Fathers- Equal or not?

[Lifeofprism]

I'm a single-dad, and I've been on MN for years on and off and as my children are getting older my need for MN is coming to an end.

But one thing I have noticed on here and Wikivorce the other forum I post on, women do seem to want men to take an equal parenting role, whether they do or not is a different matter.

But when separation happens it seems the father should be happy with limited contact and the children will be fine with this.

I was going to ask why women have children with men who they don't trust to be capable of looking after them, but I thought I'd be flame-throwered off MN.

So AIBU to say all parents are equal but some are more equal than others?

Equal parenting or equal child care? I know lots of fathers doing one and not the other.

since me and my ex split i give him plenty of opportunity to see his son and have him whenever hes available. but it seems to me that out of sight out of mind. when hes at work all week all he wants to do is come home and go to sleep he has no intention of seeing his son.
i do the donkey work all week i.e potty training and he comes along when hes got nothing better to do only then will he have his son. i feel he throws the equal parent card in my face when he wants something but conveniently forgets it when hes to pissed or too hungover to bother. i would like him to be an equal parent and take more responsibility for his child.

Shouldn't it be more about what is best for the child concerned though? (I may have to don hard hat at this point and totally hold my hands up to having no actual experience of this!) If what you're suggesting is 50/50 time split between parents, couldn't that be very confusing in some cases with younger children who perhaps are better with one place to call home instead of two? I'm not suggesting that whichever parent gets less time should be happy with it, but if that's in the child's best interests then isn't that just part of the fallout of separation? I can't imagine there are many separations which result in all parties getting exactly what they want, compromises have to be made and the child's needs should come first.

I suppose it would partly depend on why the separation happened. If they split up because he was a violent abusive drunk then limited contact or possibly no contact may be reasonable. If the couple have just drifted apart then I would hope both parties would work out the most equitable arrangement possible in the best interests of the children. I assume the latter scenario is the one that happens most of the time.

i agree pjmamma my son is two so he spends all week with me and visits daddy at the weekend hes young so has adapted to this and sees it as normal now. i wouldn't want my son to be away for a week at one and then a week at the others. my ex went through that with his family and it ended in tears. i would just like him to take responsibility for his sons upbringing not just at the weekend but all the time.

You can't generalise like this, everyone's situations are different. The ages of the children makes a difference, the parents work patterns, the living arrangements, the reasons for the split etc all contribute to how these things are worked out.

My ex left me on sunday.
I want him to be equally involved but it's just not possible. It's nothing to do with not trusting him, its the physical impossibility of the situation.

I don't have any particular plans to divorce DH (not right at the moment, anyway ) but I am sure if we were to split, we would both want DD to spend equal time with each of us. I do question though whether that would realistically be possible, given that he works long hours and travels a lot.

I would want to work out a way for it to happen though - he is a great father (mediocre husband tho...) and it would only make DD unhappy to limit contact with him.

Totally agree with you OP.

QOD hope you're ok.

Children are individuals, not one homogenous mass. What would be suitable for one would not necessarily be suitable for another, so I don't think it's so much about equal parents as what is best for the particular child.

In families with more than one child it's a little more complicated as you have to do what's best for all of them. Then there are other factors such as jobs that mean working away from home on a regular basis.

There isn't a one size fits all solution.

Actually having a good think about it I really don't care what other families do.

Through more luck than judgement I stayed an equal parent, and as long as I can use my experience to ensure my children are aware of the potential pit-falls of giving up your career or being the sole bread-winner I'll be happy.

Whether they listen or not is another matter.

Right last ever post on MN! As it's starting to annoy me now when I used to enjoy it.

Off to read some books, and leave the virtual world behind.

i think if you take equal responsability then your equal. if you dont take equal responsability with everything then your not equal and if your not its your own fault if your treated as tho your not equal. (not saying the op is or isant just mho on the actual question.

My experience is that fathers (my own XP and those of other people that I know) want equal rights and equal standing, but don't actually want or take on an equal share of the responsibility and work involved in raising children. Most of the other lone parents I know are desperate for their ex to take on more of the responsibility and a more active role. I know one separated dad, from what I know from afar he and his ex have a good arrangement and its precisely because he takes his share of the responsibility and is happy to help his ex when needed - recognising that her life and her work is of equal importance to his. This is lacking in the ex partners of most lone mothers that I know.

I missed out "some" in that first sentence - some fathers are like this. My own father is bloody excellent, and is my yardstick that all other fathers have to match up to