To miss what could have been

[cantthinkofadadsname]

We've been separated for 2 years. It was a mutual separation. Nobody else involved. Deep down, we both knew we were not meant to spend our lives together. House was full of arguments and stress. Constant stress. DS was a surprise - my ex cried when she found out she was pregnant. Despite trying to make it work, we couldn't and we separated.

We are still good friends. I know it's a cliche but we are. We also still do things as a family. I know how hard it has been for her as a single mum. My DS comes round twice a week and we are very flexible on what we do at the weekends.
I also pay a lot of maintenance - I know how much the house costs to run and I have a responsibility. She works part time and is always on the go.

She's moved house a while ago. I'm really pleased for her. It's near where the school is which is good.

Thing is - I'm struggling to cope with what could have been. I live in a small flat. DS does not know anyone around here. He doesn't feel settled in the flat in the same way he does at home where he can just lounge about and "be". He can go out and play with his friends at home. I do a lot of work in people's houses and I see the way the whole family interacts. Kids just come home and relax in their own house. I see DS doing that when he is at my ex's house.

It's just hard seeing "normal " family life. I know DS and ex have that - they invite friends over to the house and they have the space to relax. It's also hard because they can be spontaneous about what they do - whereas I have to wait till I see him before we can be spontaneous.

I know it's what happens when you separate. I know that my ex has had so much pressure on her to keep the house going and to look after DS. I know she would have found things a lot easier if there were two in the house. But she has told me she thinks we did the right thing.

But I do miss what could have been.

You're not being unreasonable at all.
I'm not surprised you feel that way, especially as it sounds that you and your ex were so close to making it work, but not quite close enough.
It must be awful to see what you might have had, but not been able to.

Do you think you'll ever have a family with anyone else?
Maybe that family life is waiting for you, but with a different partner?

Why would you be unreasonable to wish that things could have been different, but they are what they are and you need to see the positives in what you have. Regretting doesn't solve anything (although we all do it at times). Enjoy the times you spend with your DS and make the most of them.

Hi - I feel terribly sad reading your post and as I have not been in the same position feel hesitant to offer advice.

But for what it is worth I am sure your DS treasures his time with you - it doesnt matter half as much to him where you live as you imagine it does. Missing what could have been is expected but not productive. If I was in your shoes I would think what you can do to help the situation and make yourself and him feel better now. For example - making his space in your flat more personalised and cool and exciting. Perhaps do some DIY together ( I don't know how old he is) or go to Ikea together and pick some little things together so he feels it is more his space. Also remember what a child wants most is time with their father - not big spontaneous guestures - just time!

Give yourself credit for obviously being a good man as you can tell from your concerns.

Sorry don't really have any advice but you sound like a really good dad and decent person and I hope you can work something out

I think I miss a part of being in the community - if that makes sense. I go to the playground when I pick up DS and no one talks to me. I know some of the mums a bit, but not well enough to go and start talking to them.

I just feel for DS as well. When he's with me, well it's just me and him. None of his friends, just me and him which can be quite intense. If he was at home, he could just go out to see his friends, then pop back home. It's like he always wants to do something when he's with me instead of just relaxing like he can do at home.

At the moment, my main concern is getting enough money to survive so I really don't have time to go out and meet anyone else. My DS and his welfare comes first. I really do not understand it when I read on here about ex's who don't pay maintenance. I could never do that.

Right now, it must be hard to see beyond 'what could have been' as a happy stable, spacious home full of 'normal' family life. But from your account of your relationship prior to splitting up, it's unlikely that you'd have achieved that life together.

Better to have a good relationship and regular contact with your DS and a functional adult relationship with his mother than all be lumped together under the same roof amid arguments and stress.

YANBU to feel regretful, but look to the future, to ways of enriching your own life be that through improving your domestic circumstances, a new relationship or some other kind of fulfilment.

I don't really know what to say other then the fact that that you sound lovely - after reading some of the posts on mumsnet I was beginning to believe there were no decent men in the world.

It all sounds like the not knowing of it all is the problem but as you said it was for the best and things were't going to work out. I expect once you have a new partner and maybe each start to build on your families you will feel better about the situation. Your DS sounds like he adores you, kids like their homes - except mine. He is most at home at my mums house! Go figure!

By the way there are plenty of lovely women on mumsnet looking for a decent bloke!

YANBU. How old is your ds?

I am in a simelar situation in that I have a great arrangement with my ex, we fully co parent and are very flexible with each other.

Of course you will miss what could have been, but you also need to really think about what it is that could have been. Could it have been a life full of arguements and stress. A life that was so full of disharmony that it would have been extremely difficult to support each other as parents because the problems in your relationship as a couple were too big?

Think about what you have now. You have a relationship with your ex where you can talk rationally and clearly to each other about parenting stuff without anything else getting in the way. That's got to be good for your child. You can still share a lot, and I honestly believe that for us at least, it is better this way. For all of us.

Work on the relationship you have with your ex. No one will ever love your son as much as you and her, no matter how much they may love him.

dadsname you sound like you're doing everything you can (and doing everything right from what you've outlined)

But you are seeing things through other peoples eyes (and maybe projecting just a bit)

Your DS (how old is he?) is bound to act different in your home to 'his' home. When he starts school there will be lots of other children in similar situations. Some might have step parents/step siblings.
He'll not be the only one splitting his time between 2 homes.

And the people you see while at work?
You're seeing a snapshot of their lives. It won't be like that all the time.

some will be stuuck in a relationship "for the children" because they weren't sensible or brave enough to do what you and your ex did, and make it work but not together.

If you look back, maybe things could have been done differently.Is there anything in particular that you could have changed?

But if you'd stayed a couple, it might have been unharmonious.

Do you live in the same area?
Could you live in the same area?
Then he could have his friends at your flat or you could do more with him?

I was round the house recently. She'd found a box of old CDs and was giving me some of them back. She started to play some which she used to like and was seeing if I could guess them. She started dancing and singing - and she was just so cute.

We've both moved on. I do often think about what could have been but then I have to remind myself of what it was really like and how I felt. I know that it is much better without the stress and not wanting to come home because I felt like I was treading on eggshells all the time.

I was far from perfect - reading AIBU has really opened my eyes up and made me think about some of the things I did. I have no doubt Ex would have posted on AIBU about some things I did (put it this way - I'm banned from DIY and plumbing).

DS has had a lot to cope with - he's seen me live in various shared houses which is hard when you've got a child who is not the world's tidiest. I finally managed to get a flat but not in the world's best neighbourhood.

Me and my ex do have a really good relationship now. I do hope she finds someone to make her happy. But she always tells me she's too busy to do that kind of thing.

How much time do you get to spend in your ds's home?

Is that something that could be increased?

My ex used to come over and have some of that 'relaxed' time that you talk about in our house, and we used to go on holiday together and spend Christmas together. We don't do holidays any more as we both have new partners, but we do all spend time together at Christmas and birthdays and on significant ocassions for the dc. It was something that both our new partners had made clear to them when they came into our lives and they have just had to accept it, which they have done.

outraged - that's almost part of the problem. I will often make tea or do the ironing when I return DS to my ex. Just so she can have "down time" with DS as she seems to spend so much time on the go and finds it hard to have quality time with DS. Then I just get reminded of this is what a family is - I was watching them both bounce on the trampoline whilst I was making tea. It was relaxing but also incredibly hard.

We still do a lot together - some of my friends have said we should just make a clean break - whilst others have said that it is really good for DS to see that we can still be friends together and do things as a family. It's more fun playing hide and seek together in a 3!

We do Christmas together and birthdays together. But she also insists / expects DS to be at her house on those days (in the morning when he wakes up) and I don't think I'll ever get her to change that.

awwwww

I think see this as a call to focus on starting to build a happier life for yourself

You could think about meeting someone, having kids, creating a new home (which of course your lovely DS wll be part of)

think its normal to feel like you do

I think you need to decide 100% if there is NO HOPE for you and the ex to, sounds like you have pangs for her

No YANBU and all credit to you for having made this situation as good as it sounds for your DS.

You are describing exactly how I think my ex felt for a long time. I do appreciate how hard it is for you, and how hard it was for him when he had to leave our house in the evening and go home to an empty flat.

The situation is what it is though and you are pretty much stuck with just having to make the best of it.

I am fairly certain that this situation will be much much harder on you than it is on your ds, as your ds will just grow used to it, but you are the one with the image stuck in your head of 'how it could have been'.

You really do need to focus on the positives, and don't ever underestimate how much influence you will have on your ds just because you don't sleep under the same roof. I only say that because my ex used to feel like he wasn't being a 'proper' dad by not having the ideal nuclear family set up. I'm sorry if I'm projecting that on to you if you feel no such thing, I don't mean to sound like you aren't doing a brilliant job as a dad. It's just that I had to remind my ex that he had more influence and impact on our lives than it felt like to him.

I think (guessing) we are probably further down the line than you are now, our dc are now 10 and 12. My ex has an aspect to his relationship with our sons that I don't have, and in all honesty, I get jealous of that as much as he gets jealous of me being the one to have them the majority of the time. I don't mean jealous in a bad way, it's all positive, but it's natural because we both love them so much and want to share everything with them. Ex does all the cubs and scouting and camping and all the boy type stuff that I'm not into at all, and it's great for all of them. They get so much out of it. As your ds gets older, you will have more opportunity to do the same sort of thing, and you will the positives of that begin to outweigh the negatives that go along with being a separated family.

It's a bumpy road, but it will start to feel better than it does now.

I think (and I say this as a once single mum and now remarried with a 9 week old baby with my new husband) that you would be better making a clean break and rebuilding a whole new life. Go dating. (I met my dh on the dreaded plenty of fish haha! :) it can work!) ... If money is an issue how about a second evening job? Another way to meet a new partner.... Or go back to college even! Start again :)

I don't think you can move on having so much contact with your ex who you clearly have feelings for.

Can you give your ds a room or space in your flat that he can decorate to make it more his own / second home? It could be a project for both of you.

Completely disagree with making a clean break, also as a once single Mum but now remarried.

I want my dc to be part of one big family, not two separate and different smaller ones. It's not that difficult if every adult involved agrees to put the children first, and the rewards are well worth the effort that it takes.