Im not sure that either of us is being unreasonable but I would appreciate some advice on how to solve this issue please

[MammyToMany]

My ds is 10 and going into year six at junior school so we are looking at his options for senior school.

He has a specific learning difficulty - dyslexia, but no statement. He has one to one teaching and does some small group work.

His father and I are divorced and have 50/50 residency although this is unofficial there are no court orders. I get child benefit and child tax credit.

We live in different catchment areas, but are only 10 minutes or a short bus journey apart.

The problem is we have different ideas of what is important in a secondary school. ExH wants him to go to school A partly because this is where he went and where ds's cousins go. He has told/convinced ds that this is where he is going to go and ds is set on it now. We haven't even looked round the school or any other school as yet.

I want to look at 4 schools, one of them being school A. The other schools include one which has a specialist department for learning difficulties which I think is important. I have nothing against school A as such but feel steamrollered as exH has taken it upon himself to contact the education authority and get the forms. He wants to use his address and say that ds lives with him.

I just want us to look at schools together and make a joint decision. I feel that my address should be on the forms as this is officially where ds lives. He is planning to go behind my back and take over.

Oh, we are under different councils and education authorities too.

What can I do?

You will
Have to provide proof of where your ds lives - child benefit is normally the main accepted proof of this so it is very unlikely he would get in just by saying he lives with your ex

I think your ex is being unreasonable to thnk ds would be best going to the same school he went to, things will have changed alot so he can't judge the school bassed on his own education there.

Have you looked into getting your DS's dyslexia made official? It really does help, I am dyslexic and you get given extra time in exams (when i went to uni you got a free pc and all your books free) but only if you had the official statement. I would actually say that for me the special needs group at school was really really bad, there were kids who had behaviour problems mixed with kids who had learning differences and it relaly wasn't the best learning enviroment especially for those that struggle with aspects of traditional classroom enviroments. I changed school to a very small school, there they had no sets, just one class, I ended up with a b and c in english lit/lang with no extra help.

The way they decide if you have dyslexia is by comparing your english reading/spelling and organisational skills against your other skills, maths/problem solving, my results showed I was dyslexic because my reading/spelling was considerably worse than my other skills, allthough still within the normal range for my age. It may be the case that your son would cope fine with a school without a special learning support department or he may really need it.

good luck! :)

As jojane says, if you're the recipient of the child benefit, then you will be the main address for where your DS lives, so your exH shouldn't be able to get away with what he's suggesting.

If he genuinely wants to do the best for your DS then he should at least give the other schools a chance - especially the one with the specialist dept. Is he that unreasonable that he would be dishonest just to get your DS into his old school? that sounds ridiculous on his part.

All in all I don't think he can do what he wants to do without being pretty dishonest about it - and if he is, you can "shop" him - although I realise that would rather sour relations between you!

I've never had to provide proof of where my sons live. If he does anything without your say so I would just ring them and tell them the situation

We have been doing the 50/50 thing for 6 years now and never had a problem so I don't really want to start a huge fall out. He is very stubborn and won't be doing it to be malicious but because he truly believes its the best thing for ds (it may well be, I would just like to play a part in finding that out myself!) I overheard his niece telling people that they were going to 'use nannys address so xxx goes to school A' I have no issue with reporting them if they try too she is a governor at school A

The school he is at now won't push for a statement, they say there is no funding and they (whomever they are!) don't like to diagnose dyslexia anymore. However, if ds goes to a school under my education authority he could be assessed again etc.

The school he is at now won't push for a statement, they say there is no funding and they (whomever they are!) don't like to diagnose dyslexia anymore. However, if ds goes to a school under my education authority he could be assessed again etc.

That is such a rubbish attitude (the school not you)! they dont like to diagnose dyslexia.. but they are happy to teach him as if he is dyslexic! have they decided they are an educational psychologist now? I really really would not put up with that, just because they dont get any funding it means your son has to miss out on a greater understanding of his learning style. There are practical things you can do, like coloured glasses or overlays to make reading easier, I hope he gets treated better in his new school whichever one it may be.

I had this problem with my ex (though think yourself lucky - my ex convinced my kids they'd be over the moon to be at boarding school, and took them to these 'exciting schools' during his access times...) and it is not on. yy he felt strongly - but so did I! and that's not the point - it should be a joint decision.

my dd is also dyslexic and, eventually, dd got to go to the revolting private boarding school after years of state schools ie I got my way and she had a rough time there. Traditional academic schools just don't cater for someone with dyslexia ie they just aren't geared that way, wedded as they are to traditional methods. that's my opinion anyway and I'm sticking to it: I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt but imo they were pants.

You may not want to start a rumpus but imo this is important. You have leverage because ds's main residence is at yours. Do your research, insist ex accompanies you but, even if he doesn't, make it clear that your decision hasn't been made. Keep it all low key but firm.

It is low to manipulate the situation by going over your head and seducing ds with ideas that ex's school is the best choice.

btw the primary school also dragged their feet about getting dd statemented, insisting this or that (basically, they didn't want to pay for it). We paid for her to see an ed psych when she was 8 and it was the best thing we did. She went to a dyslexia school 3 evenings a week and made huge progress; the main one being that all the kids there were cool kids and the stigma of being dyslexic vanished.