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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To conduct an experiment against DH and not clean the house?

34 replies

CheshireDing · 21/08/2012 18:53

The deal is I clean and iron, DH cooks and fixes stuff. I like a clean house and don't mind ironing (because I can watch Housewives of NYC at the same time), he likes cooking (I hate it) and if there is someone else to fix stuff I figure get that person to do it (and he is happy to fix stuff).

The "problem' lies in his generally household trampyness. I don't think it's too much to ask that if you are going to a different level and there is something you could take with you, cup/piece of clothing etc you do. Otherwise it's a 3 storey house and I am constantly putting stuff in it's correct room/laundry basket/dishwasher.

DH buys a new item of clothing and just throws the tag on the floor. Even when I say "oh I didn't know we lived IN a bin" he just moves it to the side half the time.

Honestly I love him to bits but I have said today I go back to work in September after Mat Leave and I am not cleaning any bloody more. If he chooses to use the ground floor toilet and not clean it that's his problem because I never use it so never check.

AIBU to try and never clean again and see how long he holds out his laziness? Otherwise please tell me how to deal with it because our arguing over it today caused him to reverse in to a tree! :(

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 21/08/2012 18:57

You can try, but from an experiment I conducted, nothing happens, apart from the place getting is a right state.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2012 18:57

Can he stop cooking and fixing things?

LucieMay · 21/08/2012 19:00

I don't understand, you said the deal was he cooks and fixes, you clean and iron... so he is keeping up his part of the deal? If it's not working for you, clearly a new deal needs to be negotiated.

MrsKeithRichards · 21/08/2012 19:00

I don't think that's a fair comparison unless op deliberately breaks things.

hazeldog · 21/08/2012 19:03

Haha I had to stop when I was laid up after c section. Even when he tried to do the washing up it wasn't even clean and I suppose given that he apparently can't see the remote or his keys or phone In plain sight it was unrealistic to expect him to spontaneously start seeing and cleaning mess. As long as he does other things around the place I think you just have to accept that tidiness is a trait you either have or you don't.

Original poster
CheshireDing · 21/08/2012 19:05

TBH I would be just as happy eating veg/pasta anything on toast (I am quite imagination limited when it comes to cooking). I was thinking of trying to unblock the sink after, which I think counts as fixing things Grin

I have just been in the en suite and there is a used pair of socks on the windowsill! I just don't understand why they can go in the laundry basket it'son the same floor.

He says he does not see the mess.

I might Google to see if anyone divorced over such things, I could believe after 50 years or it might happen Smile

OP posts:
cathkitten · 21/08/2012 19:06

OP my husband throws tags from his new clothes on the floor too! He also leaves his dirty clothes near the linen basket rather than in it and I'll know exactly where he's been in the house as he never tidies up after himself. It is driving me mad! But he hates it when I nag him so instead I've written a set of house rules and told him that it's for the DCs but really it's aimed at him as well as the kids! I'll let you know if it works!

Yama · 21/08/2012 19:11

No matter what the deal is, I would (and do) refuse to pick up after anyone.

Who the fuck thinks that someone else should pick up after them?

And I include children over the age of 5.

Original poster
CheshireDing · 21/08/2012 19:12

No I don't break things. He just dented the car AND he blocked the kitchen sink by cleaning the bbq in it AND he left a poo stain in the ground floor toilet Grin

Can you see I am losing my mind over it today!? :(

Maybe we do need a new agreement but I am okay with cleaning if I didn't haveto move random stuff left around, or put a knife in the dishwasher when it's been put in the sink so he had to pass the dishwasher to get TO the sink.

Or when he leaves an empty toilet roll

OP posts:
songline · 21/08/2012 19:12

I have tried this many times and I always crack first and tidy up.... after 19 years together now I've just given in... its not worth the stress. We both work hard for the family in our own ways and its easier in the end to pick up the pile of stuff waiting on the stairs than curse it each time you pass it realising noone lelse has bothered.

Original poster
CheshireDing · 21/08/2012 19:16

I think it is some weird blindness Hazel !

Glad I am not alone with the clothes tag issue.

I can hear him cleaning the shower I think, I might go and investigate after feeding DD.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 21/08/2012 19:19

Cleaning is not the same as having to pick up rubbish deliberately discarded all over the house.

tunnocksteacake · 21/08/2012 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hokeycakey · 21/08/2012 19:21

I agree op just not picking up after yourself is lazy and disrespectful, you are not the maid my dh is exactly the same, tags, receipts loose change, dirty clothes everywhere

I have got so pissed off with it I will not pick up dirty clothes just chuck everything next to his side of the bed along with his random rubbish, he might leave it there but at least I don't have to look at it and dcs are petrified of "daddy's dirty bit" ha ha!

MrMiyagi · 21/08/2012 19:24

"My husbands cooks and fixes things, I clean and iron. Except I want him to clean too"

Biscuit
McHappyPants2012 · 21/08/2012 19:24

there is a diffrence between cleaning and picking up after someone else.

I clean this house, but DH still needs to put his rubbish in the bin and put clothes and towels in the washing basket.

hokeycakey · 21/08/2012 19:27

Can't believe anyone is defending the dh here there is a massive difference between cleaning and picking up after someone, would you let your dcs throw rubbish/ dirty clothes all over the house? Even my 4 year old can manage to pick up after himself it is common decency!

BlackOutTheSun · 21/08/2012 19:32

I'm a sahm so I do most of the cleaning, but there is no way I'd ever pick up after dp. Tried speaking to him, no change. So then I told him that if its left for me to pick up it goes into the bin.

It worked

Inertia · 21/08/2012 19:48

Cleaning is not the same as picking up random bits of crap, dirty dishes and dirty clothes. All the stuff has to be tidied before OP can clean.

The equivalent would be if OP went round deliberately breaking things so that DH would have to fix them, or making a mess of all the pans so DH would have to wash them before he could cook.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 21/08/2012 19:58

YANBU to want to do this but I think in reality it would lead to a lot of tension and resentment. It isn't 'fair' but you would be setting him up to fail and for you to fall out over that failure. Is it really worth it?

I have the same thing with my DH just leaving stuff all over the place. He puts washing on top if the laundry basket Hmm I used to just leave it but it just wasn't worth the aggravation vs 5 seconds to put tags in the bin/relocate laundry etc. He should grow up and take responsibility but I do it for the sake of my sanity and for our relationship.

I do think it would be reasonable for him to clean his own bathroom though, unless it's also used by visitors.

Gusthetheatrecat · 21/08/2012 20:12

I know this is going to sound a bit hardcore, but when H and I first moved in together, a few times I would just collect some of the things he'd strewn around the house, and put them all on his side of the bed. I didn't spend ages doing it, just a few minutes grabbing whatever was to hand.
I didn't have to do it that often (although I do have a nagging feeling that once I tucked them all in, so they were snugly under the duvet, which felt like making my point even more forcefully!). There wasn't really anything he could say, since they 'belonged' in the bed as much as they 'belonged' on the window sill / on the floor.
This was early on in our living together life. We were both establishing our expectations! I wouldn't say things are perfect now, but we do share household tasks to a much greater extent than most other couples I know.

limitedperiodonly · 21/08/2012 20:44

But do you ask him to not to chuck stuff about or do you say things like 'I didn't know we lived in a BIN?'

Just say what you want.

nokidshere · 21/08/2012 20:53

I have the opposite problem. Dh is always clearing and tidying stuff away and I am more messy than him. I always clear my mess but not always there and then - if I haven't moved soemthing in about 10 seconds he comes and does it for me. Which sounds lovely but its bloody irritating! I say things like "I will clear the kitchen" and then 2 mins later he is in there doing it. Drives me mad. But I stay (relatively) calm about it because as far as I can see its his problem and not mine :)

So are you sure you are giving him the opportunity to clear up? Maybe if you asked him directly instead of being sarcastic it would help or maybe leaving things for a bit longer and seeing if he does them without being nagged?

yellowraincoat · 21/08/2012 20:56

Oh my God, you are married to my partner.

"This place is a mess," he moans. Er, yeah, it's a mess because you leave your shit everywhere and never pick anything up.

limitedperiodonly · 21/08/2012 20:56

Are we the same people nokidshere?