To think its not my fault!

[FlatheadRubecki]

Random one, this, but anyway. Although i am slim, my diet is pretty terrible - I seem to survive on bread, chips, crisps, Pepsi max (not Coke, no, Coke is the devil's brew!), penny sweets and...oh wait that's it, in the week. I'm 37 with newborn DS by the way!

I'm an incredibly fussy eater and won't touch most vegetables, fruit or meat. Since meeting DH 6 or so years ago I have slowly added tomatoes, bananas, onions, red meat, and cod and pasta to my diet and will eat this if out with friends or if someone else makes it for me.

I'm acutely embarrassed about my poor diet and do a good job of hiding it to most people. I want to eat a better, more healthy variety, but new things bring me out in the sort of shivers some people get when they see a spider or a mouse!

Thing is, I really don't think it's my fault. I remember as a child only really being offered a small selection of foods and being allowed to eat chocolate for dinner, a bowl of chips for lunch. A fizzy drink and a curly wurly in the car on the way to (primary!) school by way of breakfast was the norm, too.

On the other hand I think FGS that's no excuse when you're pushing 40 and a mother and should just bloody well man up and eat properly.

I guess this has all come to a head as I'm looking ahead to weaning DS and not wanting to make the...mistakes (for want of a better word) I feel my parents may have made.

What should I do?? Any advice or solidarity from fellow gummy bear munchers?

My dh was just like you when we met. You can have solidarity from me, because although I don't understand exactly what this is like for you, I have learned alot from my dh and from watching him conquer his food phobia. It has been far from easy, for both of us.

I'd say it was your parents fault too, but thats neither here nor there really. You are the one that has been left with this problem so you are the only one who can do anything about it.

My dh started with a few hypnotherapy sessions, which didn't solve the problem but it did open his mind enough to make him realise that it wouldn't be the end of the world if something he had never tried before went in his mouth. Then it was just a very slow process with a lot of reassurance that the worst that could happen was that he had to spit something out.

His health has improved dramatically and it's only now that he looks back that he can see how crap and tired he felt most of the time. It means we are not restricted about going out to eat with friends anymore. It's not gone completely, and he still doesn't like any wet or saucy type foods but that's fine. As long as he can eat enough that he's healthy and isn't restricted then it's more than enough for us.

His GP offered him CBT on the NHS which would have helped, but dh felt that he didn't need it in the end as at the time he was going to do it we had a lot of other things going on. But that might be an option as a starting point for you?

Also, if you try new foods at the same time as your ds it might help. I didn't learn to cook at all until I had to start making weaning foods for my first baby.

Buy a couple of books, and take advice from thise about weaning. And see what you can manage to try at the same time.

Thank you so much for replying! Yes thinking that some sort of hypnotherapy or CBT might be the answer. And also, good point about trying new foods with DS am optimistically trying to think of it as a bit of a clean slate for me. Didn't mean thread title to sound so whiny and defeatist, just feel a bit annoyed at my parents for raising me on crap, unlike my internationally educated, posh DH who swears he was dining on Heston Blumenthal fare from birth!

What is it about new food that puts you off? The taste? The texture?

I think you shouldnt be so hard on yourself. It probably isnt your fault. But you can do something about it now.

DP is like this to an extent so I can empathise!

I agree with outraged. I'm an exceptionally fussy eater and always have been but I've tried a fair few new things whilst weaning dd. things I was never exposed to as a kid myself. My mum was shocked today when I told her dd was having curry for lunch saying I'd never have had it when I was little. Thing is, she never introduced anything other than traditional British cuisine to me. And the ideas ingrained. But I've discovered I quite like italian/Asian/oriental/Mexican/etc foods. My diet has totally improved, whist still poor. And I sneak veggies in so I can't taste them!

No I don't think it's your fault either. You are in control now so it'd be your fault if you didn't try doing anything about it - but you are trying. And it will be difficult, and that is not your fault either, all lifelong habits are incredibly hard to break. I think you are being really brave to confront this. :)

Wannabe i don't know, I think it's just that new things don't taste familiar...there's nothing i can relate them to, so that they feel 'safe'. Or to explain it better, DH is always trying to convince me to try things by saying 'it tastes a bit like chicken' (ha!!) or 'it's sort of like a meatier version of xyz' and it helps to think of new things this way as a sort of 'hook'

I was always a bit fussy about cooked veg as a kid, but I will try anything now. Still prefer it all raw though.

If you really can't stand something hide it in a spag bol or soup.

Oh and just to add, I tried to chat to DM about this a couple of years ago and she said 'it was nothing to do with me, you wouldn't eat anything we offered you so we just gave up trying in the end and let you get on with it'

Thank you fuzzpig, I don't feel brave at all but thank you!!

My childhood was the same flathead. I remember being terrified when my friends ordered pizza at a sleepover.... I had never even seen one never mind tried one. And I had never eaten rice or pasta or noodles and curry or spaghetti bolognese were alien to me until I met dh. He was astounded.

As dh is the cook I just sort of had to eat what I was given or make something for myself so I quickly found loads of new things that I like.

I am a terrible cook though and I hate cooking (because I'm so bad at it). I firmly believe that is a result of bad teaching - my mum and nan are awful cooks too.

Good for you trying. I think it is important to try everything. Children learn by example. DD sees DH eat his own body weight in fruit every day and I eat masses of veg. She is the least fussy toddler I have ever met. Now, I know I am lucky but she copies us with everything else, is this any different?

I can imagine lots of adults would end up with your sort of diet if their parents hadn't put a lot of thought and effort into getting them out of their fussy or phobic phases, basically because it is very hard when you are confronted with that.

DS1 was like this and it was very hard but I decided not to leave him to it and he now eats a reasonably good range of foods. The appoaoch I took was based on a sort of systematic desensitisation (CBT).

I wonder if there was a book that accompanied the TV series about fussy eaters (can't remember what it was called)?

Whenever I'm worried about something, I tell myself that being brave isn't just 'not being scared' - it's 'being scared but doing it anyway' :)

I think the main thing is not to expect too much too soon. Trying a whole new meal might be really overwhelming but one new food a week (like one type of veg) might be more achievable?

Do you ever eat out and are there any good, healthy dishes that you normally choose, could you learn to cook those? i.e. work backwards from what you already like.

Then you could make small tweaks to them to incorporate new foods unnoticeably.

I grew up with the plainest diet ever (DF a chef and never cooked at home except for special occasions, and DM was not interested in food so never learnt anything new - lots of plain mash, grilled fish fingers and burgers etc).
As I got older I tried stuff (mostly based on yummy smells - mmm, garlic) and now eat load of different foods. You may find when you start to educate your palate that you have a taste for far more things than you expect.

Also isn't there some rule that you have to try something a certain number of times before you can taste it properly and know whether you really like it or not?

well done for wanting to tackle this. I have no real helpful advice but I see other people do so just wanted to offer my good wishes.

There is a whole world of wonderful food out there waiting for you

Just had a quick look for books linked to the prog Freaky Eaters, but there appears to be none.

But I'd take a look at Amazon and a book on CBT and food would be ideal. I think you'll have a good chance of success!

im going against the grain now and saying whilst when you were younger it wasnt your fault now it is. your a grown up so you have to take responsability for your own life.

however i compleatly commend your efforts to change it and hope you can carry on doing so as you appear to know your issues with food could end up being your dc's issues

Thanks v much for your responses, nice to hear There are other fussy eaters out there! TheHeir I recall a similar pizza moment at a friends bday party and used to hate residential school trips (spent most of it starving and pushing food around a plate!)

Do you eat dairy? You haven't mentioned it. Also do you take a multivitamin?

Have you tried healthier variations of food you do like? Eg make your own bread, eat whole meal, rye bread, olive bread, seeded loaves, sundried tomato loaves, garlic bread -lots of variations. Also what do you have on your bread? Could you experiment with different butters/spreads, jams, peanut butter, lemon curd, marmalade, nutella, honey, cream cheese, mayonnaise, cheese spread, pâté, etc.

Chips- do you make them from potatoes keeping the skin on and baking them with a bit of olive oil rather than frozen fries?

Could you eat dips with chips? Eg sour cream, ketchup, hummus etc

Have you tried vegetable crisps?

I think you need to pin point what it is about food you don't like. Is it taste, texture, strong flavour, mixed up flavours, too hard, too soft, too bitter, too salty, not sweet enough?

My dh was the same with school trips, to the point where he sometimes didn't go and it really affected his confidence.

being brave isn't just not being scared, - it's being scared but doing it anyway

This is SO true, and can be applied to many things in life.

DHs parents did the same thing as yours, just gave up offering him any new food from the age of five because he wouldn't eat them, so they just stopped bothering. Which obviously made it worse because it sends the message that there is actually something to be scared off. Then to make it worse he would be threatened with having to have school dinners if he was ever badly behaved. Its no wonder the poor bloke ended up with a phobia.

But these phobias are learned, which means they can be unlearned and something else can be learned in its place.

We really did do things very slowly with dh, and I still do the same thing when new foods come along. I would put a tiny amount of something new on a plate for him, and although I'd be desparate to know if he was going to try it or to, I tried really hard to appaear like I wasn't noticing and I'd make no comment if it didn't get touched. But even if he didn't try something it was a step in the right direction for him to even tolerate it on his plate. Then he would start trying a tiny amount of something on a forkful of chips, and he pushed himself to gradually build up the amounts he was eating.

He made a big effort to start trying things after one Christmas when he didn't have Christmas dinner with us and I ended up in tears over it! So we set the goal that in a years time he would eat Christmas dinner with everyone, and he got used to each thing individually before putting them all together. Then when he was used to them it was another big thing to eat them in front of lots of other people, because he was still worried he would gag. But he did it, and now he's quite happy to eat a dry Christmas dinner but with ketchup. Which is fine by me, because at least he's eating almost the same thing as the family.

I'm really proud of him, this is a guy whose entire diet for 30 ish years had consisted of battered fish, chips (and even then it had to be the right type of chips) bread, sweets, ice cream, biscuits, strawberries, and on very good days fried eggs and sausages. That was literally it.

Sorry for the ridiculously long post, but I want you to know it can be done! I think this is a really common thing but it's very much misunderstood by people who have no experience of it.

Outraged

I weaned DS1 onto loads of foods with ketchup. Now he eats most things without it.

I'm a fussy eater, not quite as limited as you, but I know how annoying it is when people make comments!

I tend to think 'I'm an adult if I don't like it, I don't have to force myself to eat it'

I eat chicken & veg as a main meal & weet-a-bix for breakfast

I think its probably true that your parents did not put the effort in, however, you have been responsible for the last 20 years as to what you decide to eat.

I do think that it is a serious thing, and that tackling it with CBT is a good idea. It is admirable that you have resolved to improve your diet for your son and for your self.

Good luck

I'll echo what others have said - well done for recognising this problem and resolving to tackle it :)

I'd be a little bit cautious about addressing your food phobia at the same time as weaning your son, although he is obvs your motivation... This is an important issue for you, and you'll need to give yourself lots of support - which will be harder to do if you're focussed on what's going into and dribbling out of your son's mouth! Also, weaning is an important stage in a baby/toddler's life, and you'll want to give your son lots of attention at this time, not be distracted by your own responses to food. I suspect it will be hard for you to make all the 'yum-yum' noises you need to make while weaning, if you are worrying about what you are eating yourself. And I'm guessing you may find yourself struggling to eat at first, and even feeling disgusted, and it would be awful if you passed these feelings on to your son...

My suggestion would be to try tackling your own diet first (even if it's just a week or so earlier), so you know how you are going to respond and have tactics (and you have ruled out or controlled gagging, for instance!)... And then you can move on to weaning your son with more confidence and even enthusiasm :)