/2012 15:25

"However, if he gives me half the equity from the house I won?t be entitled to claim any kind of benefits at all which on the surface of it is fair enough but the equity isn?t going to last for ever and I have no idea when I?ll be in a position to be making money from my business. "

So ... You'll have enough to live off for a while if he gives you half the equity? Then you can afford to split.

Foslady · 02/09/2012 15:34

It all depends what you want out of life. I had no choice - he left me. But on my p/t wage I managed to buy him out and I still work p/t and raise our daughter at home with me with him having access. Life is different now than it was, but for me my quality of life has improved immensely. I'm still on my own, and the loneliness is horrible, but I can exhale now..........

What do you want? Which is more important in your life - your standard of living or your happiness?

superdragonmama · 02/09/2012 15:36

A solicitor may not cost as much as you think, so please at least go for an initial consultation.

A lot of divorce arrangements these days are sorted out by a process of legal mediation, where you can both discuss, with a solicitor present, what financial and access arrangements you both want, and reach solutions to suit everyone. At the end of the mediation process a solicitor can write up your arrangements into legal documents. Avoids court and high costs if it all goes well.

FWIW, I was sahm, with full agreement of my exh, for 13 yrs before we divorced 7yrs ago. My solicitor secured a 60/40 split of all our assets (house was biggest asset), I got 60%, and full residency of 3 kids. So solicitor can be very good to protect your financial interests. (Btw, my exh was horrified because he assumed is get almost nothing because I was sahm, he was wrong. The courts value the work mothers do!)

LucieMay · 02/09/2012 15:53

If people couldn't afford to split, there would be no lone parents in the world or we'd all be homeless. I've raised ds alone since he was a baby and never received a penny from his dad. We've always had a job and a home and enough money to live on, and I'm not a high earner. Of course it can be done.

janey68 · 02/09/2012 16:30

I think Trills summed it up early on in the thread.
Most couples buy a house on the basis that they are exactly that - a couple. They often take out the loan on the basis of two incomes, or at least one + a part time earner, they have often both contributed to the deposit, furniture, household bills. It shouldn't really come as a huge surprise that if they subsequently decide to split and live as two separate households, they aren't going to be able to cling onto that same lifestyle.

I am really sorry for your situation OP, and I'm not dismissing the fact that there is a hugely emotional side to this too, but I'm trying to look at it in a totally factual objective way.

I know if DH and I split, neither of us would be likely to afford to continue living in our current home, which was purchased on the basis of two incomes.

MySpanielHell · 02/09/2012 16:52

The OP needs to go and see a solicitor. I can't see why she would be entitled to only 50% of the house if her son is going to live with her.

I also think that it is bizarre that she isn't getting legal advice when the initial legal consultation is free.

There is no mention of how much of her DH's pension she will be getting. I feel she is getting hoodwinked really, and it will be the child that suffers if he ends up in poverty.

It isn't about the benefits either - you would still be entitled to have some of your mortgage paid (if you stayed in the house and the mortgage was just in your name) by the DWP while you were not working, and could arrange with your bank to pay interest only while you got back on your feet financially. You would still be entitled to child tax credit and child benefit as well.

nkf · 02/09/2012 16:58

One hears a lot on MN about these initial consultations but I've never actually heard of anyone in RL getting one. They charge solicitors in my experience. I imagine a half hour for free would be some vague waffle about how every case is unique and you should go into see them.

They cost. They cost big time but in my opinion, a good one is worth his or her weight in gold. A bad one is terrible but a good one is terrific.

There are many many things in life which, to my mind, aren't worth the money. But, when you are getting divorced, decent legal advice is something you shell out on.

If you don't have it, then you don't. But if you do, then don't be cheapskate over this.

travailtotravel · 02/09/2012 17:02

And don't forget that, as you are a SAHM you need to factor pension contributions in. You can buy NI credits for the years you are not working, but that should be part of any settlement you consider.

MySpanielHell · 02/09/2012 17:02

I had free initial legal advice and it was really useful and specific. I have friends who have had similar experiences.

WilsonFrickett · 02/09/2012 17:03

If your soon to be XP is telling you to never mind your pretty little head about lawyers OP then I'd be straight down there after school drop off tomorrow. Sorry to be blunt a cynical caah but that's a massive red flag to me. You really don't know what you/DC are entitled to, you only have a half-idea that your P is feeding. To be absolutely, brutally blunt - who is he planning to move into your home when you and DC leave it?

sarahtigh · 02/09/2012 17:04

you can get legal mediation if amicable it is not free but much much cheaper than acrimonios divorce, I do not know about England but in scotland the presumption is everything is 50/50 split of assets then maintenance to resident parent

I think 50% of house is fair, but then discussion over pension etc, best to do amicably as it saves loads of moeny in long run

Markingthehours · 02/09/2012 19:42

whats the cost
YOU as a sahm will be on legal aid - the cost of the divorce will come out of any assets you get - so not free.

But it sounds like you deffo NEED a solicitor if your husband is calling trying to call the shots and you are letting him.

Don't get doneover by your STBX - see a solicitor and get someone qualified to tell you what you are entitled to.

RE house - friend got it 'ordered' to her and DC - XH had to pay maintenance to cover mortgage. Think perhaps it's dependent on judge you get. Solicitor will tell definitively.

Chandon · 02/09/2012 19:49

get your half, use it to buy somewrere small, and get maintenance sorted! Also, try to return to a wage job, for now.

Get to a lawyer and sort it out properly.

Chandon · 02/09/2012 19:52

just read the rest of the posts.

GET A PROPER LAWYER, it's worth the money!!!

Your H does NOT have your best interests at heart now, he does not. Get the blimming lawyer, please!

ReindeerBollocks · 02/09/2012 20:11

Legal aid is going to stop the divorce section of their funding within the next year. If you want to divorce, I would recommend making an appointment now with a firm of solicitors, some do offer an initial twenty minutes, but if you got LA then it would be funded anyway. If you wait a year you will end up paying for legal advice regardless.

But do seek legal advice. There are many financial orders that can be made, especially with children involved so do not just take your husbands word for it that it can be done easily over the Internet. You have to protect your son as well as yourself.

redwineformethanks · 02/09/2012 20:22

Please don't be taking legal advice from strangers on the internet. They're trying to help, but it's no substitute for proper legal advice.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/09/2012 20:25

"dh doesn't want solicitors involved. He wants it over by Christmas, apparently you can do it all online, but if you get solicitors involved it will cost thousands."
This rang alarm bells for me. Yes, you pay for solicitors. But the alternative could cost you a good deal more if your husband decides to try diddling you. I would go to a solicitor, regardless.

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