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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say an absolute no to any contact between my dc and in-laws

19 replies

myshoesdontstink · 21/08/2012 00:27

I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws and have not spoken to them for 3 years, they are toxic, said terrible things about my autistic son, acted as though all my belongings were their's and said as much, the usual toxic crap. To top it all off, my FIL acts as though I don't exist and MIL has said that they will "sort me out" if I am "no good". BIL once pushed me in the street and claimed not to recognise me, SIL expects me to bend to her every stupid whim. So basically 3 years ago, I decided that I would be alot happier and better off without them in my life, and so would my children.
Lately Dh (who has kept up a seperate relationship with them) has said that he wants to take my dc round to visit his parents and allow them to build a relationship with his family.....
This has lead to a couple of almighty rows and me putting my foot down and refusing completely. Dh is not happy, and we are not getting along. But to tell you the truth, I am questioning why he has not talked to his family about the way they treat me.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/08/2012 00:32

It's hard to say with just one side of a story but if I got on with my parents, I wouldn't let my DH tell me I couldn't take me children to see them.

What does "the usual toxic crap" mean by the way?

Do you see all inlaws as 'usually toxic'?

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2012 00:32

My children...not 'me' children obviously Blush

DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2012 00:34

sounds like yanbu but it's hard to tell. your husband should support you if they are being ile to you and he is aware of it. They are not just your children though, they are his too.

HappyAsChips · 21/08/2012 00:38

I know some people would say that he has a right to take his own children to see his parents, however, I would also be questioning why he hasn't spoken to them about their horrible treatment of you. If you have been much happier with no contact over the last three years, then stick to your guns and say no. Surely he is reasonable enough to understand why?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/08/2012 00:40

shoes - seeing as your ILs don't respect you or your belongings.
And especially don't respect your children.
They ignore you or threaten you.

Your first duty is to protect your children.

How old are they?
Have they asked why you don't see their GP?
Would they be in a situation where the IL could say anything derogatory to them (about you or about the DC themselves?)

Maybe if you met up with the IL without the DC you could see how the land lies.
If you think they've changed then arrange a meeting.
If you don't see a change - then you've tried but you've not subjected your DC to any potential unpleasantness.

Original poster
myshoesdontstink · 21/08/2012 00:41

Yes, they are his children too, it is just that he takes risks with their safety and I am not comfortable with him being alone with them. He does things like let the not yet 3 year old run down the pavement without stopping her near roads, lets the baby mouth small toys like lego bits which he could potentially swallow.
His family are manipulative, see women as unworthy, look down on the disabled, and believe in physical punishment.
I have an autistic son, never smack my children and am apposed to smacking, they do not respect me or my parenting choices.

OP posts:
IdPreferNot · 21/08/2012 00:41

If my parents were vile to my DH, I would probably cut contact with them. Even if I continued contact, I wouldn't take our children to see grandparents who trash their father. That would show a profound lack of respect to my DH.

Two sides to every story and all, but if they've been nasty to you and badmouth you, then your DH shouldn't be asking to take the kids along. Unless he thinks YABU about his parents.

Original poster
myshoesdontstink · 21/08/2012 00:47

Yes, I have offered to see them and meet with them to see if they have changed. I doubt it though considering they are refusing to see me or speak to me. I get alot of dodgy phone calls, which I suspect is them phoning h, probably FIL.
I have a 9 year old ds who has refused to see them, when dh asked him to.
Grin I am proud that he can see through them and their gifts and bribery they have offered if he comes to visit. His words "Why won't they let mum go? I won't visit someone who hates my mum"
Dh thinks I have influenced ds, but he says what he thinks and I never force his opinion...would be impossible...

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 21/08/2012 00:53

What IdPreferNot said. If my parents treated my DH like that I wouldn't take our DC near them. We are a family.

NarkedRaspberry · 21/08/2012 00:55

And anyone who has 'said terrible things about (your) autistic son' doesn't get to see him or his siblings. Are they supposed to sit there whilst his parents disrespect their mother and insult their brother?

VampiresGymAndSciFi · 21/08/2012 07:29

Your 'd' h sounds as bad as them! Why are they like that with you? I can't understand how your husband can see them after the way they treat you?! I couldn't be with someone who let their parents talk about their kids/wife like that. They sound mental not just toxic!

Inertia · 21/08/2012 07:41

Your DH is part of the problem. I don't understand why he wants to subject your children to the company of adults who say vile things about them, and threaten their mother. Obviously you know best how your child with autism would manage, but I doubt any child (autistic or NT) would cope with the company of adults who said awful things to them.

pigletmania · 21/08/2012 07:51

Why the hell is your dh not doing anything to support you or about their behaviour to you. He seems to think its your fault, and you are causing your younger ds not to want to go to see the gps. From what you say they sound awful. Your ds is old enough to know what he wants and sees his mum treated hrriblly and understandably does not want to see such people, he sounds much more mature tan your dh

pigletmania · 21/08/2012 07:53

They don't like disabled people, noway would I be retaking my Autstic dc tobtm, god knows how he will be treated, and it dies not sound lik your dh will defend him, te wet blanket that he is

HecateHarshPants · 21/08/2012 07:56

Why is your husband siding with people who treat his wife like crap and say terrible things about his child.

What's wrong with him?

Why isn't he angry about the treatment of his child and wife?

Chictactoe · 21/08/2012 08:01

They are your DH's children as much as they are yours. He gets to decide who they see as well. If you divorce him, he wont have to consult you on this at all.

You need to be dealing with the issue of how they treat you as a separate issue with him. I personally find it strange you dont get along with FIL, MIL, SIL and BIL. They ALL toxic? You sure about that?

pigletmania · 21/08/2012 08:05

Chicatoe quite easily. Some families are just bad news, they sound like they should be on Jeremy vile. Your dh should be supporting you, as his wife and partner. No if seeing the family is going to have a negative impact on the dc they should not see them, like in the case of the op autistic dc

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 08:08

Why is he still you dh, if you feel he puts the children in danger and don't trust him with the kids?

pinkdelight · 21/08/2012 08:37

"I personally find it strange you dont get along with FIL, MIL, SIL and BIL. They ALL toxic? You sure about that?"

I find that strange too, chicta. Esp added to the problems she has with DH (puts them in danger etc). That little triumphant aside about her DC being her favourite for not seeing the in-laws was quite telling, I think. I know it was a joke, but it implied that OP mightn't be the easiest person to get along with. Not saying she's in the wrong, but this does all feel very one-sided so it's extremely hard to say that she's NBU. Maybe the DH has his own side of the story and a fair case for his DC seeing the in-laws? all sounds like a fairly unhealthy environment though

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