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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My poor MIL IABU

17 replies

addictedtotoast · 24/08/2012 20:20

My MIL is perfect. She does not interfere, she compliments me all the time on my parenting and she is always on hand to babysit.

However, I can't forgive her for making me me feel guilty for not going back to work. When my DD was born she decided that she was going to look after her while I went back to work. She even somehow found me a job when my DD was three months old..... When I told her I was going to stay at home I was made to feel so so guilty. Both my PIL thought I was putting my DH under too much pressure to be the bread winner.

Skip forward a year, I am still at home and after an extremely stern word from my DH, my MIL has backed off and she is now nothing but supportive of my choices.

But I still haven't forgiven her and I know that I am being unreasonable. My DH and MIL do not know how I feel they think everything is fine.

So mumsnetters, give it to me honestly, give me some perspective to stop me being unreasonable......

OP posts:

Kayano · 24/08/2012 20:23

I think a word was had, she's backed off now and just forget it tbh

Salmotrutta · 24/08/2012 20:24

Put it behind you and move on. Seriously.

She is now supportive and appears to be good person.

Maybe she was just worried that your DH would feel pressure - not her business obviously, but she is his Mum so understandable..

Lonelylou · 24/08/2012 20:25

She sounds like a friend's MIL who unreasonably thought her boy was having to do all the work (earn all the money) to hold the whole family together. She seemed to forget that homemaking and child rearing are just as important and anyway if the couple have agreed on their roles what business is it of hers?

twooter · 24/08/2012 20:27

Or was she being selfish wanting her dgd all to herself??

Original poster

addictedtotoast · 24/08/2012 20:31

I think this is why I am still upset twooter. I feel that because she always wanted a DD she decided she was going to look after mine. The others are right though I need to get over this..

OP posts:

emsyj · 24/08/2012 20:32

Are you sure she wasn't just disappointed at not being able to 'play mum' whilst you were at work? My MIL has DD for a day every week and I am not working at the moment (although I am going back in a few weeks) - she loves it. Would you be able to chat to your MIL about this and ask if she was sad not to be looking after DD more often? You might get yourself a regular break out of it too. I love Fridays, had lunch out with some friends and got my nails done today .

kinkyfuckery · 24/08/2012 20:33

Noone else can make you feel guilt, you feel that yourself.

emsyj · 24/08/2012 20:33

Cross posts.... If you like her and she's a nice lady, would you not let her take DD for a few hours/afternoon/day each week/fortnight?

chickenwingsmmmm · 24/08/2012 20:34

Everyone makes mistakes. She has accepted this and backed off. It really is time to let it go.
shr probably was excited about having her dgd. Lists of gps are. She was probably a bit disappointed. But she has stopped

JustFabulous · 24/08/2012 20:34

I am quite envious that words have been had. I wish I could give my MIL a few words.

Please, for your own sake, let it go. She sounds like she knows she went too far, though she probably thought she was helping, but has made amends now.

Original poster

addictedtotoast · 24/08/2012 20:40

I don' think that is true Kinkyfuckery. My PIL actually turned up at my home when DH was at work to tell me how miserable they thought he was.... It never occured to me that I was being selfish by being a SAHM untill they suggested it.

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 24/08/2012 20:43

That's how I read it too twooter, although my interpretation is probably biased as that would be my own MIL's motivation behind such a thing.

MamaBear17 · 24/08/2012 21:00

My MIL is also lovely, but when she interferes with DD I react in a much more hostile way than I do when my own mum interferes. I know this sounds crazy but I feel like she wants to be my DD's mum and I hate it. My MIL is quite an opinionated person and gives her opinions freely. She really wants to be involved in everything to do with my dd and I feel like it is a bit much. Having said that, I my mum can, at times, be just as opinionated but that doesn't bother me as much. I have no idea why I feel like this. I have to work hard not to let my issues affect our relationship because my MIL is a lovely grandma and my dd is my PFB. I think you are right, you need to get past your issue with your MIL and try and get on with things. Sorry, not helpful but just thought I would let you know you are not alone!!

NanaNina · 24/08/2012 21:02

I am a MIL and I wouldn't have made any such assumption. Actually it's the opposite with me, 2 of my gr chrn have been in day care since they were young, and I wish my son or dil would go part time as I don't agree with day care from such a young age. In fact I am absolutely convinced that a child under 3 needs 1 - 1 care to enable them to fulfil their potential in life. Never again will a child learn so much as he will in the first 3 years of life and these years lay the foundation for the child's future.

I have of course mentioned this to my son, or suggested to him that a CM is better than a day nursery but they don't want this, so I have backed off. I know that these days 2 salaries are needed.

I think OP you should really put this behind you and I think you know that yourself. Holding grudges is not good for the "grudge holder" because it sort of eats away at you and the longer it goes on it "solidifies"

I was holding a grudge against someone and decided one new years eve that it was time to let it go and she was so surprised when I started being nice to her again and I felt so much better about myself. I never told her why I had been holding a grudge, but she knew, and maybe she did know why, I don't know, but it had gone on for many years, and I felt "emotionally free" when I let it go.

TidyDancer · 24/08/2012 21:05

Gosh yes, you definitely do need to let it go.

She sounds like a lovely woman who just went a bit off track with this one incident. It would be really tragic if you couldn't get past this.

WhateverGurrl · 24/08/2012 22:48

No mum, who can afford reasonably, to stay at home, should be put under any pressure to work. The man should always be the main breadwinner in a situation where his wife/partner has given birth to his child and wants to stay at home. The baby needs it's mother and its a man's duty to provide for them both if he can. That is my opinion and fcuk anyone who doesn't like it I'm afraid. Your mum in law was very very wrong to do this to you OP, however don't take it personally and I'm sure you will get past this. It's the way she sees things, but it is not her business whether you stay at home or go out to work. It never fails to make my blood simmer slightly when the parents of a man aren't happy about him being the main breadwinner

NanaNina · 25/08/2012 15:11

Well I disagree with you WG and what an outdated notion, that it should always be the man who works and the woman stays at home. Babies need their mother and father, and whoever is most suited to child rearing should be the one to stay home or work part time. In my family the mother of the children is a career woman and on her own admission would hate being a SAHM. My son also likes his job but he is much more suited to child rearing. I just wish he would go part time so that the children aren't always in day care.

Makes me wonder why I fought for women's liberation in the 70s and 80s along with thousands of other women.......and fought to break down these stereotypes on the basis of gender, when they are alive and well 40 years on!

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