to be suspicious about this guy?

[soontobedivorced]

Last night I went out to a pub quiz with a social group I just joined to make new friends. They all seemed very nice. I wasn't drinking as I was driving but one girl had a few too many glasses of wine. At the end of the evening the male organiser offered to drive her home, BUT he'd been really flirty and tactile with both me and her all evening. It was only after they went that I thought to myself that although the guy seemed really nice he was being very tactile and I was wondering if she was OK and maybe I should have jumped in and offered her a lift as well. I thought about emailing her today to apologise for not offering her a lift and to check she is OK but don't want to insinuate anything bad about the guy especially as its a small group and likelihood is I'll be seeing them both again. Some guys are just like that I think and don't mean anything of it but she was quite vulnerable. What would you do? Think I am over-reacting?

You could just text and say "hi, how are you feeling after last night?"

Nice of you to be thinking of her IMO.

I think you are worrying about it a bit too much. You are new to the group, perhaps this man is always flirty. The moment to offer a lift has passed anyway, so what's done is done.

I don't see a problem messaging her and saying something along the lines of "Hope you got home alright, how are you feeling today, I'm guessing you have a bit of a headache!"

If you don't know them that well it's possible that they are friends, and know each other well. And in any case, being a bit tactile doesn't make someone a rapist or anything! I wouldn't worry about it too much, you're probably overthinking it a bit.

I suppose an email wouldn't hurt. Just say hi, is she feeling hungover, don't make a big thing about the lift. That's what I would do anyway!

I think you're over-thinking this one a bit. Some people are naturally tactile and flirty - it doesn't mean you need to be suspicious. The fact that he is the organiser of something like this would imply that he is an outgoing, friendly guy.

I would message her to see how she is - in the spirit of friendship, and not because you think someone may pose a risk because they happen to be a tactile, flirty person. It's a hell of a leap to something more sinister.

Hmm. Thing is, while this man may just be a flirty friendly type, behaviour like this is one of the ways rapists operate. And unless the OP is an unusually sensitive type, it's possible that she felt uneasy around this man because there was something borderline creepy about his behaviour.

If the man makes you feel uncomfortable OP it's fine to keep your distance from him. And it's not a bad idea to send the other woman a text asking how she's doing, though as you don't yet know her very well it's possible that (supposing something bad did happen) she won't tell you.

Well this was what I was thinking. I had never met him before but in the pub it was all pats on the arm and pats on the knee, to me and to her, and in the car park when the three of us who were left were saying goodbye and getting into our cars he went further and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I just found this a little unusual in someone I'd only met that evening. It didn't feel sinister or creepy and was actually rather nice and he seemed lovely, but then I thought about it some more and wondered if I was being naive...

I've been trying to find my way through the trials and tribulations of internet dating lately though so maybe it's made me a little more suspicious than I would normally be. I guess there is a bit difference between someone you meet alone online and someone you meet as part of a group who has accountability and a reputation to uphold...

OK, fair enough, it may well be the case that you are on extra-alert because of internet dating. And of course some people are just more tactile than others (though I personally think that people who are very tactile with strangers are bad-mannered even if they aren't actually predators. In general, a person's right not to be touched trumps any other person's wish to touch him/her) because it suits their perception of themselves as 'warm/friendly/outgoing' and doesn't mean they are inclined to assault other people.

But some rapists do operate along these lines, they are Mr Friendly Huggy Teddy Bear and all the time they are watching and waiting for an opportunity to isolate a vulnerable (usually drunk, distressed or possibly with some MH issues) woman from the group and rape her, because they expect that everyone else will say, Oh no, not Mr Friendly, he's just friendly, he wouldn't do a thing like that, she must be mad/lying/a drunken slut who changed her mind.

I think you are possibly reading to much into it.

How did everyone else in the group interact with him?

As for the kiss - first time I met one of my husbands work mates he gave me a kiss on the cheek, we hadn't even spoken let alone spent an evening doing a quiz.

However, having said all that. I was once friends with a bloke who was a lovely man, really nice and normal as anything..........turned out to be a murderer!

Well they are both due to attend future events so will just keep note of how they interact, or if she suddenly stops coming or something. Hopefully I'm worrying over nothing.

Well he was only touchy-feely with me and this other girl, no-one else, there was a mix of men/women but the other women were older or left early. Everyone seemed pretty comfortable from what I saw.

Fruity, omg, what happened??!! Did you share your story on here?

It happened years ago, before I discovered MN.

He drank in the same pub as me, was friends with my friends etc, rented out his rooms to some of the bar staff, we;d frequent the same parties, sit at the bar having a drink together..... he really seemed a nice guy.

It was an unsolved murder, a lady in Wakefield, there was a lot of press about it. He got caught when he was stopped by the police doing random checks on cars etc, was a real shock to everyone.

I'd drop her that text, as it's a friendly thing to do.

Maybe they are in a relationship anyway?

Made that mistake having been chatted up by a man, lovely looking behind all the body piercings and startling hair. I then almost revealed the encounter to his very wholesome but sweet Christian gf, who I didn't know was his gf and my sentence veered off a cliff Thankfully, she thought my surprise was at their unlikely pairing and she 'kindly' explained that her conservative parents had the same problem!

Wow, well just goes to show, you just never know!

Lol, Olympicmix, close one!!

It didn't take long for the word 'rapist' to appear, did it?

OGWT: Why would it, when the OP was posting that she was uneasy about a particular man's behaviour? Rapists exist. It's possible that the man she is describing is one (no, not just because he is a Man With A Penis but because his behaviour as she described it is behaviour that sometimes indicates a rapist. Most men are not rapists. Most men also keep their hands and hugs and kisses to themselves with women that they don't know, or who are drunk.)

It's not a crime to be tactile...some people are just like that.

Equally if he fancied you both, he might have been keeping his options open...again not a crime for a single person.

However, what matters here is that you are worried about the other woman so I agree with those who have suggested you invent an 'innocent' reason to text her to put your mind at rest.

Also, generally:
The man who offers you a lift home because you're pissed and he isn't, probably isn't a rapist.
The man you don't know very well who offers you a lift home because you're pissed, and he's got the car outside, might be a rapist.
The man who's been very tactile with you (and not with other people in the group) who offers you a lift home might be a rapist, or at least be inclined to make a pass at you, but might well stop if you tell him to, so is an opportunist creep rather than a rapist.
The man who has been very tactile to you but not other people and encouraging you to have another drink and insistent about driving you home because you're pissed and he's got the car outside almost certainly is a rapist.

And to add to what sgb said...perhaps the man would have offered her a lift even if she was sober?

Quite possibly Worra yes, and thanks for all your opinions, really helpful, I'm really new to the dating game and need to get a little more streetwise without becoming paranoid, its hard to get the balance sometimes :)