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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed/ hurt by my mum?

18 replies

MiggleMoo · 23/08/2012 16:43

We have a close family and i am the youngest of 4 children by quite a bit. all my siblings have children (9 between them) and i have a beautiful ds.

about 3 mths back i found out I was pregnant which we were delighted about. told my parents who were pleased but didn't seem ecstatic (I could live with that). then we miscarried at 6 weeks. Rang them to tell them, they were busy at the time and said they would ring back later, they didn't. well that week I was in agony, in and out the hospital with huge blood loss and a state. My Mum has been going through a tough time at work with restructures, redundancies etc and in that week rang me twice to discuss her job situation and wanted my advice but didn't ask me once how I was or what was going on. they even let me down at the very last minute when I had a hospital appointment and they were supposed to be loking after my son, so I had to take him into the EPU with me which wasn't fun (again I can live with that). I was gobsmacked at the lack of contact or care though, but thought she had a lot on her plate and left it. a week later i did say to her and my dad I was hurt but their lack of empathy.

I am now pregnant again. On tuesday I rang my parents to tell them. Told my Dad, but mum was too busy at the time to talk to me so Dad told her. I at least expected a call from my mum to say congratulations and wanted to talk to her about how scared i am of losing it again. but I've had nothing. Rang my Dad and made sure he had told mum and said I was sad she hadn't rang me and he just said she had been busy at work.

My family aren't a family who struggle to talk about things, my mum and dad are very open and says what they think regardless - so I know that isn't the problem, I just feel that they don't care.

I do alot for my family, helping them out, sorting out issues, always being the one who calms arguements and supports people. I am saddened at feeling so alone in this now. I know Mum (and Dad for that matter!) are busy and have other things going on, I also know they have lots of grandchildren so maybe this doesn't mean very much to them, but AIBU to feel sad about this. Can't work out if I am being overly hormonal or they are genuinely being insensitive.

Should I talk to them about it?

OP posts:

gothicangel · 23/08/2012 16:49

I think you have every right to be upset,

hugs xxx

good luck with your pregnacy

Bingdweller · 23/08/2012 16:52

I feel really sorry for you at their lack of interest in your well being. Could it be that with ?10 grandchildren already the shine has worn off a bit? Inexcusable though regardless, each grandchild should be welcomed with the same enthusiasm as the first.

YANBU

Original poster

MiggleMoo · 23/08/2012 17:02

Thats what I wonder Bingdweller, but that does make me sad for my children who were always going to be the last grandchildren as I am so 6 years younger than my next sibling, I don't want them missing out on grandparents. And it makes me sad for me (selfish I know) but shouldn't I have my mother with me, shouldn't my parents be excited as well with us.

OP posts:

MamaMumra · 23/08/2012 17:04

Sorry to hear that miggle
I'd be upset too - good luck with your pregnancy. Yanbu.

LindyHemming · 23/08/2012 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

signet · 23/08/2012 17:08

So sad for you. I don't think the shine wearing off having grandchildren is a valid excuse. You are still their daughter and should be able to share your concerns with them. Don't know what to say other than I'm sad for you and think you're not being unreasonable to expect support. Your parents should be excited for you and it isn't selfish to want that at all. Have you tried talking to one of your siblings instead?

Original poster

MiggleMoo · 23/08/2012 17:08

Thanks Euphemia I'd like to believe that but my mum is someone who talks about everything, normally in too much detail!
I am between 6-8 weeks (dating scan next week).

OP posts:

muxi · 23/08/2012 17:09

Perhaps your mother was upset by your miscarriage herself and didn't know how to talk about it. She will now be scared for you again. It's her way of dealing with it.

Congratulations.

JeezyPeeps · 23/08/2012 17:12

I'm sorry they haven't been there for you, but it sounds like your mum might be under a lot of pressure at the moment. It doesn't make it ok, but I have been on thd receiving end of a lot of stress at work and it can come to the point where it's really hard to focus on anything else.

Maybe she is more stressed than they are telling you.

In the meantime, huge congratulations, and good wishes for your pregnancy.

ovenchips · 23/08/2012 17:12

I don't blame you for being disappointed. Sounds like you have the role in the family of being the support for others. This is a time when those roles hurt.

Miscarriages are a truly awful thing to go through but the general experience seems to be people around you don't necessarily get that. Also second and subsequent pregnancies barely seem to register in the excitement stakes with others, especially compared to first ones. I've had experience of both and it's crap.

If I were you I would try to let it go - you've told your parents how you feel and you can't really do any more than that tbh. If you can, let it go and move on and enjoy your pregnancy. Congrats!

BartletForTeamGB · 23/08/2012 17:16

Sounds familiar. When I phoned my mother to tell her that our baby (that we knew was going to die prior to term) had died, she said she couldn't chat because she was having coffee in Costa. I called her last week to say we were expecting again - not heard anything since.

I deal with it by keeping our relationship on a superficial level and get my emotional support from close friends.

Original poster

MiggleMoo · 23/08/2012 17:18

thanks all.
Overchips I think you are right, I think I just need to focus on my family and our upcoming pregnancy, the door will always be open for mum and dad to share the excitement and journey but if they don't want to, I can't force them. And I love my parents, I really don't want to row with them.

My MIL is wonderfully supportive in contrast and very excited. We've only told our parents so far. Want to get past the first 12 weeks - just in case...

OP posts:

thecatsminion · 23/08/2012 17:27

I don't think your Mum's work situation is much of an excuse tbh, and I don't buy this "It's her way of coping". You're the one who is pregnant, you're the one who miscarried - not your Mum.

Is it also possible that, if you're the youngest, you having a family is making your Mum feel old? Not that that's an excuse.

I would focus on your pregnancy and doing stuff with your MIL, and don't worry about keeping your parents updated if their lack of interest is going to be upsetting. And if she calls and wants to discuss her job, just say you're having terrible morning sickness and can't talk. It should all be a bit of a kick up the bum to her.

Original poster

MiggleMoo · 23/08/2012 18:13

Thanks catsminion, I just hope things calm down for mum and dad soon and they can get on board with it all. If not I am lucky my MIL only lives 2 mins from us and we see all the time.

OP posts:

iggi777 · 24/08/2012 11:06

I have a close relationship with my mum. However she was absolutely crap when I had miscarriages. She just couldn't relate to it at all. She's over the moon now I've subsequently had my baby, but I do still feel hurt that she couldn't be there more for me when I needed her.

pumpkinsweetie · 24/08/2012 11:13

Yanbu at all, mums are there to comfort their children and in this case she didn't.
She should have supported you and phoned you back -there is no excuse for her behaviour during a time inwhich you needed her.
Have a chat with her about it, she may not realise she has hurt you but she needs to know you need her in times of hardship

charlottehere · 24/08/2012 11:13

Oh poor you, that really is horrible. Good luck with your preganancy. and stuff 'em easy said than done. On a serious note, prehaps you need to shift your thinking by never expecting anything from them, even thoug it is very hurtful, they should care!

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 11:27

I have had two miscarriages that my mum knows about. At the time I felt that she was...not unsupportive exactly, but very emotionally detatched. She didn't seem to want to talk about it so we didn't. She also seemed underwhelmed when I fell pregnant with DS, she was happy, but again I didn't feel like she 'got' the significance of it. She was brilliant when I had a massive bleed at 10 weeks and thought I'd lost him, which turned out to be a subchorionic haematoma.

Then about a year ago, by way of solidarity with s friend experiencing a loss, I popped a pic on Facebook of two candles acknowledging those losses. Mum rang me sobbing (she's not a crier) to say how much she misses those babies and that we couldn't welcome them into our family.

The whole time, she was just trying to be stoic so as not to saddle me with her grief as well as my own. I had a further chemical pregnancy that I hadn't told her about - I'm actually glad now not to have upset her even more.

Maybe your mum is struggling with her grief in a similar way? You never know, maybe she has had losses that you don't know of and is fighting some old demons. Would it help to talk to her? Maybe take her for coffee and tell her that you're hurt by how she's treating you.

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