to think my parents need to sell up and move somewhere smaller

[lovemyalfa]

My DF has recently retired and has received a lump sum from his pension. On top of this he gets a really good income (he's been careful over the years) so my DPs are not struggling financially at all.
My DM is now trying to talk my DF into spending a lot of money on their house. It's a 4 bed detached house (the old family home) and it does need some updating but DM wants a conservatory, new kitchen, new bathroom, total redecoration. Total cost of this is £25k+ on a house that really isn't worth it. The money isn't the issue however, it is that my DM has a life-limiting illness that means her mobility (which is already slightly compromised) will only get worse. The house is not really adaptable for this and frankly seems just too big when there's just 2 of them living there. They don't get lots of visitors or anything so have no need of the 4 bedrooms.
My DF says he has always disliked the house despite living there for 27 years or so but my DM is adamant they're not moving. She reacted very badly to my suggestion that they sell up and buy a 2 bed bungalow, which might be more suitable for her ongoing needs.
I feel my DM is being incredibly selfish about this, by forcing my DF to stay in a property he doesn't like whilst spending a load of his pension money, just to have to move out in a couple of year's time when she can no longer get around.
AIBU to want to bang their heads together? My DM is not backwards at relying on her illness to manipulate people...

why do you call it his pension money?

As surely it is their pension money as so she has as much right as him to decide how it is to be spent

OP, I think you're right to be concerned about your mother's plans - and I say that as someone who's probably around the same age as your parents. Over the last few years we've had a lot of work done to our house, but it made sense to both of us to do that, and neither of us had health problems that would be exacerbated by that work.

It could be that your mother is in denial about her health problems and hasn't thought through the impact the work would have on her - lots of dust, no matter how careful the workmen are. And maybe she's focussing on the "after" without thinking about the "meanwhile" - including having workmen there at the crack of dawn for several weeks (or maybe more, if unexpected problems arise, which isn't unusual).

But your father shouldn't also have to go through all of that if he doesn't have the same emotional investment in the house. I'd suggest focussing on the downsides to doing all that work (with the consequent cleaning), and maybe get her thinking about what her ideal home would be. Maybe help her to do some of her own "property porn" searches on RightMove.

But please ditch the suggestion of moving to a two-bedroomed bungalow [shudder]. That, to me, would sound like moving from a palace to a garden shed - either would be good, but that would be too much of a transition.

[shudder] at the thought of all that building work. Do they have good friends who have had recent works done and can tell them just what a bloody nightmare it is having that amount of work going on around you?

How old are they?

You are wasting your time and emotional energy in getting involved in this. Leave them to it as they won't welcome your input imo, even though you seem to be thinking very practically in my view.

They are both adults and can be left to make their own decisions.

Your mother is right - why would she want to move away from her community and friendship base when she has a limiting illness. Why should she move way from her HOME and her memories?