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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dh is being selfish?

18 replies

morethanyoubargainfor · 21/08/2012 15:51

He has been out at work since early this morning in the north of country, we live in the east. He has just telephoned to see if he is able to come home via his business partners in London? We have already had this conversation this morning. Now in normal circumstances this I would not mind but, I currently am laid up with a suspected trapped nerve in my hip along with EDS, so pain could. E from a dislocation or subluxation. I have struggled for several weeks.

I have a ds 9 who has ASD and other spld. He canbe demanding the best of times. I can just about stand and everything even sitting causes pain.

Here's the thing dh finished at 3, could have been home by 5, but no he feels it is more important to go to London to collect a new computer that is being delivered today meaning he won't be home until atleast 9pm.

Phone convo went something like this,

Dh, hello darling, how you feeling?

Me, well not to bad but still in lots of pain

Dh, what you are no better? Not at all,

Me, no but I know you are calling to ask if you can go to london?

Dh, well yes but do you want me to co e home?

Me, I don't think I should have to answer that,

Dh, well if you don't tell me how am I supposed to know what you want me to do?

Me, again I am amazed you have have to ask, I know you want to go to London so just go.

Dh, fine I will then, and then hung up.

So Abu in thinking he should just be a little bit thoughtful and came home to help me out a bit without me having to spell it out for him? So is dh being selfish on this occasion? He has form! Like going back to work 14 hours after ds was born by emergency c section, being unwell and me nearly having to be flew to another hospital due to severe complications!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 21/08/2012 15:55

You're both being daft

However his form with the section is pretty poor

If I was you I would have said I need you to come home not played a game where you're waiting for him to give you the right answer

SmileItsSunny · 21/08/2012 15:55

Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, and it would be great if DH's were psychic - but if you wanted him to come straight home you should have asked him to.

I do understand that you would have liked him to have empathy for you, and make up his own mind to come home though.

NatashaBee · 21/08/2012 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 21/08/2012 15:58

It's no good asking a partner "to feel your pain".........they just don't.

EdithWeston · 21/08/2012 15:58

You did tell him in the conversation you reported that he could go.

If you do not want him to, and you want him to pay more attention to what you say, then mean what you say and do not change your mind (or he will keep asking for everything, because he thinks you will).

You are unlikely to change whether he instinctively 'gets it', but you can reiterate your preferences instead of caving in to a repeat request.

Original poster
morethanyoubargainfor · 21/08/2012 15:58

That's exactly it, I get fed up with having to spell every little out to him! He is so absorbed in work nothing else really comes close. I know I am being daft to and this isn't about who was right etc, I just needed to get it down. I have put up with this for 12 years and it is getting a little boring!

OP posts:
Nagoo · 21/08/2012 15:58

You should have said ' Don't go to London'.

It's kind of your fault now, because you said one thing and meant something else.

Sorry.

mayorquimby · 21/08/2012 15:59

Do you want me to come home?

There was you're chance to say yes, not give a sarcy passive aggressive answer.

Nagoo · 21/08/2012 15:59

Why don't you try being clear about what you actually want instead of passive aggressive?

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 16:00

Yabu, to dance around and not tell want you want. That would piss me off.
Yabnu to expect him to come straight home, unless he really needs to do this for his job.
Some people do have jobs they can't drop because of poorly wives, childbirth etc.
Dh is one of them.

Original poster
morethanyoubargainfor · 21/08/2012 16:01

Good point Edith. I cave all the time. Like the times he has a days worked booked (self employed) and so do I and we have no child care, I have to take the day off as he couldn't possibly as he earns more than I do blah blah blah!

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 16:01

That's should have said my dh is one of them, is yours?

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 16:04

is he doing because his wage pays the bills?
What does he get out of going to London today. For him to be selfish, he must be getting something out of it.

Original poster
morethanyoubargainfor · 21/08/2012 16:06

He wasn't at the time I gave birth to ds, but he thinks he is now! Nothing can be booked in advance in case he has to work, when I insist on a family holiday the phone and laptop come too and he spends hours on them. The thing is he has an equal business partner who goes away (abroad) atleat four times a year and she just stops working, if she can do how come he can't? He doesn't need to go collect computer, he wants to because he is a gadget geek, he is excited about it and can't wait. He is a massive control freak and workaholic.
I know it might sound passive aggressive but I think we are both guilty of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
morethanyoubargainfor · 21/08/2012 16:08

Agilchrist, he gets a brand new computer, hat is all no money involved. His wage does cover the bills excluding anything for ds or me, or food or petrol in my car!

OP posts:
MyLastDuchess · 21/08/2012 16:16

Apologies if I am getting off track and reading far too much into the conversation.

I think it could be really helpful for you to practice speaking up about your own needs. It can be very hard if you're not used to doing it. From reading the "transcript" I got the idea that it wasn't even so much that you didn't want your OH to go to London, it was that you didn't want him to WANT to go. Because then you wouldn't need to tell him that it wasn't going to work for you.

I could also imagine - though obviously this is a lot more of a stretch - that your OH didn't want you to NEED HIM NOT TO go. He wished that you weren't in pain, because then not only would you be feeling ok but he could do what he wanted to do, without guilt.

In an ideal world it wouldn't be necessary for you to have to tell him, but I think we all know that we don't live in an ideal world!

As it is, you are both a bit pissed off now. You have not been able to get your needs met, and to make matters worse your OH is now a bit annoyed and self-righteous about the whole thing. Given that you can't change how he is going to behave, the best solution is to work on changing your own behaviour (hard as that can be).

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 16:17

In that case he is being selfish. I thought he was collecting it as part of his job, not a toy.
You need to tell him what you want, if he carries on anyway, then I would completely agree.
He is being a unreasonable and, imo, so are you. I hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
morethanyoubargainfor · 21/08/2012 16:27

Mylastduchess you have hit the nail on the head. There is always somebody else that needs me, be it my ds, my job, friends, dh I am always bottom of the pile. Everybody wants a bit of morethan. I dream of the day I can be a little more selfish.

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