BIL forgot DS's 1st birthday

[LoveCeebeebies]

Basically, my BIL and his wife forgot DS's (their only nephew) first birthday.

BIL asked DH a week before the birthday to ask what DS "wanted" for a present. DH said anything that his own son would have liked at that age. No present or card appeared, and BIL did not phone or even send a text on the day.

I feel very hurt by this, although we haven't said anything to BIL. I know BIL and his wife are very busy, but BIL sends presents directly from Amazon already wrapped. This doesn't require much effort. DH and I have always remembered the birthdays of BIL's children and buy whatever presents BIL suggests they would like (usually around £30 - £40 each for birthday and christmas).

BIL and his family live a few hours' drive from us, and we see them maybe twice a year. We used to drive to visit them more often before DS arrived. DH gets on reasonably well with BIL, but has a rather stormy relationship with BIL's wife.

Would it be unreasonable to agree with BIL not to do presents going forward? Obviously DS didn't notice this time around but in a few years time he will. I'm reluctant to spend so much money on BIL's children if it isn't reciprocated. Then again I don't want to punish his children.

I've just read this and I am probably BU - please feel free to give me a bashing!

I'd just wait & see if anything turns up tbh

i think that is a lot to spend anyway.

you know that is isn't the point - the reciprocation i mean.

the thought is in the card imo - which is really for the parents as the kids dont give a shit.

Although he didn't forget if he asked what he wanted

Could they have sent ecard or evoucher which has gone into junk mail box?

Gumby - it's been a month so I'm not expecting anything to turn up.

But agree for birthday think that's v generous.. Can they afford to reciprocate? Easy to say don't accept I you won't reciprocate but...

Could it have got lost in the post?

Could your BIL be intending to bring it the next time he sees you and DS? Maybe he forgot to get something in time, and then thought 'sod it, it's already late so a bit later won't matter'? I do this a lot

We of course don't mind how much they spend on DS, although they can afford to reciprocate.

In the past we have always been guided by BIL on what to get his children. Maybe it would be best just to send small presents going forward.

YABU to use the phrase 'going forward'.

It could have got lost in the post. You should check that first before thinking anything else.

BIL never comes to visit us because his children are both under 7 so a trip to see us would be a real effort. It's easier for us to go to him. I doubt he is planning to bring anything.

Likewise I don't think a present has got lost in the post. Nothing ever seems to go missing here, and DH has spoken to BIL several times since DS birthday - he would have mentioned it.

Are you all well off? I'm surprised bil is suggesting presents costing that much
As for forgetting, well, he's only 1, he won't notice, why hasn't your dh chased this up? A quick phone call is all that's required. Sounds like he remembered then forgot, or has ordered something that never arrived. Why build it up into something big? Spunds like ypu are looking for a fight tbh

Can children not travel before they are 7 then? :)

It sounds like he just wanted you to tell him exactly what to order and when you didn't, he was unable/unwilling to think of anything and therefore gave up.

I think suggesting that you do cards and not gifts in future is probably sensible. 30 pounds seems a lot to me anyway.

You should just forget about it, tbh. It was a month ago, you really can't raise the issue with your BIL now (I wouldn't have even raised it at the time) without sounding like an entitled loon with too much time on her hands.
You can bet your DS hasn't noticed.

Remus - I agree that's what I think has happened.

I've got no intention of asking DH to chase it up, and I'm not looking for a fight.

I just feel very hurt TBH.

My bil has forgotten every one of ds' birthdays and he's now 5yo. Dh even reminded him with a week to go because he happened to see him this year.

He's got about a 50% success rate of dd1 and dd2's birthday presents.

What did prove quite effective last year was mentioning to him that I was going to give his ds a present proportional to how many presents he'd remembered over the year. (ie if he remembered 1 I'd spent 1/3 the price on it). Suddenly 2 presents (for dd1 and dd2-because ds' was before his child so wouldn't count in the same year) arrived 2 months late.
It irritates me particuarly as he likes to go on about what a brilliant uncle he is and how he's the favourite (he isn't).

I look to spend around £15 on nephew/nieces presents, so I think you're spending too much anyway.

do you think that he may just have given up as he didnt know what to buy? Maybe if he asks another time suggest something very specific. Some people get quite stressed about these things and like to know exactly what is wanted.

Do people really demand presents for their children's birthdays in advance - and then chase them up if they're late?

See this sort of thing doesn't bother me at all.

People sometimes forget Birthdays...other times they remember them.

As long as you don't forget your own kid's birthday, job's a goodun.

I do understand we're all different, but this really is a non issue for me and it's actually a non issue for my kids too.

They understand that sometimes Aunts and Uncles forget...so if they get a card or a present it's a bonus.

Thanks all. It's useful to get a feel for what is a reasonable amount to spend on presents for nephews. We haven't got any other children to buy for so really have no idea!

Apprentice - that's a good idea to be specific if he asks again. We just really didn't have anything in mind this year as DS is only 1. We thought it might be good to get inspiration from our nephews' favourite toys.

why let it bother you so much

he forgot that does not mean he does not care it really it is no big deal unless you make it a big deal

i forget birthdays all the time but i am always there for people and reliable in other ways. don't be petty for all you know there might be some issues going on that you are not aware of

I think I would have been a bit hurt by the lack of card/call/text/email/whatever to say Happy First Birthday to your DS, but it's not about presents from Uncles and Aunts on the day is it really? As long as you celebrated the way you wanted to with your DS does it really matter what someone he rarely sees did or didn't get him? Plus, if DS is only just one he won't even have realised.

I would be more annoyed if someone asked DS1 (3yo) what he would like for his birthday a week before the event (so he would remember being asked by the person when his birthday came around) and then didn't bring him anything.. not in a grabby way, just because I think DS1 would have been disappointed to be asked and to think he might get something exciting and then be 'let down', IYSWIM?

Bloody he'll- I'm so glad I'm not in your family. I have loads of nieces, nephews and great nieces qnd nephews. I remebernthr birthdays sometimes, but not always. I Alwqys give presents t chirwtmqsn qnd when we see them- but I really can't be relied on to do birthdays!

Onh and giving a present becaue you expect it to be reciprocated isn't a present, it's a financial transaction. Which rqthr ties in with u using the expression " going forward" at least twice.

Put ti down to hormones (yours not his) and forty about it.

My lads have never had a present for their birthday from their auntys and uncles and I have never got for theirs.
However we all enjoy each others company when we meet up and their are no bad feelings!!

I make a huge deal about birthdays but only for the four of us!!