to think that having kids is inherently risky?

[BumptiousandBustly]

I think so many women (myself included) plan to have kids as part of their life - not something that will take over their lives, and that actually you can't plan for that - as anything could happen.

When we had DS the plan was that I would work part time, when I had DS2 - the plan was to stay at home until DS1 - started school, and then I could return to work, and be able to cover child care costs.

and YES I am really lucky that financially we could afford for me to do that. But what I am trying to say, is that people plan kids presuming they will be OK, that they won't have problems and will be able to cope with Nursery, school etc.

Now it turns out that DS1 has special needs (Hidden once, that we didn't know about till after DS2 was born) - and I won't be able to work out of the home for the foreseeable future.

I guess what I am trying to say is that having kids is RISKY - you never know what they might need, or who they might be.

Due to DS1s SEN, I have met lots of women who are struggling to deal with this, and its the ones who HAVE to continue working - who are struggling the most - emotionally and financially.

I don't have an answer for this, I am just saying, maybe we need to all approach having kids as something inherently risky - not something where you can plan the outcomes and state ANYTHING definitively.

I even saw a thread in adoptions a while back where someone said - I want to adopt but HAVE to work - and wanted to say - you can't guarantee that with birth children, never mind with a child who has been given up for adoption.

I really hope I haven't offended anyone, and don't want to start a bun fight. I guess I am just struggling with how different my life is now going to be from how I imagined/planned it and I think its a valid point to say - once you have kids, anything could happen - we need to be aware of that.

Life gets in the way of your plans!

Life is inherently risky and we all die, but we just keep on doing it...

I think most people are aware of that but just plan with optimism. I guess you could argue it would be more strategic to plan pessimistically , although right now I'm more of the mind to plan for the best and take the worst as it comes.

YANBU

Nobody knows what's round the corner. We are all but one illness/accident/other catastrophe away from life changing totally (for example see Martine Wright who is playing sitting volleyball for team gb).

Making the decision to ttc or continue with a surprise pg is inherently risky, you open yourself up to all kinds.

I don't think people should let risks put them off but a bit more awareness that illness and disability can and does happen to people just like ourselves and our children might make people a bit kinder and more considerate. Not phrased this very well, I know what I mean but hard to articulate it!

Taking on any long term financial obligation is inherently risky and fundamentally that is what children are - a long term financial obligation you cannot default on.

With enough money anything is solveable but most people depend on a wage coming in for decades to bring up children, fund a mortgage, etc. Problem is, there are no 'jobs for life' anymore so it has become riskier. This is part of the reason why people are having fewer children and having them later in life.

Doh should say "open yourself up to all kinds of potential heartache".

This is one of the things that terrifies me about potentially having another (accidental or not).

It nearly killed me staying at home. DP and I have discussed this (as there is always possibility of accidental pg) that either I will work and he will stay at home or I will walk out.

Disagree that money solves anything, parents have a relatively wealthy friend who lost first her husband then her son to cancer. Money didn't save them and it can't assuage her loneliness.

you could end up having twins are triplet, or suffer years and years of failed IVF and still struggle to concieve.

there is no guarantees in life.

I planned to have my children young, and i did but didn't prepare for a child who has austism which i have been to the mill and back.

Having parents is risky, being a care to MIL with Alzheimer's wasn't what I planned.

Agree with dizzykipper.

YANBU. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and this is my biggest nightmare, the thing that wakes me up in the night sobbing in fear because until my son is here and maybe until he is a few years old I have no way of knowing if the family life we dreamed of and gambled both our lives on is ever going to be reality, or if he will never develop alongside his peers and be able live independently in adulthood.

I don't know how I'll cope or deal with that. I'll love him anyway - I already love him and he's just an uncomfortable bundle trying to kick his way through my ribs now! - but I find it impossible to get excited about having him because I'm so worried that something has gone or will go wrong, either before or after the birth. The anxiety is crippling. For each of my friends and family who has a "perfect" baby, I'm worried that I'll be the statistic, the one in X thousand babies who isn't lucky.

You can't plan anything in life. Just got to be blessed with what you have. Some of us keep trying and still have no baby to show for it so think yourself lucky.

YANBU. If people decided to have children based on logical reason they'd never do it! Unfortunately for me I struggle to make decisions in any other way. I came to MN when DP and I started thinking about TTC and it's done nothing but put me off. All sounds like a huge risky nightmare.

YANBU - it is a massive leap of faith. And I guess there has to be a small part of you when you decide to have kids that comes to terms with the fact that it is a risk and that you will need to handle whatever comes with it. Of course life itself is risky but to deliberately have a child, you need to be aware that not everything may turn out as you expect..

very true. and it doesn't get easier.

in a two year period, my adult daughter (my only child) was in two motorway crashes, had (amongst other things) pneumonia, kidney infections, a pregnancy she vomited all the way through and came within 'two to three minutes of death' after a difficult labour which left her insides and outsides mangled. i am very grateful that she and her baby both came through that. but that's my precious baby, innocent, clean and good, who has had so much to suffer and there was nothing i could do about it. i was called to the hospital when 'she's in theatre, and they don't know if she'll come out'.

my conclusion, for now, is that we have to live every minute with love, and enjoy our people while they are with us.

mums of small children, abandon your housework and any other distractions, and sit down with your babies. they're hard work but they're what you live for.

Every big life descision is risky, but I'm not sure that it's very helpful to go through life constantly planning for the worst and thinking 'what if' all the time. I prefer to cross bridges if and when we come to them, otherwise the fear and anxiety would take over my life and go from being a moderate concern to being something that prevented us from ever doing anything.

It's good to be aware that plans can go wrong, but anything more than that can turn into a fear that can be very disabling.

Yes they are.
The thing is, you do see the majority of people with lives, that if not exactly smooth, are at least manageable in relation to having children, so it's still a surprise when some basic thing you took for granted, like children going to school in my case, proves impossible. It changes your whole life and the whole family dynamic. I never planned for SN or illness in any long term sense - but who does?

Hell yeah, before kids I had my health, two pregnancies later and I am completely disabled and living in chronic pain (and yah, in the bitter about it stage right now). Personally I just fly by the seat of my pants and enjoy the good bits though, never planned any of anything.

I agree with your post OP

but differ, in that I already learnt that you cant really have a bullet-proof plan for any aspect of your life

You can know what you want to happen and what you expect to happen...and you can be sure, it probably wont be like that

YANBU. I have 2 children with special needs and 1 without. Before having children I thought I would go back to work when the youngest started school. Now I can't imagine how I'll be able to.

Although I learnt a long time ago that things rarely turn out as planned. DS1 took a year and a mc to conceive. There is a 22 month gap between DS1 and DS2 instead of a 2-3 year gap because we thought ttc would take a year again and it didn't. We thought DS3 would be our youngest until we had a surprise pregnancy. Then I mc again and DS3 went back to being the youngest again, not sure if we will try again.

I envy people who have that confidence in their planning things but I think most people have something unexpected at some point that changes things.

Its very interesting to hear everyones thoughts. I am really struggling with the fact that I will not be able to return to work for a very long time - and I guess I just find it hard when people put on threads - I will HAVE to do this, or I am absolutely going to do that - as its really possible, that it may not be that simple at all.