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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest meeting an ex, when we are both grown ups now?

24 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 11:53

I had a serious relationship with a man when I was about 21 (so 12 years ago now), lasted a couple of years, marriage on the cards etc. Anyway, long story short, I was already due to join the forces when we met and ultimately this meant the end of the relationship. I realised I wanted to travel and 'experience life' and I knew if I stayed with him our life would be centred around our home-town only, sunday lunch round his mum's every week etc. So we split, on nice terms....we continued to have sex whenever I went home for the weekend, until he met the woman he is now married to.

I now live miles away and have done for years. I am married myself now, have one DC and preg with DC2. He also has a couple of DC. We have had the very occasional text over the years - photos of the DCs etc.

So, another friend from my home town has had a baby and due a milestone birthday so I am planning to journey up there for a weekend. Without my DH or DC. I will be about 7mo preg.

I am planning on texting lots of people I haven't seen for years to see if they are around for a few (non-alcoholic in my case) drinks and a catch up. Is it unreasonable to want to see ex boyf? I would like to see him v much - there is no bad blood between us and i'm really nosey curious to see what life is like now. But obviously I don't want it to seem odd to his wife or anything - I've never met her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 30/08/2012 11:55

Only you can answer this. And be brutally honest with yourself.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 11:55

Would you be happy if your husband wanted to do the same with his ex?

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2012 11:57

Well his wife and her reaction is his business really, so YANBU to text and ask him.

As long as you tell your DH too, I can't see a problem as it'll be all above board.

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 11:57

I can honestly say I would be fine about it if it was DH - I am not planning on meeting him one-to-one for dinner or anything. Just going to say i'm going to be in town for the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 11:59

I've already mentioned it to me DH and he has no problem with it - it was many years and men Blush ago

OP posts:
Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 11:59

My DH, not me

OP posts:
inkyfingers · 30/08/2012 12:09

I wouldn't do it unless it was agreed with your DH and the invite was to his wife as well - maybe a meet at a pub with another couple. Big easy group, no one excluded.

inkyfingers · 30/08/2012 12:11

You'd def give the wrong impression if your ex's wife was not included.

YouOldSlag · 30/08/2012 12:12

If your DH is genuinely fine with it, if the wife is genuinely fine with it and your motives are genuinely pure, then YANBU.

EMS23 · 30/08/2012 12:15

I wouldn't do it, my DH wouldn't want me to and nor I, him.

But I wasn't offended when an ex asked me to meet up a while back, as friends. I declined and said I'd rather leave the past there.

So YANBU to ask your ex bit YWBU to be upset if he refuses for any reason.

wannaBe · 30/08/2012 12:16

I don't see why not. If you split amicably, there's no bad blood there, and no feelings left on either side, then he's just someone in your past isn't he?

I don't get this big deal about ex's and how they should be for ever obliterated from our lives - as if remaining friends/meeting up in the future will somehow turn back the clock and make you fall for each other all over again. Hmm I have each and every one of my ex's on my fb account, would meet up with any of them tomorrow, and tbh when I talk to them it just reminds me that on the whole I had a lucky escape. but would have no problems encountering them in the future, and would tbh have a bit of an issue with it if dh had a problem with it.

MiggleMoo · 30/08/2012 12:20

I wouldn't do it as I could not imagine what good will eventually come from it, but could imagine alot of bad (not suggesting you'd do anything) but stirring up old flames is never a good idea IMO.

YouOldSlag · 30/08/2012 12:24

These threads are often not resolved. There are the posters who say "I wouldn't meet an ex and I would be upset if my DH/DP wanted to meet an ex".

Then there are the posters who say "If my DH/DP has a problem with me meeting an ex then he can shut up and get over it"

There's no right or wrong, just do what works for you and your DH.

For my part, DH and I don't meet or contact exes and that is what works for us. Other couples may work differently and that is OK because they are not us and we are not them.

OneMoreChap · 30/08/2012 12:28

Sure, if you want to YANBU.

I'd let ex now that you'd told your DH, hence giving a clear signal, he can tell his DW and there's nothing else on the cards. I'm sure he wouldn't think there was, but it might make you feel happier.

maddening · 30/08/2012 12:33

I would meet him and his family - that coupled with the bump should show it is purely platonic

missymoomoomee · 30/08/2012 12:33

You have his number but don't bother keeping in touch, I assume he has your number but doesn't bother keeping in touch, why do you want to meet up, if you are so curious about his life then why haven't you called or text or emailed more regularly?

Me and DH are both friends with a few of our ex partners, we have always been friends and thats fine, but I don't think I would be overly happy if an ex who he wasn't in touch with suddenly text that she was in town and wanted to meet up tbh.

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2012 12:36

I'd say invite him and his wife along to a group meet up; only a very silly monogamist PITA could object to that. I am on good terms with several XPs and their partners and would include them in any 'Hi I'm back in town, let's all meet up' arrangements.

post · 30/08/2012 12:39

Ask if you can come over to his for a cup of tea and to meet his wife and family. Take some flowers/ chocs. Then it's really clear at you want to see what his life's like NOW and not wanting to revisit how it was 'then'.

pinkdelight · 30/08/2012 16:43

I wouldn't. Exes are exes, old friends are old friends. There may be some overlap but usually you know in your heart which is which.

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 16:50

I had considered suggetsing I go to their house but thought that would be too weird..

OP posts:
GhostShip · 30/08/2012 18:29

I'd wonder why I wanted to see him so much.

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 18:53

I don't desire to see him anymore then I do any other of my old friends from my home town

OP posts:
GhostShip · 30/08/2012 18:55

Really? Sorry not being patronising but just want you to ask yourself that question.

Because that's the whole crux of the matter

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 30/08/2012 19:03

Yes, really. I have no need to see him because I still think I might fancy him, or want him to fancy me. I just was treading carefully because of the history. I don't think of him any differently to any of my other friends in all honesty
doubt i could pick his penis out of a line up

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