To no longer cook for my stepchildren.

[ArcticRain]

Tonight I had to fry off a section of the chili I had cooked and pick out the onion, peppers and tomato before DSS 16 would contemplate trying it . DSS 18 reheated his later on, but threw it in the bin, because he wasn't hungry . Not eating meals made for him is a regular action , generally he has been out before hand .

DSS 16 is so fussy, won't eat anything slightly wet, or any veg, things with bits, anything new . No pasta and sauce, stews, pies etc and only potatoes as wedges or chips. Give him something that he even thinks has been contaminated, he pulls it apart looking for an offending item . I never had freezer food in a particular large quantity , but its all they eat. I have had enough . I find it really stressful trying to come up with meals I can serve the family.

DD is 9 months . She may turn out fussy, however , I want to cook normal home cooked meals that I and DH enjoy , without the drama of sorting DSS 16 out , and having DSS 18 throw good food away.

Cook your normal meals and offer them some. It if they don't want it tell them to make their own! Make sure they wash up after themselves though!

Just get in some frozen pizzas and tell them to like it or lump it.

16 and 18, let them cook for themselves.

Why bother, if they don't want/won't try it?
My step son only eats toast and chips. Literally, that is all.
I gave up long ago.
He is fat, very spotty, but intelligent and old enough to choose.
I cook for everybody else and he goes in and out to the toaster as I don't have a deep fat fryer.

I wouldn't cook different meals for them, and I definitely wouldn't have picked bits out for them, especially at their ages! Just cook what you, DH and DD will eat, and if they don't want it, I'm sure they won't starve :)

Can your partner speak to them about respect?

Do you meal plan?

Even if you don't tell them what's on offer and if they don't specifically say yes there isn't likely to be left overs and they'll have to sort themselves. I think that's perfectly reasonable at their ages. You can freeze any extra portions from your meal for another time.

make sure there is food in the house they can sort themselves out with though, it sounds a faff but if you label or mark anything you've bought for a specific meal it means they won't muck up your menu accidentally.

The step children thing is irrelevant, really - if a 16 and an 18 year old aren't happy to eat what the family is eating then they cook for themselves! DD does this much of the time - good preparation for looking after herself at Uni. But don't let them just eat snacks from your cupboards - get them to find recipes for food they like and you get the ingrediens and leave them to it. It will be very good for them.

Like everybody else I would say don't cook something different, give them 2 options - take it or leave it!

If you want to cook normal home cooked meals then you will do it anyway, regardless of whether your step sons eat it or not. Make enough for them to have if they want to, because it would be mean and unkind of you not to, but that doesn't mean you have to make something different for them. If they don't eat what you cook, you will have left overs you can freeze or have the next day.

They are old enough to make themselves something to eat if they want to, so let them. It woudo be horrible of you to purposely not have freezer food in that they could have though.

Cook what you cook, serve at a fixed time, if they don't eat it or are not there to eat it, so be it. Don't fuss over the details. If they don't like it, suggest they cook once or twice a week each?

You're doing fine - don't try too hard or feel bad because you're their stepmother and hold the line

I do tend to meal plan . There are two meals we can all eat . Chicken wraps and a roast (although they only eat the meat and yorkshires with a raw carrot ) .

They won't cook anything that doesn't get put in the oven , so it would lots of burgers and pizzas for them to prepare.

I like eating together , DD loves it, but if I leave them to it, I guess this will stop happening (although DSS 18 tends to be out )

YANBU

i agree... they can eat what you cook them.... or be hungry

Is this their way of 'fighting back' for some reason, or have they always been alike this? ? Anyway - what everyone else said is the solution. At their age they are old enough to know better and old enough to understand the impact this will have on DD - and know that it has to be healthy for her. Presumably they at least care about their sister, even if they have no respect for the time and effort you put into caring for them.

Yes, just cook enough chilli or whatever for everyone, & freeze anything that doesn't get eaten at regular meal time unless someone has specifically asked you to save them a portion.

Make sure there's fruit available so they don't get scurvy & bread for toast so they don't starve, & leave them to it.

Irrelevant that they are stepchildren - I'd generally say 16 & 18 year olds are old enough to make the choice whether to eat with the family or sort themselves out.

It's not fighting back . They were very fussy when I arrived 8 years ago . I tried for years but it hasn't worked . I don't think they even mean to be disrespectful.

I've always tried to cater for DSS 16 because we sit up the table and all chat, and they play with DD and make her smile, but I've really had enough with the fussiness. He only eats about 10 things . And like someone said, it needs to be healthy for DD now .

They don't really eat fruit either !

Get the 16year old to create and cook a meal for DD. He can even get her to help with bits - she'll love it and hopefully he'll learn more about balanced diets because he has to think of the health and well being of your DD.

Failing that, there was a programme on BBC3 dealing with sufferers of eating fussarsetis. They were even looking for willing subjects for the next series...

You could still encourage them to eat with you, just remind them what time you'll all be sitting down and if they're cooking their own they might want to put whatever in the oven so it's ready when the rest of you are eating.

The way to play it is to always offer and then leave it up to them, they won't always take you up on it, but the fact you're offering is usually enough for teenagers of that age to not get the hump about being excluded.

The dss who picks bits out of stuff - let him get on with it, but don't do it for him anymore. Just try not to let it bother you too much. With the chilli for example maybe offer to do him some rice and leave him some mince to cook how he wants as you know he doesn't do veg and you haven't time to pick out bits for him.... Think long term results :-)

I am coming at this from a slightly biased point of view as my dads wife invested in padlocks for the food cupboards when I was a teenager (it's one of a long list of frankly mental behaviour looking back at it now), but it's surprising how often food is an issue in step families.

Just keep it bright and breezy and the places at the table and you should be fine.

DSS16 "only eats about 10 things".

Well that's about 5 more than DD17 will eat. I don't see it as a big deal.

We used to have two rules for her (and her friends):

Rule 1: "I don't care what you eat but you must eat something."
Rule 2: "No mess".

When she reached 12 we dropped Rule 1. Rule 2 stays. She is still alive, not pregnant and has no ASBOs.

Oldest Ds was fussy like that, I cooked it and served it, he got a little side plate and picked out his own onions and whatever bits he didn't like.
Then he went off to Uni, on his first visit back he gulped down everything and told his younger brother to stop being so fussy it's good!

YANBU! DSD has been fending for herself with food since she was about 13! (Now 20). If we're cooking a meal we will usually text her to see if she wants some but more often than not she doesn't she just makes her own when she gets in.

I was very similar to your DSS(16) until the past few years. I reckon he'll grow out of it most likely but leave him to pick it out, don't do it for him. And get him to cook some meals, that's what got me trying new things, cooking for myself when I moved out!

On another note, has he said why he doesn't like it? I had really bad, irrational and illogical food phobias and new things would just make me gag because of the taste or texture. The only veg I ate until I was 16 was sweetcorn and the only fruit was apples or pears. Onions, mushrooms and tomatoes were a big no-no (tomatoes still are!) and I genuinely just couldn't swallow any of it. Even then I only started eating peas and carrots at 16!
If it helps, I found preparing meals and chopping the veg very very finely, pretty much mincing it as a way of 'hiding' it helped, not suggesting you do it yourself but suggest it to him. I essentially made a vegetable mince for use in anything with (quorn) mince. I knew it was in there but I was so bored of my diet I forced myself to eat it. Then I started increasing the size of the pieces. This was less than a year ago that I sussed this out by the way!