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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a lily-livered loon?

19 replies

AppleOrchid · 29/08/2012 18:01

Hello,

Right, here goes...

I spend all my time with my 18-month-old daughter. I take care for her while my partner works in the week, and we don't have family nearby to help out. I really don't mind this at all. It seems quite natural to me.

Thing is, I have been invited to a party in London next week and it would mean a day and a night away (we live two-hundred miles away). About a month ago, I decided I'd go, but since then I have changed my mind a hundred times. I am driving myself mad with it and am all too aware that I am probably being totally neurotic. It's just that I'm so worried that she'll miss me, or need me when I'm away (so much so that I have been having anxiety dreams where she needs me and I can't get to her). Also, I still breastfeed her to sleep most nights and I'm worried she won't settle. So there we have it, I am a loon, or possibly a big baby myself.

I keep trying to rationalise it; "it's only a day and a night; she'll be well looked after by her dad etc etc", but I've turned it into such a big deal now I don't know what to do. I am very close to cancelling.

Have I blown all of this completely out of proportion, or are my motherly instincts telling me I'm not ready?

I'd really like some advice, or maybe help putting it in perspective. Is it normal to feel like this, do I just need to get over it? Is it OK to cancel on the grounds that I'm offically the world's most neaurotic mother?

OP posts:
Svrider · 29/08/2012 18:03

Well my dd is 8yo. The only time I've left her overnight was when in labour with ds!
Can you go for the day, and come back at night?

squoosh · 29/08/2012 18:06

You don't want to go 8 years without leaving her do you AppleOrchid?

You obviously really want to go, so go, just think of the joyful reunion that will await you on your return. You never know, you might enjoy yourself and want to do it again!

Original poster
AppleOrchid · 29/08/2012 18:06

Alas, no. If I go it'll mean an overnight stay...

OP posts:
ImNotInsaneMyMotherHadMeTested · 29/08/2012 18:10

Why not have a "rehearsal" or two - go out at bedtime for a walk and let your partner settle her (stay out till she's completely settled else she might hear you!) go out for a few hours at the weekend?

Original poster
AppleOrchid · 29/08/2012 18:11

Sqoosh, you're right, I do really want to go, but not if my worst fears (that DD needs, misses me, is inconsolable without me etc etc) come to fruition. I have been tormenting myself with unhappy scenarios. Ultimately, I wish I could be a bit more laid back.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 29/08/2012 18:12

She will be completely fine, it will be nice for DH to have some proper time being completely in charge and it sounds like you need some socialising and fun!

numbum · 29/08/2012 19:34

At 18 months you aren't going to traumatise her for life by being away for one night. She'll be fine. If she cries she'll have her daddy there to comfort her. Go and enjoy yourself!!

Lambzig · 29/08/2012 20:07

You have my sympathy. DD is 2 yrs 6 months and I have spent one night away from home for work around 5 months ago. I hated, hated it. She sulked like mad with me when I got back insisting "no daddy does it" whenever I went near her. I am pg at the moment and probably having an elc and completely stressed about how she will cope with three days.

That said, I am the only one of my friends who feels like this and I do think its not the best way to be. So, if you can brace yourself, I think you will enjoy yourself and should probably go for it.

GobblersKnob · 29/08/2012 20:12

I am another one who's ds is eight and I have had two nights away from him to have dd and that's it.

He has a residental next month with school and I feel just like you Grin

Otoh, years ago I looked after my best friends eight week old dd while she went to V.

No-one can decide for you, do what ever feels right and that will be the right thing to do.

Harleyband · 29/08/2012 20:12

I have to go away for several nights twice a year for work. I do all the nighttime stuff and my 2 yo DD is very very attached to me. Each time I go I worry for weeks and nearly back out. Each time I go, she has a fabulous time with DH, goes to sleep much more easily than when I'm there, and reverts to form as soon as I return. Kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for. I'd say go for it. If it's a disaster, you won't cause any lasting harm and you'll know you'll have to wait a bit before the next trip.

Original poster
AppleOrchid · 30/08/2012 08:42

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. It's feels reassuring to know I'm not the only one to find it hard.

Re GobblersKnob: "No-one can decide for you, do what ever feels right and that will be the right thing to do"... I know you're right, it's just one of those annoying situations where neither decision feels completely right.

Bumbags, I wish I could just make a decision I was happy with!

OP posts:
NellyBluth · 30/08/2012 09:14

I agree with insane, could you have a few practice runs of bedtime with you out of the house to see if she does settle when you aren't there?

It's certainly not unreasonable at all to go away for a night when your DD is that age and personally I think a bit of 'adult' (not in a nudge nudge, wink wink way Grin) time would be good for you. But of course if you are going to worry the whole time then it won't be worth it for you.

The twice I have left DD with my parents, worried that she might have one of her paddys or wake up at 4am, she has been an absolute angel - chances are your DD will be fine and will love having some Daddy time.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 30/08/2012 09:20

Go.

Do not phone home until you are making the reverse journey, as if your dd is crying or dh tells you she is upset, it will ruin your trip.

Children cry..they get over it. She will be with dh....not with a stranger.

Have fun.

SoleSource · 30/08/2012 11:13

Stay home look after my DS and I will go instead.

CocktailsAndFriedChicken · 30/08/2012 12:35

It is only one night. If she's upset, it will only be for a short time. She may well not be upset - these are your anxieties not hers, after all. It is healthy & good to enjoy yourself.

Original poster
AppleOrchid · 30/08/2012 14:07

Last few posters - thank you!

I think you may be right and it is just the encouragement I need. I am limbering up to making a decision to go (how lame and non-commital is that?). I am definitely closer to knowing what I'm going to do anyway!

OP posts:
ZonkedOut · 30/08/2012 14:19

I was a bit anxious the first time I left DD1 overnight but she was fine. She didn't seem to miss me much at all, but did want a big cuddle when I got back.

DD2 is similar too, she can be very clingy when I'm near, but gets on with things when I'm not around. But if I come back in the room, all of a sudden she needs Mummy to cuddle. Which obviously has the desired effect of making me feel a tiny bit guilty about leaving her.

I'd say bite the bullet and have fun! It will do you both good to realise she can do things without you if needs be.

Original poster
AppleOrchid · 30/08/2012 18:03

Okay, I think I am going to do it.

It's weird though, now I've (almost, definitely) decided this, bubs has got super clingy. It's like she knows. I must be sending out anxiety vibes. Must be calm, relaxed, uber confident mother (ie. person who is not me).

OP posts:
Yama · 30/08/2012 18:12

My dh had to stop me from backing out of a weekend away with the girls when dc2 was 17 months old.

I went and had a ball. Bit different in that in was in the Scottish highlands. My favourite part was just going out for a walk in the dreich Scottish winter with a couple of friends.

Loved getting home too. We all need away sometimes.

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