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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have to host SIL everytime?

26 replies

redmayneslips · 31/08/2012 17:45

Ok, so it's another IL's AIBU! Dh has a very complicated and dysfunctional family. I have struggled over many years to fit in or be accepted by them and mostly failed. We now tolerate each other but I honestly can't say there is any genuine warmth on either side. If it were not for dd I would cut ties altogether and I know dh feels the same (they have been incredibly hurtful to him over the years).

Anyway..into this complicated family (think 6 siblings, 4 different combinations of parents) a much older stepsister re-appears after many (over 20) years absence, she lives in a different country where other members of her branch of the family live. Everyone seems to be glad to have reacquainted with her. She invites herself and her dd over to visit about 4 years ago. That was fine - all dh's siblings gave the impression that they were happy to have her come and stay. In reality it all fell to us. This is typical. Some of them had 'other plans' or just sort of backed out of it when the time came. Dh ended up taking a week off work to ferry the stepsister about the place and show her some of where we live etc. I found it fairly stressful never having met the woman before in my life and her dd is a spoilt madam.

She lives in a major UK city and has never ONCE in the 4 years of reacquaintance invited us over to her for a visit. Every year since then she has invited herself here - free holiday basically! It always involves dh taking time off (he is self employed and the other siblings say things like 'can't get time off work to collect / drop her to airport).

She has just sent me a message inviting herself again in a few weeks and frankly I am fed up of it. I know it will involve having to do a fake 'happy families' situation with the other siblings and I am sick of them all (there is a lot of history)

Anyway - aibu for just not wanting her to come here again? And for feeling annoyed at her for never returning the offer? I Even if we say the timing doesn't suit us this time, perhaps she'd like to stay in one of the other houses she will just postpone the trip and keep suggesting other dates till we agree to one of them.

I am sick of her and her dd, but am aware that it is dh's stepsister and in some ways he is happy to see her. It's just that most of the work falls to me.

OP posts:

fugglinfuggler · 31/08/2012 17:59

Where does she stay? Do you have a spare room?

LemonBreeland · 31/08/2012 18:03

I think it is most definitely time to say sorry we are busy. Let someone else look after her. Rude to invite yourself to stay with people anyway.

Original poster

redmayneslips · 31/08/2012 18:05

She mostly stays with us. We do have a spare room. If she stays with the others it involves driving her 80km to get there. I know it is no biggie in the grand scheme of things. It is just her 'take-take-take' attitude to it all that bugs me - and the fact that she has never, once, invited us back. I am not normally inhospitable (quite the opposite in fact and this perhaps is my downfall here - hosted her too well compared to the other siblings and now she 'prefers' to stay here.

I will get over it - as usual - just venting her as it will save dh getting an earful later when he gets home!

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 31/08/2012 18:06

Tell DH he can either:

Ensure that almost all the work of this proposed 'visit' falls to him and not you, and that you go away for a few days while she is here OR
Ensure that she doesn't come

That way the problem belongs to the person who it ought to belong to, instead of you.

Original poster

redmayneslips · 31/08/2012 18:09

LemonBreeland, we tried that the last time and she cancelled her trip altogether until we could let her know a time that did suit us, and then kept emailing to check dates etc. The last time she came it was for a full week (she booked the flights without waiting for confirmation from us!) I have asked dh to tell has that a week its too long as last year that was his entire summer hols (self employed and not paid if not working) and I am not willing to entertain her alone - she is a virtual stranger to me, and I have little or nothing in common with her and she is not my relative so she is largely disinterested in me anyway - only wants dh.

OP posts:

DublinMammy · 31/08/2012 18:09

"Of course, we'd love to have you, once DH finishes his treatment for leprousy/smallpox/TB we'll be in touch".

MajorB · 31/08/2012 18:10

Why don't you just reply:
"It will be lovely to see you, let us know where you're staying and we'll get a date in the diary to see you."

Then when she inevitably says that she was hoping to stay for you, you just reply: "I'm afraid that doesn't work for us this time, but if you wanted to catch up maybe we could visit you, when would be a good time to come?"

Then either she doesn't come and you go to hers, in which case problem solved, or she doesn't come and doesn't invite you to hers and shows herself up as a user. Either way you don't have to host!

DontmindifIdo · 31/08/2012 18:14

I would find that you are having some work done, to the roof, it's all rather delayed, you &DH will be sleeping in spare room, annoying etc but what can you do?

Or...could your mum/aunt/random other older family member from your side be sick/having an op and coming to recover at your house - unspecified end date, possibly getting DH to hint this might be an unending arrangement. If need be, your mum needs roping in to stay for the time SIL is staying so if she comes over for the day she can see your mum/Aunt is there. Then see if any of the other relations step up. (You could suggest one you think has a spare room) - make sure you go over for the day to see her when she's staying with another relative.

Or, could your DH need a home office and the spare room become that?

fugglinfuggler · 31/08/2012 18:14

Maybe say you don't have the room now?

DontmindifIdo · 31/08/2012 18:15

oh and "sorry but DH can't get the time off round then, but we could come to visit you at [insert IL who end up with her]]'s house on the Saturday or Sunday."

fugglinfuggler · 31/08/2012 18:15

What dontmind said

HappyCamel · 31/08/2012 18:15

If she's the invite herself type it might not occur to her that she needs to specifically invite you to stay at hers. She probably thinks everyone operates the same way.

Other than that, agree with what MajorB says.

nailak · 31/08/2012 18:16

how about house swap?

MajorB · 31/08/2012 18:18

Just seen that she's a "won't take no for an answer" sort of person - best thing about that is that it gives you the right to do the same.

Therefore every request to stay at yours should be met with "well as DH would take that time off to be with you, why don't we make it a proper holiday and come to you?"

And when she asks "which dates can you have us?" you don't answer that question, but reply with "which dates can you have us?"

You could really have some fun with this

LemonBreeland · 31/08/2012 19:01

With people like that you need to make it clear that no time really suits now for you to have her.

Or say a weekend only from now on.

QuangleWangleQuee · 31/08/2012 19:09

I'd do what Major B says.

ExitStencilist · 31/08/2012 19:13

do you mean stepsister or do you mean half sister?

InkyBinky · 31/08/2012 19:22

MajorB has a good plan or, perhaps, it would be simpler, just to tell her that yourhusband can't take the time off work or that you are busy with your family or whatever. It is up to you and you DH to make a quiet stand and make an excuse. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

CaliforniaLeaving · 31/08/2012 19:31

Why are you staying in contact with them for your Dd? If these people are horrible to your Dh your child will begin to pick up on this and thats not good.
Your Dd will benefit from two happy parents who are together, not from being exposed to people who are rube to her father. Tell them No next time they try to come visit. Don't back down.

CaliforniaLeaving · 31/08/2012 19:31

That would be rude, not rube.

NotAnAxeMurderer · 31/08/2012 19:34

Sorry, DH is really busy at the moment with work contracts, we're not sure when he'll be able to take any time off. But as we never get to have holidays we were thinking that when he CAN take time off we could come to you instead for a change.

bobbledunk · 31/08/2012 20:45

Just say you no longer have a spare room, you turned it into a gym/playroom/cinema room/office.

honeytea · 31/08/2012 20:56

I would say invite yourself to her home. Maybe she sees it she is allways the one paying for a flight to you and your dp and you ahve never done the same.

OhTheConfusion · 01/09/2012 10:22

YANBU. How far away do you live? Would a long weekend trip be possible?

LesleyPumpshaft · 01/09/2012 10:35

YANBU, even if it was someone I liked I would get pissed off with them staying in my house by around the 3 day mark. Wasn't there a quote about about visitors being like fish? After 3 days both stink.

I suggest having a 3 day rule!

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