Don's hard hat.. DH and I parent differently

[NeverKnowinglyUnderstood]

I KNOW he has equal right to parent our children.
I don't want to be wife from hell
but some of the things that he does drive me to distraction and I end up intervening and explaining to the kids what DH is asking of them he sees this as undermining him.

I find it almost impossible to sit back.

so... what are my options (aside from "leave the fucker" which is not going to happen cos he is ace and I love him)

So you don't accuse me of drip feeding, one example would be the boys playing on the wii, one does somehing that winds the other one up.. DH gets involved but doesn't get the response he wants, so he says the same thing again and again without an "acceptable response" so I intervene and explain what DH has asked.. "response!!"

Help DH is so cross (inwardly not aggressive or shouty or anything) But I have no idea where to go from here..

You need to let him get on with it sometimes, it's trial and error. He'll realise that he needs to say something else if his first command/request didn't work. You are undermining him, sorry.

Thats not parenting differently, thats your DH not getting his communication right.

Have you suggested how, when your on your own, both calm with no arguing kids around?

Is it that they aren't understanding what he's saying or that they aren't responding to the way he asks?

When it's driving you to distraction just pick up a book or go in the kitchen or something

And then have a word about it later (ie DH you are fab but if you ask them like this....)

I cant really understand what you mean. Do they not understand what he means ?
Can you give a word for word example ?

Schro that's what I was thinking

Do they understand him or not?

If they understand him then leave them alone.

If they don't understand then have a conversation away from kids

I'm not really getting it either. Do they not understand or do they just ignore him until you, the usual bad cop, so to speak, steps in?

Either way, he needs to find a way to get them to listen/mind. So, yes, you are undermining him and need to walk away.

My husband and I sometimes conflict this way and what we do is back off until our son is elsewhere and then discuss it. And agree how to handle it going forward.

errr my Dh was the same, treated the boys as little adults and used big words and long adult explanations that went on too long and got zero response. sometimes I would butt in and make them understand in a short sentence which made me a 'control freak' actually I probably am, but i did bite my lip and let him get on with it .... he soon learnt that sometimes NO or STOP was enough

Let him get on with it!

But who is Don??

My DH does it. Maybe it's a man thing. He uses terms which they won't have come across...but he doesn't mind when I explain,

DH does this too and it's annoying. However, I agree with others - learn to control yourself, or walk off and leave them to it (the former being preferable).

You need to sit down and discuss what you do agree on.

above all, you need to support each other in front of the kids. United front and all that!!!

thanks all..
I do need to walk away more. I find it so hard!!

it is that he will sit and say boys stop it (but wont say what "it" is) I said stop!!
Will you listen to me.. I said stop!!!! the kids will sometimes try stopping random things to see if they can work out what the "it" is and as they get it wrong and he continues they get upset/cross and it just escalates.
Today DS1 screamed I have stopped (but it was the wrong thing) and then got told off for screaming at his dad. (rightly so, he isn't allowed to do that) but in essence it wasn't his fault!.

We have talked and I have suggested that an alternative is DH physically going to them and saying Stop doing XYorZ because..... it is more likely that they will listen and it short circuits all the guess work and frustration of not being heard.

I on the other hand have promised to butt out more.

Yeah, then he definitely needs to be clearer and, you know, listen to the kids, as I hope they are saying 'stop what?!?' but not yelling!