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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD play with this friend again?

20 replies

NCForNow · 28/08/2012 12:14

DD has a friend from her old school...they are both 8 now and bothed started new schools in September.

They have stayed in touch through their own instigation....we have playdates now and then.

Whenever DD comes back from this child's house she is a BRAT. She is spoiled, naughty and bratish.

I can't work out why....she's a nice kid usually. Her friend is from a very rich family with a large house and lot's of toys...could that be it? Why? Why does gng there make her change?

She loves going there....any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
NCForNow · 28/08/2012 12:17

The friend has always seemed nice.

OP posts:
more · 28/08/2012 12:19

Is she the same when her friends has been to your house?

wellwisher · 28/08/2012 12:20

What's it like when the friend comes to your house?

halcyondays · 28/08/2012 12:21

Are they giving them a lot of sugary, e-numbery food? Maybe she's just over excited when she comes home?

Pagwatch · 28/08/2012 12:21

I have no idea but the poor behaviour is your daughters, not the friend she is visiting.
By simply removing the thing that prompts her to behave like a 'brat' you are not teaching her how not to be a brat or punishing her for being a brat. You are just reducing the times it will happen.

It kind of reads as if you are blaming the friend based on not much more than their being rich. Which means that you will need to ensure that she avoids wealthy people forever as she can't control her behaviour around them. Which is a bit back to front I think.

It is tricky though. What does she say. Have you asked her 'why are you behaving so badly after going to see x?'. She is 8

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 12:21

You can't blame another family for your child's behaviour. Maybe they let their hair down and run about a lot together and she's simply over-excited when she gets home? You sound like you feel inferior to the other family... and that's your problem.

Bingdweller · 28/08/2012 12:22

Given that she is 8, I would have a frank talk with her before she goes to their house about your expectations of her behaviour when she gets home. It's not fair to blame the other child's behaviour or the fact she sounds quite privileged.

Alternatively, you could meet in a more neutral place - shopping, soft play place etc. or have the other girl over to play at our house so you can loosely supervise them to see where this behaviour might be coming from?

Original poster
NCForNow · 28/08/2012 12:22

No she's not naughty after the friend has been here. I'm not blaming the friend for being rich but wondered if DD gets dissatisfied with our home and what we have?

The friend lives in a madly gorgeous place.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/08/2012 12:23

No I wouldn't end their friendship over it...I think your DD would probably resent you for that.

Just get super strict with her behaviour and make it clear that if she continues to act like that after a visit, you may well have to stop her visiting until she learns to control herself.

Original poster
NCForNow · 28/08/2012 12:23

Cogito...but WHY is it only after visiting this friend? I have asked DD why and she says she doesn't know.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 12:23

Children are not that shallow. Maybe your DD feels suppressed at home with you? Has to be too obedient and mousy quiet?

lucidlady · 28/08/2012 12:24

Maybe she's jealous of her friend and this is how she releases her anger?

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2012 12:24

Well if she does get dissatisfied with her home and what she has, she'll have to learn to cope with that anyway.

Removing the friend will not remove the problem.

Original poster
NCForNow · 28/08/2012 12:27

Cogito what gave you that impression! She's allowed a lot of freedom...loads of physical and artistic play. I'm not a fussy person and they are allowed to do "messy" things.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCForNow · 28/08/2012 12:28

Lucid that''s what I was getting at....could it be, that at only 8 she compares what we have negatively?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 28/08/2012 12:36

She could well be jealous, but probably not how you imagine. Kids can have a really odd perspective sometimes; we used to be madly envious of one friend who's mum bought a tin of biscuits every week.

This was strictly for Christmas in our world, so we saw it as a sign of immense richness, despite the very obvious fact that the family lived in a tiny flat, and the girl had far less toys / clothes / stuff than any of us.
Never feel inferior to anyone Smile

lucidlady · 28/08/2012 19:04

It may be something silly like her friend has a lovely pink satin bedspread that she loves, and she feels annoyed that she doesn't have one I'm in no way speaking from personal experience, oh no Being so young she probably doesn't understand what she is feeling, so maybe a way to get it out of her is to chat about what the house is like, what she most enjoys about going there, is there anything she doesn't like etc?

Leena49 · 28/08/2012 19:39

My dd (12) has a friend like that. She used to come back and say 'they have this and they have that'. Now she is older she just says 'mum we are mates but she's a bit spoiled'
Its just a temporary thing if it has made her a little envious she will soon grow out of it. In fact it's helped her put things into perspective as she just laughs about the stuff she gets bought etc.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2012 19:48

How does she behave when she's there, do you know? Does her friend's mum have a tight smile when she drops her off? Does she actually slow down the car or just push her out?

TheSmallClanger · 28/08/2012 21:22

Is she like this after playing with other children? DD used to be either attitudey, or hyper and annoying when she had to come home from playing with a friend.

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