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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a total failure?

26 replies

SoleSource · 23/08/2012 14:58

No degree, no job, no marriage, no savings, no mortgage. One severly disabled child I adore and am lucky to hold butgetting too old to have anymore children which I naturally crave, no man in my life.

I am 38.

Just watching Escape to the Country, couple spendibg £1,000,000 on a new home. They seem so lucky. Darn it.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2012 15:04

Sorry :(
Can you pick one thing you could change (either because its most important or because its easiest to change) and make specific plans to do it. Then look at the positives of the rest?
Am attempting to be constructive rather than patronising, slap me if I fail in that :)

cheekypickle · 23/08/2012 15:04

If it helps you always seem so together on here an have given me personally some very good advice

NameChangeGalore · 23/08/2012 15:05

Why are you a failure? I bet your child doesn't think you're a failure. Buying a £1 million house doesnt mean you're successful in every aspect of life, it just means you're rich.

StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2012 15:06

And I do agree with the others that you're not a failure in the slightest - but if you want to make changes then you should explore the options.

Losingitall · 23/08/2012 15:07

If it helps (it helps me to think this way) it won't matter to me on my deathbed what house I lived in or what car I drive. What I will want as my last thought is how much I loved my kids and how much they loved me.

Things aren't important people are.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 23/08/2012 15:07

YABU.

I bet you are awesome Smile

StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2012 15:08

What do you have going for you OP? You mentioned your child, I need 2 more!

Original poster
SoleSource · 23/08/2012 15:10

I am friendly, honest and law abiding :)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2012 15:11

You're not too old to have more kids. I had DD at 38. I know plenty of people having them in their 40s. Regardless of that, you are looking after your disabled child. If you weren't, we would be paying 1000s of pounds a week for less good care than you provide. Your child thanks you and so do I.

honeytea · 23/08/2012 15:11

Million pound houses don't make you happy.

Your 38 not 88, there is loads of time to get a degree, job, relationship, even more kids if you want.

To your child your the best mum in the world.

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:15

He's probably cheating with his secretary.

greenhill · 23/08/2012 15:21

You are never too old to be who you want to be... Mary Wesley, writer of Camomile Lawn etc was a late starter and made a ton of money only when she was quite elderly. She'd had a colourful but not exactly happy life but died successful and recognised after years of poverty and bad luck.

That couple on Escape were just rich, lucky them, but they also wanted to be on the tv and get free advice or publicity for themselves.

There will be no one that loves you as much as your child loves you, that is priceless. I suspect there are more positives it's just that time in the afternoon when you are getting a sugar dip... Have you got any chocolate in the fridge?

suburbandream · 23/08/2012 15:22

There will always be people out there who are richer than you, but remember there are also a hell of a lot who are poorer (financially and otherwise). Try to accentuate the positive. As for the degree/job, I always think of the Sunscreen song when I am bemoaning my lack of career "Don?t feel guilty if you don?t know what you want to do with your
life?the most interesting people I know didn?t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don?t. "

Want2bSupermum · 23/08/2012 15:22

You do have a job. Caring for a disabled child is more than a full time job. Would getting a degree give you a sense of fulfillment? If so take a look at OU and local schools. When you feel better about yourself you will attract attention from a good man.

FWIW - When people are buying a house it is the bank buying, not them. Pisses me off when people boast about buying a house for a huge price. Most of the time the deposit is from family or the mortgage is 97% of the house price.

charlottehere · 23/08/2012 15:25

Escape to the country, meh. Always have huge budgets to gloat about that make us mere mortals feel rubbish!

picnicbasketcase · 23/08/2012 15:27

Don't watch property shows. It annoys the crap out of me that they always seem to be helping people with £1m to find a house in Cornwall. That cannot be that hard for the buyers to do. I don't remember ever seeing one where they need to find a normal family house in a poorer area for £95K.

Original poster
SoleSource · 23/08/2012 15:29

Thank you all. Feeling better.

OP posts:
Alameda · 23/08/2012 15:34

I saw the house I grew up in on Escape to the Country the other day! (it looked like a museum, not even a very nice one) And my brother's house!

and I agree with the previous posters, there is still so much to look forward to - I'm 41 and always making plans (does it matter if they rarely amount to much?) and like you, lucky to not have a husband to scupper them (although I do have one technically he doesn't count as separated for about 20 years)

MumPotNoodle · 23/08/2012 15:36

Sole, I totally get where you are coming from, feel pretty hopeless, hapless and helpless mysef at the momet.

Margerykemp · 23/08/2012 15:40

Don't watch property porn. Or daytime tv or read trashy mags. They are all designed to make you feel bad about yourself.

Do you have friends? Do you get out of the house? Do you get respite? If your DC is at school could you do a uni course then?

ElephantsOlympianParty · 23/08/2012 15:42

If it helps, you're not the only one feeling like a failure just now. Ok, so I have a degree and a job but the degree's not useful and my job is boring me to tears just now (literally, I cried during my appraisel recently!). I don't own a house, don't drive, and though am in my 30s I haven't every really had a "proper" relationship. I have, however, wasted 8 years of my life with someone who abuses me on a regular basis, who I love dearly and I can't let go of.

I would love children, but for various reasons will never have any (yes, I know I'm young enough but I have problems). I was abused when younger and have huge trust issues, and really can't see myself having a relationship with a bloke ever. I've had counselling for the last 18 months and things are no better.

So, you're not alone.

greenhill · 23/08/2012 15:44

mumpotnoodle but you have a lovely, alliterative turn of phrase, so are intelligent and witty. Even if you don't feel like it at the moment.

PetWoman · 23/08/2012 15:52

Have you got good friends? Or some way of making friends, if not? What about wider family? As a previous poster said, ultimately it's people that matter. So if you have people to cherish (and you already have one - your beloved DC) then your life is worthwhile. Even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Crinkle77 · 23/08/2012 15:54

Those people on that programme are probably mortgaging themselves up to the hilt and if anything were to go wrong such as redundancy thenwould struggle to pay it.

Shellywelly1973 · 23/08/2012 16:08

Op, i get you. I have 5dc&1 has SN,1visually impared.

I hate,hate,hate pity!!!

Im naturally a realist but you know what? My ds with SN taught me loads... If i feel 'poor me,this so hard' I think'Yeah its hard but im lucky, because of blah blah blah'

You know as much as i do,with a disabled child,you very often cant control whathappens only how you deal with it!

Take care of yourself,its shit some days but tomorrow will probably be better.

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