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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be the primary support for my friend?

14 replies

windmillpond · 21/08/2012 19:47

I have a friend who I met through work. She has a variety of health problems, including depression and lives at home with her mother who is in increasingly frail health. She is single. She has siblings who she is close to and who live up and down the country.

My friend relies heavily on my support - from asking me to help her tidy her house, to asking me to go in her loft as she cannot.

She is quite socially isolated and immature emotionally.

I am married with a pre-schooler, another on the way and have my own home and business. I am a "coper" and I do take on other people's problems, and try and help as much as I can, even if this means I end up going to help after I have got my child into bed.

Earlier this year I lost my father to cancer. I am looking after the emotional needs of my mum, who is struggling - and pregnancy (or maybe grief) are making me much more emotional than usual.

I received a phonecall today from a nurse at a local hospital, telling me that they had my friend there, she had received bad news, they were very worried about her as she was distressed, and she had requested that they phone me.

I explained that I couldnt get to the hospital immediately, but that I would speak with my friend on the phone. I had been with her in hospital earlier this month when she had an operation to remove fibroids.

I spoke with my friend who sobbed and asked me to come to be with her urgently as she had just been diagnosed with cancer.

I was with my 4 year old daughter, and just can't emotionally cope with being the primary support for someone else going through this awful disease so soon after dad :( Not when I have the choice (as harsh as that sounds)

I explained that I really could not come to the hospital today as I had my daughter with me (who was very close to her grandad and visited him in hospital) and I did not want her to get upset seeing my friend crying, and most probably me crying too. I offered reassurance and asked her to phone her sister to tell her.

I feel absolutely TERRIBLE for the decision I made not to go to her :( The diagnosis has brought back all of my fears and sadness that I feel about dad, and I have been tearful all afternoon.

I have since spoken to my friend who says she is okay now she is home with her mum, and was just in shock at the hospital.

DH supports my decision and is annoyed with my friend for being so thoughtless in who she contacted, but I still feel guilty.

WIBU in not going to be with her? What would you have done? Honestly?

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 21/08/2012 19:50

It was a tough decision but I think you made the right one. However, I think your DH is harsh. I'm glad your friend found alternative support and I hope that you are ok too.

NatashaBee · 21/08/2012 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuchzia · 21/08/2012 19:53

YANBU it would have been too distressing for your LO. I think you need to work out what support your friend has in place and make any help you give limited and specific, cooking her a meals or something, Im sure that she will understand that given your circs doing hospital etc with her is just not practical.

Mrsjay · 21/08/2012 19:56

I am sorry about your dad Sad

I know she is your friend but imo you did the right thing she has seen you as a good support and clung on for dear life , dont back off altogether but just slightly you have a lot on your own plate, This happened to my friend who i work with she offered to dog walk for somebody and ended up as their carer , Shock she is a lovely caring person it took her 6 months to break away from these people who were draining her,

I wouldnt have gone either not with a 4 yr old in tow , she pulled herself together and she is calmer you can continue to be her friend,

redexpat · 21/08/2012 19:56

Your child's needs come first.

You sound like an absolute saint. However, we all have our limits. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

QOD · 21/08/2012 19:58

Oh dear. Its going to be hard to pull away from her now.

I'm sorry

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 21/08/2012 20:00

You did the right thing

I'm sorry about your dad Sad

It's only ever a good thing to put your child first, and it's ok to put yourself first too

Mrsjay · 21/08/2012 20:03

it's ok to put yourself first too

yes to this, sometimes folk can drain us so much it is ok to take a step back you don't need to stop being her friend though [smile

Original poster
windmillpond · 21/08/2012 20:06

Thanks all - just to know I'm not a terrible friend is enough for me [weak smile]

I have backed off recently - I have also telephoned her sister and given her a piece of my mind when she wouldn't support my friend through a breakdown and left it to me (her sister is retired and lives about 3 hours drive away, so not outside the realms of impossibility, she just didn't seem to want to help)

I tidied her house fully for her on one occasion only and then helped her find a cleaner. She (within 6 months) asked me to come and do another sweep as she is a hoarder and an untidy one at that. I declined and told her I am not her organiser, that i was happy to do it once, but then the onus was on her to keep it tidy.

So I am not a pushover by any means, but I feel very guilty whenever I say no. Even though I know that I should be saying no, it is still hard to actually do. And today was the worst kind of saying no. I should mention that she is 10 years older than me, so certainly should be able to look after herself and her own. But prefers me to do so.

OP posts:
doinmummy · 21/08/2012 20:07

You sound lovely Op, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Please don't feel bad.

JustTheRightAmountOfWrong · 21/08/2012 20:09

You poor thing, you sound like a good person who has a lot on their plate. Your friend will understand that. And if she doesn't, well maybe it's about time she did. Im sorry about her diagnoses I really am but you sound like you need support yourself.

Sometimes we have to learn to put our needs first as if you fall apart through stress that will affect your daughter.

X

Mrsjay · 21/08/2012 20:11

having feelings of guilt saying no is normal shows you are human and have compassion saying no with no feeling means you are not really her friend which you are,

dondon33 · 21/08/2012 20:33

You did the right thing.
I can imagine it being so difficult but you shouldn't feel guilty. I agree with ^ posts about putting yourself first on this occasion.
You sound like a lovely caring friend and I'm sure your friend will understand.
Perhaps you could look to find some information, some kind of counselling for your friend then sit her down and explain that you just can't be her main source of support. It's really not fair of her if she expects this of you.
I hope she makes a speedy recovery xx

lovebunny · 21/08/2012 22:38

a person would have to be heartless not to think your friend is in a terrible situation and hope for the best for her, but you cannot take this on. you did the right thing.
concentrate on yourself, your baby on the way, your daughter, your husband and then your mum. that's more than enough. [re-reading, i realise i've missed out your business - you really do have more than enough on your plate already]. i'm sorry about your loss of your dad.
your friend might be able to get a social worker to talk to her and organise some support, depending on how vulnerable she and her mother are. she might be able to get help from macmillan nurses. there are cancer-support charities who might be able to offer help. you probably know all this.
whichever way support is found, it can't be from you. look after yourself. xx

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