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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want exh to have access to dc?

27 replies

olympicblues · 26/08/2012 17:04

We have been divorced over five years. During that time he hasn't paid any maintanance and despite having no restriction on visiting has only come once or twice a year, I am always present and in a busy place.

There was a history of unreported EA and destroying house. I left as he went to slap me and did slap one of dc. He told dr he lost his temper and "my wife thought I was going to slap her" he did not tell dr he had slapped dc hard enough to leave a bruise.

Since i left , He is under a psychiatrist for serious depression and has been commited in the past for suicide attempts, apparently because I " didn't support him enough when I left"

He has a turbulent relationship with his fiance, very on/ off and she has contacted me to say he has been nasty and didn't understand how I could have left before but knows now he has problems.

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 17:05

So is he requesting access?

minikimmi · 26/08/2012 17:11

God, this sounds like my old life! My ex didn't see dd from the age of 8 until she was 16. Similar reasons, violence towards me and others and suspected against dd, mental illness, unstable relationships etc. I made the decision to keep him out of dd's life and he more or less made it easy for me, he never bothered getting in touch and I never received a penny in CS. I was happy with this, and although it wasn't ideal for her, dd was securer than she would have been had he been around. In the past few months he found her on a certain social networking site. She met up with him and it turns out he was treated for bi polar, has had quite a few years of turmoil but appears to be settling down. He has a job, flat and a steady partner of 2 years. DD seems happy, and it's now between the two of them, I am an outsider in that relationship and feel less pressure because of that. What age are your DCs? From my experience I would say YANBU at all.

kilmuir · 26/08/2012 17:13

How old are your children?
What do they want to do?
I understand your concerns

Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 17:19

Sorry thread posted twice and this one with only half my post Confused has reported the other one

rest of post was this

"His fiance is known to ss, some of her kids have been adopted but case is historic.

He has just got back in touch with his siblings who he hasn't spoken to in over ten years and I presume has fed them the same bull as he is now pushing with their support for more access on his terms, that is i take dc 2 hours on train, drop them off and return home 2 hour journey then back again and dc stay overnight. My dc have never met his family, he has a lot of money at the moment for solicitors and I don't.

I don't want his family near my dc as exh has told me about abuse in childhood, physical by parents, sexual by a sibling.

DC1 has told a teacher at school about daddy smashing house up when they were small.
Dc do not want to go anywhere without me with him.

So even though EA was not reported, all the other things are on record are surely enough to keep Dc safe aren't they? "

OP posts:
ComradeJing · 26/08/2012 17:35

Oh jesus OP it sounds horrible.

No advice for you - I've no idea what you can do but I hope you can prevent access.

BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 17:37

The courts will need proof.... Too many bitter ex partners out there making things up

DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 17:51

If he has history of MH issues which were violent you would be in good position to ask for supervised contact. Maintenance is not part of the issue (obvs crap he doesn't contribute to his DC' lives financially bit it is a side issue re access). Get legal advice now. You may not have money but DC are worth debt on this imo.

Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 17:52

Blackberry

There is proof ss were involved and her kids adopted
There is proof he is under a psychiatrist and on medication
There is proof he was commited under mental health act for suicide attempts
There is proof dc1 made a disclosure to school about fear of him and what he did.

Ive no idea if there is proof that he told dr he had gone to hit me, no idea if that would have gone on notes?

There is no proof of EA

OP posts:
Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 17:55

Sorry Xpost DoMedon

I am guessing suicide attempts (four) would be enough to ask for supervised?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 26/08/2012 17:55

I'm generally in favour of fathers having access but would want this one to go through the courts. He also is being unreasonable expecting you to drop off and pick up the kids. If he can't be bothered to at least make one of the trips (he should make both if he's the one who moved away) stuff him.

DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 17:56

You would be hard pushed to have proof of EA anyway, no? It's not something you can report easily or photograph like bruises. The rest is VERY relevant (although the fiancee thing may not be considered overly important sadly)

Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 17:56

Sorry I moved away initially, due to fear, he has now moved away though.
Usually we meet half way, no issue with this,
Now he wants over nights

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 17:57

I would think so - the lack of contact, despite having the option, will go against him. DC cannot be expected to suddenly uproot and stay with a man they fear. Courts act in best interest of DC.

BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 17:59

Proof to keep his extended family at bay? Because he sounds like he would need supervised contact. And he may out a family member forward to do it. Contact centres only have limited resources for short period of time

Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 18:00

Thankyou.

The dc do not really want to see him at all and I would rather not but I am happier to continue the meeting half way.

I just do not want him to have none supervised or overnight access :(

.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 18:01

Supervised by OP would be seem to be best way.

ReindeerBollocks · 26/08/2012 18:02

It depends how much of an influence the fiancee is in your ex's life. If they are intending to raise your children together when the DC are at his house, then her history will be relevant.

However, his MH issues, as long as he is complying with treatment, may not be relevant. Periods of depression and suicide attempts suggest that he struggles with his MH but this might not be classed as a reason to prevent him from seeing the children - but it could provide a reasonable request for you to ask that contact be supervised for the sake of both the DC and ex-P's MH.

Courts would be unimpressed with his efforts thus far though. But don't retailate by refusing access or being difficult as that won't reflect well on you. Go through the correct channels and see if you can get some legal advice asap.

ReindeerBollocks · 26/08/2012 18:02

x-posted with a fair few people there!

Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 18:02

xpost No Blackberry,

I know he has told psychiatrist about parent physical and sibling sexual but obviously I cannot ask for his medical records.

It would most likely be his younger sister who dd has never had any contact with at all.

Would a court really go from once/twice a year contact to overnights in one jump?

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 18:03

Op supervising contact when she moved away through fear?

BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 18:05

I got my ex medical records in a near identical situation and I also got zero contact. It can be done.Will be expensive though

ComradeJing · 26/08/2012 18:07

What about just refusing contact and making him go through the courts to get it?

Original poster
olympicblues · 26/08/2012 18:07

Reindeer when they are together they live together and would raise the dc together when dc are at there. They split up frequently though.

OP posts:
MsNobodyAgain · 26/08/2012 18:09

I'm in a similar situation at the moment. Get legal advice, and quick. It depends on your circumstances, whether there is a Court Order saying he has access, and a whole load of other issues.

DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 18:11

Make him go through court for more contact and stick to informal arrangement until then. Do not cut contact it will reflect badly on you
blackberry - it is what op does now. I would supervise my DC no mater how afraid I was.

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