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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holiday over family

16 replies

sleepingthr0ugh · 29/08/2012 09:09

My DP is getting seriously stressed over the fact that we are not necessarily going to be able do the things we did before we had our DS. He is used to going skiing every year (with his mates) and us having a holiday together. He acts as if we are never going to be able to go away again which is just not true. He recently proposed but now keeps going on about how the wedding will also prevent us from doing anything and it makes me feel like throwing the ring back at him. We are due to go away to see family in Scotland next week and last night he stated its going to be more hard work than a holiday, this is the first time since DS was born 12 weeks ago that I have been away (DP spent a long weekend in Greece 4 weeks ago) and I was really looking forward to it now I'm worried its going to turn into a 'see i told you so' episode if DS cries, wont settle or is at all of colour whilst we are away.

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 29/08/2012 09:14

Sounds like he needs to grow up! He is a father now whether he likes it or not. Instead of resenting it he needs to open his eyes and see what a wonderful privilege it is.

Having children does not stop you doing anything you did before, you just need to adapt a little.

Sallyingforth · 29/08/2012 09:17

^ What Shakirasma says. Plus until he recognises this and behaves properly, don't marry him.

Gentleness · 29/08/2012 09:30

Is he stressy in other respects too? While I sympathise with you, don't assume he's just being awkward. It might be the responsibility feels harsh and he is genuinely afraid. Dealing with each other's fears is such a big part of learning to be parents together.

I do know how frustrating it is to feel like you have all the stresses of new motherhood to deal with and then a partner's panic on top and I was so cross he couldn't be more strong for me. But in the end it was me being naive to think he would just be there for me and strong and the huge changes wouldn't affect him.

Original poster
sleepingthr0ugh · 29/08/2012 09:38

In other areas he is great but he does really stress about money and it is always about things he will no longer be able to do, he acts as if it is the end of the world and it will be forever. We did talk about this a lot before we had DS and I have done as much as I can to ensure that things dont change too much, hence his boys weekend in Greece I'm just not sure I can keep being made to feel like this family has ruined his life and prevents him from having fun any more. What is more annoying is that his concerns are not realistic and he blows them out of proportion and then hardly talks for hours/days at a time. This recent episode all started when we were looking at going on holiday with a few friends who have children at school and he found out how much more it is in the school holidays, DS isn't in school for 5 years yet!!!

OP posts:
everybodywalkthedinosaur · 29/08/2012 10:26

He needs to get a grip and realise that he's a father now; his needs come after his son.
DH had something similar about a friends wedding. He gave me crap about me not going. He went to it, all his friends wanted to do was get shitfaced and he realised that he'd rather be at home with DD. He's since said that it took him a while to get his head around being a father, as I'd had the experience of nurturing whilst pg.

Morloth · 29/08/2012 10:31

Jeez, how old is he? 16?

shesariver · 29/08/2012 10:36

We did talk about this a lot before we had DS and I have done as much as I can to ensure that things dont change too much

Why?? But things HAVE changed - hes a father now and has equal repsonsibility for your DS.

Gentleness · 29/08/2012 10:41

I know other posters are saying he needs to get a grip, but I had those unrealistic fears and had to learn to deal with them. So I did, but it took a while and still does sometimes. Dh found they hit harder and in fact was diagnosed with PND a couple of weeks after the birth. No-one can properly reassure you about irrational fears, it is just a matter of learning how to deal with them to stay sane. And (generalisation ahead) I think the change is a harder (or very different) one to adjust to for men without that 9mo build up internally.

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 10:56

Does he come from a big family, or have siblings with kids, or much experience with kids?

I had virtually no experience with kids before having DS and I have to admit I was a bit like your DH for a good 3-4 months after he was born. The reality of it all really hit me (and in retrospect I think I had some amount of PND going on). What helped change things for me was:

Feeling physically better as DS' sleeping improved (is your DH run down or stressed with work?)

Having my worse-case scenario fears proved wrong a few times (perhaps your upcoming trip will change things)

Finally realising how much my negativity was crushing my DH and resolving to be a stronger partner

Basically I think you are right to be annoyed with him but 12 weeks is still in the transitional phase and perhaps he just needs a bit more time (and a kick in the arse!) I think you should have a frank talk with him and hope he will rise to the occasion.

ENormaSnob · 29/08/2012 11:14

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Scholes34 · 29/08/2012 13:06

Having children stops you doing lots of things you used to do before you had them, but it also opens up lots of new opportunities and horizons. DP needs to know that his life has changed, but not necessarily for the worse.

He's probably upset because he's no longer the only child and getting all the attention he wants. When DC2 comes along, it will be a doddle for you!

shesariver · 29/08/2012 19:31

OP are you there?

BackforGood · 29/08/2012 19:47

What Gentleness said. I thought all sorts of things before I had dc - many of us have to actually experience them to truely understand. I know I'm not alone in that. It's just the same for the menfolk - some take to it like a duck to water, some get frightened or upset or anxious, and that comes out in different ways. Don't try and assure him everything will 'be alright' and be tip toeing around trying to make it as before, but do say 'Of course it's going to be different, but it's so lovely when......" (and that might just be when your ds smiles up at you).
With any life changing event, you will enjoy it so much more if you encompass the changes, rather than trying to get everything back to the way it was before. You will have holidays. You will have fun, but you will only all enjoy them if you both understand it's a different stage in your life now and that it can be just as lovely as the last stage, just different. He might just take a bit longer to come round to that thinking than you have.

holyfishnets · 29/08/2012 21:44

Is DH in his teens? He sounds very young and self centered. Having kids will enrich his life no end. Kids bring a different type of pleasure then a singles type holiday though. He really should be supporting you and cherishing the time as a new family really. Have you considered that he might have male PND? If he finding it particularly hard to adjust to parenthood, maybe he needs some support from the GP? Those first few months can be hard going but it does get easier.

2rebecca · 29/08/2012 22:12

I agree that when kids are young holidays don't really exist. Having said that i think people with kids can overdo the pretending visiting extended family is a holiday thing and sometimes you have to have holidays as holidays and not be forever visiting people and being visited. Everyone wanting a piece of you and your sprog is part of the problem, prekids they left you alone more.

Adversecamber · 29/08/2012 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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