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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to know I'll never 'plan' a baby?

24 replies

felafelilly · 31/08/2012 23:29

My first ds was unplanned when I was still a teenager. Two years later dd came along, also unplanned. My parenting years have been mostly a struggle. I'm now in my late 30s, both dc are up and doing their own thing. I've been on my own for just over 5 years since me an exh divorced. Most of my friends are now in the process of starting their families. I am thrilled for them for the most part but recently I have been getting pangs of envy as I see them choosing nice prams and decorating nurseries. It was never like that for me. I'm now in a relatively well paid job and have been seeing a guy for a few months. Much as I love being a mum, I know I won't have any more kids. AIBU to feel this way? It just seems so unfair, like I did everything the wrong way round.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2012 23:33

I know what you're saying but at the end of the day, you had 2 kids who you love.

Some people spend years and years planning and then find they're infertile.

You can maybe help your kids with their plans when your GCs are on the way

larks35 · 31/08/2012 23:40

YABabitU, I've done it late am 39 with a DS3.8yo and a DD 5mo. I kind of wish I had met my man and settled down earlier in life as I am aware that I am an older mum.

So, in some ways, I wish I was you and that I had experienced my lovely children growing up and becoming themselves with still enough energy to fully enjoy an adult night out with them etc.

Why don't you now focus on your life and maybe re-train to do a job you enjoy.

Life begins and all that...

alittlebitbockety · 31/08/2012 23:42

Well, life is unfair in lots of ways. I didn't start trying for children till my early 30s to find I had fertility problems. 10 long years later I had my one and only (v.grateful). But do sometimes wish I had started younger - if only I had known - I would have loved more than one. So you are not alone in feeling that if you could, you would have made sure your life was more perfect! I suppose we all just have to learn to be happy with what we have.

MissSayuri · 31/08/2012 23:45

You may not feel that way when your friends are in their early 40s and tearing their hair out with toddlers while you can do what you want when you want. I think we can be over sentimental about the parenting of babies. You've done your bit, now just have some fun!

MrsJohnMurphy · 31/08/2012 23:49

I do get what you mean, and even though I did plan the subsequent 2 children after the "accidental" one, I never had the money or the inclination to be spending hundreds of pounds on prams or nurseries. It must be very different to be planning your first when you have lots of spare cash etc, but in reality babies don't need or care about stuff, as long as they are loved and warm and clean and fed, babies are happy.

I nearly got sucked into the expensive pram thing with my second and third, but when it came down to parting with cold hard cash, I turned to ebay . I could have paid hundreds for a bugaboo but I just couldn't bring myself to waste that amount of money on a pram.

Don't get me wrong I have still wasted money, I convinced myself after each child that it was my last and got rid of anything useful , so basically had to start from scratch each time .

MissSayuri · 31/08/2012 23:53

And ask your dcs if they remember their pram/cot/clothes etc. They won't! They will remember their cool young mum though!

Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 00:03

mine were unplanned but I wouldnt change anything and when I see women my age with kids still at primary school I am sort of relieved that mine are older and doing their own thing . although I do miss them when they are doing their thing

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/09/2012 00:03

I feel simelar. I had my dc in my early twenties, with a lovely man who is a great Dad, but was a crap partner.

I'm glad I had my dc when I did, I think my youth helped me have an easy pregnancy/labour/recovery/breastfeeding experience, but I do miss that I never did the TTC thing with my husband, and nor will I. There seems to be so much more lovely bAby stuff to choose form nowadays as well that I would have liked, and I miss that I was the only one havng babies among my friends when I had them, whereas now they are all at it.

I sometimes get a pang of envy for older parents whose dc at at university or who are now working, because I think it must be a lovely feeling to know that you have done everything you can, your children are well adjusted, happy, and have turned out ok.

We need o count our blessings!

Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 00:08

outraged my dd is at uni we did everything we could for out children even if we were a bit too young for it all

Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 00:08

our*

BonnieBumble · 01/09/2012 00:18

The grass is always greener...

I had my children in my 30s and I'm glad because they are still very young and I had a life before I had them but when I see old school mates with grown up kids and going off on exotic holidays I feel pangs of envy. We have what we have and we should make the most of it.

Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 00:20

Its all swings and roundabouts eh bonnie

PatronSaintOfDucks · 01/09/2012 00:23

Life is always greener on the other side of the fence. People who have their children in their 30s and later perhaps can afford expensive prams and decorated nurseries more than those who have children in their 20s, but the realities of children are all the same - sleepless nights, chasing after toddlers, dealing with teenage angst, etc., and many would argue that one is better equipped with stamina to handle all this when one is younger. Plus people who have children later often end up in a bit of a sandwich - young children on one side and elderly infirm parents on the other, all needing care and finances.

I had my DS late. I do not regret it. But sometimes I wish that I met my husband earlier and, like some of my friends, had practically adult children by now and be whizzing around the world with gay abandon.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 01/09/2012 00:31

Another thing I regret is that, especially if my children also have their children late in life, I will never get to be the grandmother that my grandmother was to me. I will be too old by then. :( But such is life. It's much better to look on the bright side.

thepeoplesprincess · 01/09/2012 00:38

YANBU. My one true regret in life is not doing the whole happy families thing 'properly', and I'm also too old now to have another crack at doing it right.

eurochick · 01/09/2012 08:45

I planned and am now on my 23rd cycle of unsuccessful ttc. It is devestating. Believe me, trying for a baby and planning it is overrated. You have the family that I may never have and would give anything for.

bragmatic · 01/09/2012 08:57

Oh, I planned it really well. My kids will just be hitting teenagerhood and I'll be crashing headlong into menopause.

Enjoy your new love - don't spoil it by having more children!!!

hairytale · 01/09/2012 09:14

Yanbu to feel the way you do.

But there's no "right" way. I've just had my first at 43 - ideally my life would have panned out differently and I'd have been a younger mum but it didn't and I'm blessed - truly blessed - to have my lovely DD.

Ephiny · 01/09/2012 09:17

Do you not want to have any more children, or do you feel it's too late/you don't have the choice?

Personally I think there's a lot to be said for having your children early. There are advantages/disadvantages both ways though, there's no right or wrong way of doing it.

Shellywelly1973 · 01/09/2012 09:37

Op, I had 2dc in my teens.

I spent my twenties raising them, working&went back to uni. Both of them were in secondry school before i was 30.

But i felt like you&in my 30's had 3 more dc. Now my oldest 2 are in very good careers, youngest dc starts school next week. As much as i love all my dc,i realise by having my younger dc i have missed out ie career etc. Dc range from 24-4...

I don't recommend mixing toddlers& teenagers,hideous combination!!!

Mrsjay · 01/09/2012 10:55

I there a right way though ? what is the right way we do what we do for our children It doesnt matter if you couldnt have the top of the range pram or have a savings account for them before conception, as long as children are loved and cared for that is all that really matters,

lovemykaygees · 01/09/2012 12:38

I hear you completely but I think it's a rose tinted specs thing. I have 2 friends in their late 30s/early 40s who have good incomes, great partners etc and are struggling emotionally with small kids (high achievers, am I good enough etc etc..) My kids are up and at college/uni and I'm only 39. I have a whole glut of nieces and nephews who remind me every day that my days of babies and toddlers is over. I think when you get older it's easy to forget how tough the early years are and we focus on the cuddly nice stuff. Be glad and thankful for your two healthy, happy kids and embrace your prime! And DON'T RUIN IT BY HAVING MORE KIDS!

Margerykemp · 01/09/2012 12:53

I know how you feel.

I might not ever have a 'planned' baby. It sounds like a very different (but not necessarily better) way of having a family.

SirBoobAlot · 01/09/2012 13:19

I understand. DS is coming up to three, was a wonderful surprise, I was 21 in May. I've recently been really thinking about if I ever want any more children (DP asked me last night actually, after I'd been talking about PCOS treatments). You know, I don't think I could manage it. With all my health problems, it would be too much. But then I am looking at things from the view of a single parent. If I was with someone, maybe it would be different.

Its been a bit sad thinking about not doing things the "proper" way, even just having the whole "should we have a baby" conversation. Its difficult, in a strange way. I guess life never works out the way its supposed to though! Or maybe it does :)

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