to tell my DD to see her mum less?

[niceguy2]

Situation is this. DD is nearly 16, DS is 11. Both have lived with me for the last 10 years, six of which have been about 100 miles from their mum. Contact has been pretty much alternate weekends and some school holidays.

For the last 2-3 years DD has dreaded going up for half the summer holidays. Usually because she doesn't get on with her mum that well but this time she says it has been ok so far. But her reluctance now is because she says it's too long to be away from home and her friends/BF and us. To make matters worse, some of the time their mum goes to work in the mornings and doesn't return until nearly 7pm. So kids are sat at home bored since they don't know anyone and she lives in the middle of nowhere so they can't even pop out to the shops.

So AIBU to tell DD that she doesn't have to go for long stints but she should continue with alternate weekends? Don't get me wrong, I want her to maintain contact with her mum but having seen how upset she is and how desperately unhappy she is that I don't see the value of sending her at her age if she doesn't want to go. Surely it's better to send a happy child for an alternate weekend than an upset child for week(s)?

What makes matters worse is that their mum seems to be utterly incapable of maintaining any relationship with anyone. Any friends she makes never seem to last. And not one of her own family speak to her anymore, not even her own father. DD was sobbing last night because her auntie has told their mum she doesn't want to see any of them anymore due to 'differences in opinion' and DD is inconsolable that she won't see her cousins anymore and never got to say goodbye.

So DD is also feeling very guilty that by saying she doesn't want to go up as much anymore that her mum will have no-one. What really pissed me off is that apparently mum keeps telling the kids that they need to make her happy because she has no-one else. AIBU to think that the kids are not responsible for her happiness, she is!?!?! I'm happy when my kids are happy.

My stance so far has been to give DD my support but that the decision is ultimately hers. But she's also quite afraid of her mum's temper as well as desperate not to upset her and leave her 'all alone'. Do I continue to take a back seat and let things unravel or tell mum how DD really feels?

If you've made it this far then I thank you! I never meant it to be a saga.

There is a difference between staying at your mums when she is out at work and when she has taken AL.

Your daughter does not owe her mum, she is not responsible for her. Others happiness, but she should be polite.

It would seem that a better solution might be for your daughter to visit alternate weekends and for an extended holiday when her mum takes AL. Another option may be extended weekends if her mums job allows her to take single days of AL and tack them onto days off.

As for her cousins, are they not on Facebook? Could you aproach her Aunt?

.Others happiness should read mothers happiness

As your DD is 16 I would think it was up to her to make her decisions and for you to back her up. What does your DS say? Would he be OK going to stay with his mum without his sister? That might be the trickier thing to handle.

I think saying that DD wants to be with her friends in the long holiday is completely understandable, is there any way their mother could pop over for the odd day with them?

So in essence yes tell their mum what the situation is, if your DD is nervous of doing it then this is just supporting her not having a go at your ex (guessing she's your ex thought you don't say that so apols if wrong). But maybe have a few options up your sleeve so she doesn't feel rejected and then lash out.

Good luck!

She is nearly 16, she is more than capable of making her own choices IMO. My only worry would be who would be taking care of your DS when he goes and she is out working until 7.

I wouldn't send them, especially as they are left alone all day
She's old enough to make the decision.

YABU to have posted this in AIBU - I would have chosen Steps or Lone parents but I understand you'd want to get a lot of opinions.

YANBU to want to let your DD have a choice. What a sad situation for her to be in - she shouldn't be made to feel ''responsible'' for her mum's happiness.

I've been a Step for nearly 8 years now. I have 2 DSDs, (12 & 10) the oldest resides with DH and I.

I always thought by the time both girls have reached a certain age (15-16) that contact would be dictated by their lives and choices -that they would move freely between both houses IYSWIM

How's your relationship with your Ex- could you have a chat with her about this?

yanbu, it must be boring for them if mum is at work for most of their stay.

Thanks for replies so far. What I've found out so far is that at the start of their visit DD spent a few days with her auntie (before the letter) and my ex left DS at home on his own all day and went to work. As far as I know it was for one day but that has pissed me off no end. I know I sometimes leave DS on his own for an hour, maybe two but we know all the neighbours and I always make sure someone is in, in case he needs help. Ex lives in the middle of nowhere. Literally. So to be left alone the entire day is simply out of order.

The issue is that DD knows what she wants but is scared of broaching the subject with her mum because of a mixture of fear and of upsetting mum. So I guess the question is do I help bring the subject up and take the bullet when mum inevitably blows up or do I tell DD that she must since she's old enough and it's more effective coming from her since she's nearly an adult.

In short, is this a battle I fight for her or should she?

Thers no reason why you DCs cant stay in touch with their aunt and cousins. Are they Worried it will upset their mum?

TBH I would broach the subject but tell DD she has to speak to her mum also.

It's not on to leave DS on his own all day ! I'd be very too .
DSD12 will let herself in after school but 2 neighboors are around ( and have spare keys if she's stuck) at that time and I'm in an hour after her.

It's a tough call - if you take the bullet for her you could be accused of manipulating the situation in your favour. OTOH if you DD is scared to approach this with your Ex, it leaves you little choice. You might have to help her with this.

How does DS feels about going there ?

YANBU - maybe both talk to your EX wife about it so that she knows it's a decision made by your daughter and not just you.

Or could your ex wife come down to see the kids at your house?

I think at 16 she'll be very much aware that she doesn't have to spend half of the summer holidays with her Mum anymore.

However, she may not be aware of how much support you're willing to offer her so it might be an idea to reinforce that...let her know that if it causes trouble with her Mum, you'll be there for her.

I think you need to tell her that she's no responsible for her Mum's happiness and that her Mum has chosen to live in the middle of nowhere, so that's not your DD's fault.

If your ex wife has a temper on her, I'm not surprised your DD is reluctant to rock the boat by approaching her herself I also think it is really sad that she feels she is responsible for her Mum's happiness, that isn't healthy.

If you were my Dad I would want you to broach the subject with Mum, even if you did take some heat for it. She maybe an adult but this is a lot to be on her shoulders at this age.

Would your Ex wife react badly to it? Or could your daughter broach the subject with you there in the room as well?

Yes, ex would go ballistic. She does have a temper on her.

@Everybodyknows. Yes ex will probably accuse me of trying to manipulate the situation but the reality is that there is no upside for me. I don't want my kids to stop seeing their mum. I've always encouraged it and offered her more time than our court order says. Usually rejected by her and whenever she's asked for more time I've always agreed, even if DD hasn't been keen. Maintenance is a non-issue. I spend more money sending them up to see mum than she gives me and it doesn't even cover dinner money for one child let alone both.

My first, last & only concern are the kids. DD is less keen that DS about going because she's older and has more of a social life. DS hasn't said anything about not wanting to go but he has always been closer to his mum. He is aware of the situation though since when I asked him if he wanted to come home earlier like his sister does he replied 'no cos mum will be annoyed' rather than 'no i don't want to' or 'i'm happy here'

Since it does seem that I wouldn't be unreasonable to 'take the bullet' so to speak I will broach the subject.

"he replied 'no cos mum will be annoyed' "

That comment disturbs me. My Dad is an angry man and uses his anger to control and manipulate situations. I no longer have anything to do with him. But it has left it's lasting mark.

Please stand up for her, take the bullet so to speak. You sound like a good father.

I'm divorced and try to facilitate good contact with their Dad but in your shoes, perhaps due to my childhood, I would take the heat in this situation. I think your DD would be very very grateful to you tbh. Although the conversation will not be pleasant of course.

YANBU - DD is more than capable than making her own choices here, with your backing. As for DS, I wonder if it would be hard for him to say 'no I don't WANT to' as it might sound like 'I don't want to come home to you' - DC from separated parents can often be very creful with their words as not to upset either parent.

this is a tough situation for sure, and there is no right answer tbh

what both you and DD want is clear, but the question is who should broach it?

I think, as your daughter is under 18, it should be you

Did you speak to her niceguy? What happened?