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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so bad that I upset a mum of a child with sn

31 replies

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 29/08/2012 15:12

Because I do, feel bad that is

This didn't happen today but it's been playing on my mind...

DH and I took the dc out for the day. We were at an indoor place waiting for an event, as we were standing there more people came in behind us. Then I heard a really loud shout and a grunting sound, I turned around because it made me jump and saw a mum with an older boy who was making the noises and could see he had sn. Once I saw him it was clear the noise was because he was excited and so I smiled at him and his mum as I would with any child being cute/excited and thought no more of it

But then my youngest started copying the sounds the boy was making, he's only one, just a baby and he just copies everything at the moment. We were trying to discretely shut him up but it wasnt working then the doors opened and we were ushered in, I tried to look back to catch the mums eye to make it clear that it was the baby and that no one was trying to ridicule her son, but she'd dropped back so I couldn't speak to her, she gave me a death glare and then I couldn't see her anymore

I was (and am) just so mortified that she or her son might have thought we were making fun of him. I keep wondering if we ruined their day. I feel so guilty and think I should have handled it better. And if you are recognising this and it was you then please accept my sincere apologies

OP posts:

lljkk · 29/08/2012 15:13

Why would she think you were encouraging your child to mimic?

cinnamonnut · 29/08/2012 15:14

I can see why you feel bad, but I'm sure she understands that your one year old doesn't mean anything by it! I doubt she'd think a one year old was mocking her son.

goingtoofast · 29/08/2012 15:15

Your son is only one, he couldn't help the noises he was making just like the boy with sn couldn't.

I understand why you feel bad but you did nothing wrong.

choceyes · 29/08/2012 15:16

Did she think that you were making the noise, not realising it was your one year old? Surely she can't think a baby was mocking her DC?

HecateHarshPants · 29/08/2012 15:17

Don't worry about it. Your child is one. Nobody could possibly take offence at that. That would be bonkers.

My children make the most bizarre noises you've ever heard, if a one year old started copying them - I'd just laugh!

If she didn't realise that it was the baby, then she may very well have been hurt and that's really sad, I know how awful it feels when people look and stuff, but that's not what was going on and if she thought it was - it's not your fault. You tried to catch her but couldn't.

You have to let it go. There's nothing to be done now.

She may have been upset and that's really horrible for her, but you have to remember that YOU didn't upset her. You didn't do anything! Beyond have a one year old child who heard what was to them a great and amazing noise!

bugster · 29/08/2012 15:18

Don't feel bad, she can't blame you for the noises a one year old makes. I'm sure she's encountered it before. It would be very unfair of her to blame you in the situation and I'm sure it didn't spoil their time, I think she has probably got a thicker skin than that.

Original poster

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 29/08/2012 15:19

Thank you for being nice, it does help

I should have said sorry my brain is a bit sluggish because of the morphine! that we have six dc including the baby, I didn't want her to think it was one of the older ones

It was just the look she gave me as she went out of sight, I don't blame her at all but I just feel really bad that I might have made their day bad even if it was accidental

OP posts:

lingle · 29/08/2012 15:23

That sounds like the kind of thing that happens to me, though not with SN as my younger son has some sn so I have some level of experience now.

YANBU - you wanted to communicate something supportive and perhaps that message didn't get across.

You aren't the problem - other people from her past who have made that mum suspect the worst of you are the problem.

I try to put my mortifications to good use - I can't take back having sent out the wrong message and upset someone, but I can choose whether to join in the playground gossip about a child or whether as an alternative to chat with the mother of that child. You'll have your own version of this kind of choice:)

Original poster

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 29/08/2012 15:34

That's a really lovely way of thinking about it lingle

OP posts:

SunflowersSmile · 29/08/2012 15:39

My 3 year old mimics hacking coughs, laughs etc. Only very occasionally have been given a stern look. At one there really is little you could do. I may have to get it firm with my 3 year old though....
Try not to dwell too much.

SoleSource · 29/08/2012 15:56

You or your chikd is not at fault. Maybe she thought you had made the noises or peopke you wrre with or someone else. You hsve nothing to feel bad about.

NOTHING..OK? X

MOther ofanAutistic child.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 29/08/2012 15:59

It's really unlikely she felt the way you think she did.
It's all fine.

If it helps, my son is autistic and he a bloody horror for copying what other people do.

And he is 9 so not easy to explain away :)

Triggles · 29/08/2012 16:01

I have a child with SNs, and in that situation I would never think badly of a 1yr old or his mum. Now if the child was TEN and copying, then yes. But ONE?? Nope... that's what children his age do... no worries.

Badvoc · 29/08/2012 16:07

Your son is 1!
If he were older then yes, it would have been a nasty and immature thing to do.
Perhaps she was just having a bad day?
Anyway.
Don't worry.

ouryve · 29/08/2012 16:08

If you want the world to feel a little more balanced, both of my boys have SN and my eldest used to imitate everyone when he was young. When he was 2.5, we had to take baby DS2 into hospital for a blood draw and we walked past an elderly lady with a really bad grunty cough in the corridor. We wanted to fall through the floor when he started imitating her, but thankfully, she turned round, smiled at him and said "that's a nasty cough you have."

Babies and toddlers imitate all the time - it's how they learn language. I've only ever been upset by the boy down the road imitating DS2, who is in the boy's class and non-verbal, because that boy is old enough to do it for the sake of being mean and his father was ignorant enough to not even flinch and we have a history of him being quite a nasty little boy (throwing stuff at the car, playing chicken when DH reverses out etc).

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 16:11

Nah, don't worry about it.
I wouldn't be offended by a small child mimicking.

And fwiw my face does a death glare sometimes when I am thinking of nothing much, or sometimes if I have a sore back or a wedgie - sadly sometimes that's whatmy face does.

There is also the possibility that she is just a bit of a cow. We are not saints you know. Some of us are arseholes at times too, just like regular folk

ouryve · 29/08/2012 16:12

Oh - and you know how babies set up squealing and shrieking competitions across supermarkets? DS2 is usually taking part in those - he quite often is the instigator. He's 6! I think nothing of the fat that these tots are mimicking him, since they're all probably about the same developmental age!

ouryve · 29/08/2012 16:13

Now glad I don't know pagwatch irl - because I'll be wondering if she has a wedgie or if she's just cross with me :o

thornrose · 29/08/2012 16:18

Just to spin it around, my dd with AS does the death glare. I'm the one that has to go around grinning inanely in an attempt to balance it out

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 16:19

Or both ouryve.

threesocksmorgan · 29/08/2012 16:20

I would have a death glare face in a que as I hate queuing,
I doubt if she even noticed, or if she did she might of thought it was one of the other children.

Original poster

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 29/08/2012 16:29

I know pagwatch, I'm disabled and I was most annoyed that my halo didn't arrive when my wheelchair did and nor did my goat

Thank you all for making me feel better, it's strange how some things get to you isn't it? I usually shrug most things off but I've been feeling really bad about this. I think it was that we were having a really nice day out and id hate to be the one who ruined that for someone else

I hope if she was upset she was more pissed off than upset you know? And in future I will keep a metric fuckton bag of chocolate buttons handy to shut the baby up

OP posts:

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 29/08/2012 16:31

Well you lot can speak for yourselves.
i'm a feckin saint!

Pagwatch · 29/08/2012 16:33

Yy you are indeed MrsD.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 29/08/2012 16:34

That's better.
Now do carry on.

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