Wibu... to tell his Mum?

[PignutSalamander]

My Dad has slipped in to a bit of a financial mess, I don't know the full extent of it but he has told me that he hasn't paid his mortgage for a while (No idea how long he hasn't paid but he has been paying it for nearly twenty years!)

He has been signed off work as he is suffering from depression after he and my Mum split, he has been receiving SSP from them but they are no longer paying him and haven't for at least 2 months, he is not at all clued up about benefits and just chooses to stick his head in the sand. I live 400 miles away (with a 6mo dc) and cannot readily accompany him as advocate to meetings with work and job center (though I am more than happy to come down and help in fact I am here and was supposed to be helping but he just keeps saying "yes we'll definitely do C.A.B / jobcentre / work right after this very important thing..." and I have to go on Wednesday.)

His Mum has already helped him out a bit ( no idea how much,) and would be more than willing and certainly very able to help him out as much as necessary but he is too embarrassed to ask her (understandably, but to the extent of driving 100 miles to see her to ask in person and then bottling it thus incurring further cost he can't afford.)

So Wibu to phone her and say something along the lines of " you didn't hear this from me but he's not doing so well and he's too embarrassed to ask for help"

and if I would be unreasonable what can I realistically do to help?

and if I'm not what do I say to her?

I guess you could giver her a head's up that he is in difficulties, you are all family after all, and have each other's best interests at heart, so it's not like you would be gossipping maliciously or anything.
At least if you mention it to her, she can decide what, if anything, she wants to do about it - he is still her "child" after all, no matter how old they both are, and you'll know you did what you could.
I don't think there's much else you can do, from a distance, with a small child, unless you win the lottery and have plenty of cash to give him

If he is no longer getting SSP from work he can apply for the government one. Its about £83 per week

I would give a heads up but not the full story.

Has he actually said he's too embarrassed to ask his mum for the money, or is that what you're making of it going on what he's said?

What kind of a relationship do you have with your dad? Are you close?

Do you think it took a lot for him to tell you? I'm just wondering whether you're thinking it must be bad because he's talking to you about it, a bit of a cry for help maybe.

My dad has depression and doesn't really say that much when things are getting bad, so if he does say something I know it must be really bad.

I personally wouldn't do it without his permission, I know you'd be doing it for the best reasons in the world, but you'd leave him feeling even more out of control.

Do you think he would automatically turn down an offer from you to ring his mum, even if he privately wanted you to? (ie do you think him telling you was a hint he wanted you to do it but he didn't want to be seen to be asking her directly?)

I would be massively pissed off if my adult children (and I have two) had the temerity to discuss my finances (actually sound) with my mother. And I'd be even more pissed off if my finances were dodgy.

Just saying.

He said that he was going to ask her but couldn't bring himself to, didn't elaborate.

We are close, we help each other out whenever possible. Definitely a cry for help, he's an ostrich but he knows this is serious. I won't hear from him for weeks if he's not feeling so great and he won't answer the phone or texts then when He does answer doesn't want to talk about himself no matter what I try to get him going on.

Fairly certain he would dismiss offer to call her and say he was going to do it. I don't think it was a hint he wanted me to do that, but he definitely wants and needs some help. The short term plan is make sure he doesn't lose his house, long term I need to help him sort out benefits.

I don't know anything about mortgages, how much slack are they likely to give him?

I know what you mean OldLady, but the OPs dad made the choice to let the OP in on how much he's struggling at the moment.

I just wonder whether that's significant.

There's no way I would discuss our cash flow situation with anyone, but that'd mean if I did then it'd mean I was in Big Trouble.

The dad could be indirectly doing a silent scream in the OPs direction?

OldLady even to the point of standing by and watching you lose the house you'd been paying into for so long, and if not that what?

Fwiw I agree, that's why I a) would ask her not to tell him i had spoken to her b) am sitting here at 0125 asking your advice instead of sleeping!

What you've said sounds familiar with the contact thing Pignut, it makes it difficult worrying about them because you know you can never know what's really going on.

I don't know specifically, but I would say banks want to help customers make repayments, they're not going to repossess his house on a couple/three months non-payment.

They will want to talk and sort out how it can get back to regular payments, 20 years is a long time to be somewhere, the last thing he needs is to be having to move.

Pignut, I'm sorry, I shouldn't really have posted as I have nothing more constructive to say. Ignore me.

I've always thought you know Very A Lot Of Things OldLady

Or even A Very Lot Of Things? That sounds a bit less Charlie and Lola

Gawd, I never thought I 'd been noticed!

I know some stuff. But not enough for this thread. So I'll bow out.

Sorry again, OP.

OldLady You're not wrong though I would be very unimpressed if my nearest and dearest called my mum to say she's in financial trouble can you help but I'm not so I can't be sure if I would also actually appreciate it being fixed for me.

In my head I have sort of equated in to when someone lets there housework get on top of them and a couple of you go round and help them gut the place, it must be mortifying and of course you're embarrassed for them as you unearth things they had forgotten about and would rather no one ever saw, but they have a huge weight visibly lifted off their shoulders and can carry themselves from there. Maybe?

Good analogy Pignut, nobody wants to feel like they're burdening other people with their troubles, or think people are talking about how the veneer of 'I can cope with life' might have slipped.

My mum and dad split four odd years ago and he's still feeling the effects as strongly as though they'd just happened last week.

Is thinking about his marriage breakdown still eclipsing mechanisms that would help him feel motivated to deal with his money situation?

Sorry to hear about you parents, I hope your dad starts to come to terms with it. If it helps my folks have been split for five years and my dad has just started seeing someone (he says it's not serious and he doesn't want it to be but it's still a big step) It must be hard thinking you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone and planning everything in and around that only to discover that unless you want to grow old alone you have to start all over again.

OK, so I'm still reading, and thank you for being kind to me. If your df really hasn't been paying the mortgage, and may be entitled to some sorts of benefits, could you sit him down with this website?

Although, again, I'm not sure how I would take it if my adult dc did that (or personal equivalent) with me. [not sure what facial signal is appropriate]

'It must be hard thinking you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone and planning everything in and around that only to discover that unless you want to grow old alone you have to start all over again. '

I don't think he'll ever get over the feeling of grief at what he's lost. He met a lovely other person a year ago, but what went on is still intruding into their lives.

The depression on top of something that floors others who don't have it is just insurmountable sometimes.

Debt line direct is a charity and they would be really worth a call, they will take your dad through stuff step by step and help him work through his finances and benefits. They also have loads of info and template letters on there website so he could look at this first.

I was quite happy with their 'hand holding' when I needed done help which is why I'm happy to recommend.

In answer to your question, I'd tell his mum about him not being good at the moment but I wouldn't divulge any details. I'd just point her in the direction.

Hope things work out in the end for your dad, I'm sue they will x

Surely before he asks for money for his mum, he needs to get any benefit he is entitled to and then think about asking his mum if still struggling?

Is it not possible for you to make an appointment with job centre/CAB first thing on Tues on his behalf - he can't put it off then can he?

Thinking of trying to communicate with any kind of benefit office is like preparing yourself to scale Everest Porridge.

Even if you're lucky enough to get the right forms for claiming the benefits you're entitled to, you need at least a masters degree to decipher WTF they're asking you to answer.

PorridgeBrain he has been to the jobcentre once and the way they treated him has made him wary of returning, they are often very unhelpful unless you can stick up for yourself or have someone that will stick up for you.

Also if I'm not around to continue it I don't think getting it started will change anything. Although it is a must he can't just have no income indefinitely but my immediate concern is that he has already defaulted on payments (for I don't know how long) so any action they may have started due to this needs halted asap.

CAB here do not let you make appts you have to turn up very early and queue.

Thanks for the website OldLady I'll try that.

Looking at debt line now.

I still feel just as unsure, your views reflect my own mixed feelings very accurately, having a quiet non-specific word may take the pressure off right now but would he be angry (but secretely grateful?) when / if he finds out, well at least I have a couple of avenues to explore with him.

Zigzag, I really hope your dad come through the blackness soon, it must be difficult for his new partner to feel the ghost of his previous relationship all the time.
I'd like to recommend this book living with a black dog

It is written for partners of depressed people to help them understand how they can help but it is equally useful for anyone who cares about someone who is suffering from depression. Also very good for explaining depression to children as it is a picture book.
She also does one aimed at people who are depressed and is an ideal bathroom book for people who won't talk.

Loving the image of the jobcentre et al as Everest Porridge, slowly glooping you in till it fills your mouth and you can't even answer / scream

"Are you pregnant"
"no"
"Are you blind"
"no"
"Are involved in any trade dispute"
"..."
Gloop

Correction i had a black dog is written by someone else, the similar covers and titles fooled me.