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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

more a wwb reasonable as im irrationaly fuming mad with rage and tempted to be very unreasonable

21 replies

Socknickingpixie · 24/08/2012 21:11

right my 13yo autistic dc has every other fri evening contact with his dad. he collects between 4pm and 6pm and dc has at least 3 hours with him. this contact arangement is court ordered and was dads choice as dad felt he couldnt keep up with any more contact.he has no other type of contact. no phone calls letters nothing. again his choice.back story is some years ago he kept taking me to court in an attempt to prevent dc being dx and despite the court warning him he continued to keep bringing me to court over silly things he was eventually found to be being vextatious (think ive got the word right) he was given a significant telling off after admitting atempting to snatch dc and take him abroad several orders were issued as a result of his actions and he even said in court that i had done nothing wrong hadnt hindered him in any way the court was happy to not grant any contact order as it wasnt needed but i asked for him to be awarded one he could cope with as it was a good way for dc to understand his routine.and figured dad would be happyer with that.

if dad needs to change for any reason or wants extra time i allways say yes regardless of my plans,i never ever mess him about (i do get him to ask in writing either txt or letter so i can make sure there are no mix ups)

i have not got the dates mixed up or anything like that but hes just not shown up today ive tried all his numbers left messages and texted all his mobiles that i know he is using.all polite messages saying "what time are you coming xxx is waiting and looking forward to seeing you"

on one of these phone calls the phone was answered and i heard dad say" its just the cunt she will...." then phone put down. all the other calls went to answer machine.

its worked fairly well for 7 years but dad has got himself envolved with a gf with a huge drink problem,normally she is kept away from dc tho but this has happened about 6 times in the last year since dad has been with this gf.

he has never offered any reason for it befor and just refuses to converse with me other than hello/bye hows the weather type thing.any thing else is phone hang up or handed to gf who screams drunken abuse down the phone.

chances are he will not bother to do anything other than show up in 2 weeks.

but so far dc has cried and screamed for over an hour smashed up his room messed himself (and he was doing so well with this aspect) and is now akip in a heap on his bedroom floor.

i want to go to dads house and punch him but obviously i wouldnt.

so what would be reasonable

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 24/08/2012 21:14

Poor you. Yanbu.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 24/08/2012 21:17

I'd be fuming too, I'd have videoed poor DS to send the film to his Dad. Then I'd hire some large muscular unfriendly types to go round and hand deliver it sideways up his arse. :( Your poor son. It's not his fault, or yours, that his father is a grade A twat.

Socknickingpixie · 24/08/2012 21:32

tempting pom but would probally be concidered to be a crime Grin was thinking perhaps a letter or something but for the life of me cant think what to write

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 24/08/2012 21:35

I rather like PomBear's suggestion actually. Your poor DC :-(

Bobyan · 24/08/2012 21:37

I'm sorry but I can't see the benefit of any contact?
Forgive my ignorance but is there any real benefit for your DS?

Socknickingpixie · 24/08/2012 21:39

he enjoys the time he spends with his dad and looks forward to it.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 24/08/2012 21:41

That's just awful. ;( Your DS enjoys the time with his dad though? Or is he upset because it's an unexpected change to his routine?

suburbophobe · 24/08/2012 21:46

Personally, I would be very worried sending my child to a father who has an abusive alcoholic girlfriend in the mix.

Socknickingpixie · 24/08/2012 22:14

she is normally not there when dc is and if she is his older (adult) half brother is also there to make sure she behaves herself. shes not abusive to him at all only to me and about me.

he does enjoy the time and if i tried to prevent it,his dad would find some way to make it my fault.but i have covered every base afa any risk from her goes.

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 24/08/2012 22:17

any ideas on what i could write? i would prefer to avoid solisiters as dad is intimidated by them (well any acting for me)

OP posts:
LucieMay · 24/08/2012 22:24

What a shame for your poor ds, reading that paragraph about the effect it has on him made me so sad. Please weigh up whether the benefits of him keeping contact with his dad are worth it when him being let down affects him so profoundly. I'd be tempted to give him one more change then cut him off for good, for your ds's sake.

Socknickingpixie · 25/08/2012 12:03

the thing is dad knows very well that dc cannot comunicate any thing negative to him at all its something he struggles with.

so any attempts by me to say "no more" will be viewed by dad as me being a nasty cow acting without reason and dc will not be able to engage with any explanation.

if i hadnt already washed the clothes i would have posted them in his letter box for him to deal with

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 25/08/2012 13:10

Why not go along with the first half of Pmbears idea, about filming your DS. I know you may feel awful doing it, and it may ot be practical, but perhaps if your ex sees the impact that this has on your DS then he might think more carefully next time, and it may also stand you in good stead if need evidence in court at a future date. (I probably would ignore the bit about where to insert the recording, although I'm sure I would be very tempted Grin)

Socknickingpixie · 25/08/2012 13:13

thats actually brilliant

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Dawndonna · 25/08/2012 13:22

I'd go with Ithink although Pombear's idea is a fine one.

mummyofmystery · 25/08/2012 13:26

I think the videoing is a good idea as well, so that he can see what the impact of his messing DS about it.

mummyofmystery · 25/08/2012 13:26

poor DS and you btw

orchidee · 25/08/2012 13:30

Do you have a GP, SW, teacher or other professional person that you could discuss this with?

I'm another for whom it sounds like the access arrangements are no longer in your son's best interests. Something needs to change, and a professional's opinion and support may make the decision easier for you all.

TraineeBabyCatcher · 25/08/2012 13:32

I agree, I thinking videoing it could actually be a helpful step. Has he every seen how he makes his son feel if something is messed up with his routine?

Socknickingpixie · 25/08/2012 17:39

i dont have a SW, the school dc attends has a policy of not getting involved with this sort of thing.

i dont even know where his parents live or how to contact them.he wont talk to my parents and all the doc will do is sigh and say something along the lines of "its not a cp issue i cant much help and anyways you doing perfectly ok by yourself"

ive put a note through his door saing "i hope you are ok as i can think of no reasonable reason for not showing despite saying you would other than near death experance. i will no longer be making dc availible for contact unless i am given at least 6 hours notice of your intention to turn up so meltdowns are avoided.
also be aware should it happen again i will return to court to get order lifted

OP posts:
orchidee · 27/08/2012 13:34

How's your son been over the weekend? Have you had any response to your note yet?

I think you've done the right thing by not just ignoring it and carrying on as normal.

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