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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother-in-law going deaf

15 replies

Jessica34 · 29/08/2012 14:02

Hi,
was just wondering whether you think i have a valid point. My Mother-in-law is slowly starting to loose her hearing and its getting very bad she missess so much in conversation. howwever she is refusing to go to the doctors to get it checked out. She said she's worried it being about her age. She cant face gettting older. She doesnt accept its a problem. I
have had a chat with her and been as nice as possible however i have explained that i am anxious that she would not be able to follow instructions properly when looking after my baby. asecently she has got some things wrong when rather thsn saying pardon she has just done what she thinks has been asked of her. She was a little upset when i said I dont feel confident in her childcare abilities if she ca\not hear. Am i wrong. Should i stop her haviung my dd age 7 months. Only until she gets it checked out. DH doesn't say much he tends to aviod confrontation.

OP posts:

Pixieonthemoor · 29/08/2012 14:32

I do understand that deafness can be incredibly frustrating - I have close family members who are hard of hearing. However, unless it is a specific matter of hearing a child crying whilst waking in the night if your 7 m old is staying with her, I think casting aspersions on her child caring abilities is a bit rude. I do hope you didn't use the actual phrase "following your instructions" - I mean she has brought children up herself, your dh included (unless there is a special situ with instructions like ensuring the baby doesnt eat something in particular in which case YANBU that she can't follow these. Is this the case?)

dazzledsazzle · 29/08/2012 15:20

Would it help her to stress the good points of getting it sorted ie. hearing her grand daughter sing and speak to her etc ... and also yes, what if your little one is staying with her and crying ? I'd feel so bad not being able to hear a distressed child .... thats a worry. Also show her adverts for those tiny hearing aids you can get now maybe? Is it the 'fear' and her lack of knowledge re aids and what they look like now as aids have progressed since my Gran's ancient huge old thing years back....

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2012 15:35

Deaf people raise children. When DD was 7 months I didn't spend more than a few seconds minutes away from her anyway. If MIL is physically with her she will see if DD is crying.

My DM spent years denying the need for a hearing aid. She has one now but it tooks hours of gentle persuasion. Good luck.

Bellyjaby · 29/08/2012 15:35

I get what you're going through here, as well as your mil. My df has been profoundly deaf for years, always refusing to do anything about it. He only got hearing aids as he was told he couldn't be a cricket umpire anymore unless he got them (by whoever runs these things, not us). He wears them when we visit but he turns them off. My dd is sparing with kisses and cuddles, and all my dad wants is her to sit on his lap. He can't hear her saying no to him. She's 19 m btw. Then also, she's getting better and better at being around him and she brings him toys and calls him "pops". He can't hear it and she gets upset. And I know I can't leave dd with him unless dm is around. It's heartbreaking on all counts really.

I hope your mil accepts it soon and you can feel better about leaving dc with her.

NCForNow · 29/08/2012 15:36

You can write things in a list for her re the baby.

Bellyjaby · 29/08/2012 15:37

MrsTerry has a very valid point that makes me feel bad now

coppertop · 29/08/2012 15:43

Not being able to hear well doesn't mean you can't look after a child.

Instead of relying on being able to hear crying, you look for visual clues. This can be anything from something as obvious as looking at the child's face, through to using a monitor which lights up when it detects noise.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2012 15:43

Don't feel bad. MIL might be useless in other ways

snozzlemaid · 29/08/2012 15:45

If she won't see a GP about it, would she go to specsavers. I'm pretty sure they do hearing tests etc now too.
She might then feel less upset about it, thinking its on the same lines as having glasses.

mercibucket · 29/08/2012 15:46

yabu about the caring for the baby part but it's a shame your mil won't go to the GP. It might not be her hearing, could be something like thyroid problems which can be cured

CouthyMow · 29/08/2012 15:51

Thyroid problems can cause hearing loss? That's interesting for me...

hackmum · 29/08/2012 15:53

I haven't got much advice, but I'm very interested in the phenomenon - why is it that people who are going deaf so often refuse to admit it? If your sight is failing, you go to the optician, no problem. But hearing...no.

My MiL is very deaf, without being completely deaf, iyswim. You have to shout at her, usually over the tv which is on at top volume, which is wearing. I've talked to her about the possibility of digital hearing aids but she says her kind of deafness can't be helped by hearing aids, which I'm sceptical about as she used to have one of those unwieldy analogue ones.

Dunno if this helps, but a few years ago my dad had a female friend who was going deaf but refused to wear a hearing aid, saying she didn't need it. He appealed to her better nature, saying it would make life easier for everyone else if she had one, so she went and got one, and lo and behold, life was easier, for her and everyone else. (Looking back, I see this is similar to the point dazzled made.)

Beamur · 29/08/2012 15:53

Hearing loss is very common in older age - I'm partially deaf (and have been all my life) and it hasn't stopped me being able to care for my DD. But the point you make is valid, if your MIL is missing parts of what you say, perhaps you could make a note instead, so that there isn't room for misunderstanding?

My Mum looks after my DD but has memory loss, so I always leave notes to help remind her of certain things - she likes me to list what food to offer DD for example.
Deafness in someone who has previously had good hearing can be very isolating if they are unwilling to have it treated. My MIL also has hearing loss (but does use an aid) but I have noticed she converses less and less with the older children as she obviously finds it hard work. My DD however, is used to dealing with me and makes sure she has your attention before speaking and keeps repeating herself until she is understood!

Scholes34 · 29/08/2012 15:56

I think you're being very harsh on your MIL. Regardless of whether she'll go to the doctors or not, you can possibly be more helpful when communicating with her by ensuring you don't mumble and that you're looking at her when you talk to her. If she's slowly starting to lose her hearing, you'll be surprised how much she picks up through sub-consciously lip-reading and picking up on your body language. Ensure she's understood what you've said, and as someone else has said, looking after a child isn't something that's alien to her anyway, so she does have some idea what she needs to do.

Don't threaten that she can't look after your DD, unless, of course, there are other reasons why you might not want her to.

Original poster

Jessica34 · 29/08/2012 16:00

Thanks for the response. Just to reasure you I am definaitly not saying peole with hearing impareiments can not raise children I have a disability myself and would be horrified if people thought that I couldn't look after my children. Its more that she doesn't want to do anthing about it. Writing it down is a deffinatly the way forward.

OP posts:

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