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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to want to hear his xw's version of events, even though he has done nothing to disappoint me

23 replies

Shoon · 20/08/2012 23:51

I blame mumsnet. years of lurking and posting here. I was single for five years before I met a divorced man who's wife had an affair. He's similar to me in a lot of ways and we get on well and are very relaxed with each other. I only see him about once a week as we both have children, but even though he treats me very well and has never said or done anything that would make me feel he didn't respect me /or women generally..... I still would love to hear his wife's side. Is that just pure bloody nosiness!? or is it the mumsnet effect? Or am I just not that into him?

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 20/08/2012 23:54

I doubt it that she would want to share, especially if she is feeling guilty! and anyway she may be completely different from you and not a good match for him, so you couldn't compare fairly.

Spinaroo · 20/08/2012 23:57

Does he get to question all your past partners? It was a relationship that didn't work - for whatever reason - and he is with you now. Let it lie?

Original poster

Shoon · 20/08/2012 23:58

Oh I would never dream of trying to get her side of the story from her, it just makes me feel like a jaded old cynical mumsnet veteran that I am so curious! my curiosity annoys me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shoon · 21/08/2012 00:02

ps, maybe my curiosity stems from the fact that he has never said a bad word about her really. Unless you count 'she had an affair' but even then, he was so restrained. I also compare the respectful way he doesn't mention his xw with the way my xh would trash me. My x h was a controlling nightmare.

I'm not digging, it's just that there's the her truth, his truth and real truth, so they say. Oh ignore me, I am just trying to figure out if sometimes a good man is a good man and it's that simple.

OP posts:

emsyj · 21/08/2012 00:03

I would personally not try to speak to the ex, but to assess what his views are of her and whether they seem extreme. If he is polite about her and doesn't seem bitter or call her horrible names, that seems fair to me. I would be wary of a man reporting his ex to be 'psycho' or similar, or who called her a slag/bitch. It's fine for him to say she cheated, that he was upset etc though.

DH doesn't say much about his ex before me - when pressed, he says she was a bit dim and as a result could be hard work to have a conversation with (I've met her and can confirm this is true!) But he doesn't ever try to say that she is a bad person, or ugly, or anything really horrible. Just that it didn't work out, he didn't really love her and that they weren't well matched. I think she cheated on him towards the end, but their relationship was all but over by then anyway so I don't think he's too bothered about that aspect. This all seems reasonable and normal to me.

complexnumber · 21/08/2012 00:17

So you would be happy about him prying into your past without your knowledge?

LineRunner · 21/08/2012 00:19

If he's not slagging her off at all, then where's the problem, really?

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2012 00:25

If you look at some of the posts on here about new partners and one of the red flags is "slagging" off the Ex and turning her in to the Pyscho bitch.

Of course the other red flag is not "slagging" off the Ex as it means that he is not over her.

So you pays your money and takes your chances.

LineRunner · 21/08/2012 00:30

I suppose the normal thing to do is to expect to meet the Ex at least once at a social function or arranged drink or dinner, especilly where there are children involved.

AnuvvaMuvva · 21/08/2012 00:34

It's unreasonable but I can completely understand why you'd feel that way. I feel that way too about my lovely DP.

I think we're just nosey.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2012 01:15

He sounds great. Respectful to a fault.

Original poster

Shoon · 21/08/2012 09:39

yeah I guess if I had a tiny concern it would be that because her affair ended the marriage he's still going to have a place in his heart for her. I would hate to be compared to her (less intelligent, less interesting, less......... who knows?)

I know it's not reasonable and I'd never do anything about it but I am still curious. I know he is a bit of an online detective but he told me what he had done to discover something and I didn't judge at all because I know I've done similar things!

OP posts:

Kayano · 21/08/2012 10:09

Why don't you get references from work and his bank statement while you are at it

What a horrible world we live in

allnewtaketwo · 21/08/2012 10:12

I couldn't have a relationship with somebody who felt the need to speak to my ex husband to find out his version of events. How odd.

Kayano · 21/08/2012 10:16

So actually she had an affair and you want to check up on him?

My slag ex sil slept with other people and bil moved out. She sent him a letter saying she was sorry, he was a great dad and had always been there for her

Since then she has re-written history in her own head and tried to justify herself. It started with she was sick of being home alone (shouldn't have got yourself sacked then ) then bil had been neglecting her needs (not sure you would want to sleep with someone who threw photo frames at your head when holding a child) and now he was emotionally abusive

It was the other way around

So no, asking the ex is a stupid idea

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 21/08/2012 10:19

Their relationship is their business - the fact you are now in a relationship doesn't give you the right (maybe the wrong word) to go poking about in his past relationships.

Tryharder · 21/08/2012 10:21

I sympathise OP. My DH was with his XP for many years and despite her cheating on him numerous times, always took her back and has never slagged her off.

It took me a while to truly understand that he doesn't want to be with her now but maintains respect for her as the mother of his first child.

I think your DP sounds really nice and agree with others that it is better for a man to remain respectful and silent about his former partner rather than ranting and raving about her and slagging her off.

HecateHarshPants · 21/08/2012 13:02

All he has to say on the subject is that she had an affair. He doesn't go into details or bitch about her, doesn't seem to hate her...

He is showing you that he is a good man! How many of us could be so restrained if our spouse had had an affair? I couldn't.

thegoatswife · 21/08/2012 13:09

Don't "they" say there are three sides to every story?- his, hers and the truth?? Really all you can do is live in the here and now and ask your self do you have some alarm bells because of commitment issues you may have (and are looking for reasons for not not to be as good as it is) or is it some niggling doubt that you need to listen to? Sorry I don't think I've been much help.

thegoatswife · 21/08/2012 13:12

Sorry just re read one of your posts and saw you already wrote that! Good luck

Dogsmom · 21/08/2012 14:21

My best friend wishes she had heard her husbands ex's view of things.

When they met he was a normal sized, happy, chatty, helpful bloke, (his ex has 2 timed him), they had a whirlwind romance and were married within a year.

Fast forward to today, 4 years down the line, he has regained 6 stone that he lost just before meeting my friend and is the most lazy, miserable, moody, unhelpful bloke you could meet!

I don't think anyone is themselves in the early days and how he is today is probably how he was with his ex and the reason she had an affair and left.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/08/2012 15:01

I think it's natural to be curious, but even if you met the ex and asked her all the things you are thinking about, you still wouldn't get an absolute 'truth' - you would get her perceptions, or the spin she wanted to put on things.

Best to just take your time with this relationship and judge him according to how he is with you. Natural to be curious though.

Original poster

Shoon · 21/08/2012 20:51

Dogsmom, that is very interesting! I should have made it clearer in my OP that I'm not a total lunatic. The post was quite flippant really. I would never do anything to satisfy my curiosity, I certainly wouldn't go behind his back or do anything complicated or deceitful just to hear another version of what he's told me, but yet, I am still curious. I realise there is no way that my curiosity can ever be satisfied. I have to use my own judgement. Maybe that's the scary part!

OP posts:

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