To stop throwing a pity party for my "skint" friend?

[GlassofRose]

A friend of mine has recently moved into her first rental property with her partner. She's always been really bad with money, lending from family and friends and spending it frivolously.

My friend currently is in around at least 12G debt, yet she keeps on going out for lunch/dinner and is collecting animals like Dr Dolittle. Every get together or chat we have usually ends up with her moaning how skint she is. The constant demand for a pity party is pissing me off now, Is it unreasonable to tell her like it is?

can you detatch a bit, do coffee instead of going out for lunch or supper/be not always available

Not at all. But be prepared for her to have a massive cob on about it.

People don't like to be told the truth!

YANBU. Next time, just say "I can imagine it must be difficult feeling as though you have no money. What plans have you made to pay your debts off?".

My friend recently said much the same to me when I was moaning (yet again) about being too fat. She just said "what are you planning to do about it then?". I wasn't offended. But that extra half stone of lard around my middle hasn't lessened any . We're all entitled to a moan, and as long as she's not sponging off you, just ignore it and make the "hmm" noise we all make when our friends are boring us.

YANBU.

YANBU

Of course it's not unreasonable and arguably a good friend should be able to say "maybe if you need to look at how you spend your money as you always seem to be skint and it's the subject of a LOT of your conversation" but as Hecate says she will possibly get the hump!

I've tried to be less available, but she's always been a pretty close friend and even if I don't see her she'll message me. It's never been a problem until she has started moaning about her finances. "Welcome to the real world" was my initial response... but it seems to have gone unnoticed.

Offers of a cuppa indoors are met with "Lets go out". Yet if any mutual friends suggest going out for lunch she's very quick to announce how skint she is. The past two weeks she's been out for more lunches/ dinners than the average socialite, all the while moaning to me about how skint she is. At the exact time she was moaning about said money problems she was in a pet shop making a purchase.

It's just how to approach it without pissing her off... Although I guess that's not really avoidable?

If she's a good friend then just tell her straight, the next time she mentions how poor she is, or what massive thing she bought.

She might laugh it off but at least then you can joke about it and the uncomfortable silence will be broken and she will know how you feel.

If she listens properly then you will feel better too.

How to approach it? Depends how up front you usually are. I could get away with being blunter than a butter knife, because that's the way I am

Pet shop - I'd have said eg:, "put he fucking puppy down, you can't afford to feed yourself let alone a hound" - but the delivery of that would be humorous and not cause offence.

It may be your friend has underlying issues and the "buzz" of spending gives her that high that she needs. I have worked with someone like this before, perpetual poverty, credit cards, almost to the point of bankruptcy - forever clothes shopping on a new line of credit, wardrobes busting with unworn clothes, many that weren't even in her size. Enough shoes to make Imelda Marcos look like a beginner. She had much bigger issues, so it was very difficult to approach that one.

When she says about going out for coffee/lunch can you just say "no, let's stay in, you're always saying you're skint" then when she insists on going out say "well you can't be that poor then, don't keep moaning to me about it then!!" in a slightly humorous tone? You'd get the point said but without being aggressive. If you needed to you could be more blunt next time.

Just be a good friend and be honest and say if you spend like you do you will be skint. Ask if she want any tips/tactics re budgeting and point her to , moneysavingexpert.com. Then you have done you bit: and any more moans just say i pointed you in right direction, your choices/your priorities have consequences you have to live with, lets talk about something else.

refer her to Moneysavingexpert.com. It's such a good site that one look at that and she might be inspired to get some ideas.

Or mention ways you've saved money such as "I switched utilities and saved £300 a year" or "Have you tried Lidl, it's saved us loads" etc

I have been in debt and been skint and it's horrible although it does sound as though your friend is not helping herself much.

I would steer clear because she's just pissing you off, isn't she? Not much of a friendship if you end up feeling annoyed every time you see someone.

If she is a friend you would like to keep then I'd be blunt with her. "You are always moaning about money and it is starting to affect our friendship as you don't seem to want to do anything to help yourself like go out less for coffee or stop collecting animals and just want to moan. If you want to save money then do something about it but please stop just moaning all the time".
Sometimes friends have to say unpleasant things. if this is bothering you it may be driving other friends away.
If she stops contacting you fair enough as the friendship won't last if she continues her moaning anyway so you haven't lost anything.
If you don't want to try and keep her as a friend just keep saying you are busy and delay replying to her messages.