Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

should BIL have offered congrats or even just mentioned pregnancy?

35 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2012 22:40

Am just interested in others' views on this as I don't really know what to think myself.
Just seen sis and BIL for the first time since telling sis (on phone a few days ago) that am pg. It's my first.
Saw them both today and BIL didn't even mention it, let alone say congrats or anything.
Not a big deal to me in too many ways to mention, I am not at all interested in being any kind of diva and tbh at times I am happy not to have to deal with talking about pg stuff with family!!
But as I have thought about it a bit this evening, I am starting to wonder if he 'should' have said something, even just one word? I have always been the world's most doting auntie to their 3 kids (in fact that is why I was round there today, dragged myself to see them despite feeling vile and nauseous all day) and give them as much time and energy as I possibly can.
Might it have been nice for him to have said something or is it no biggie?
I'm not sure it's an excuse just to say that he's a typical man who doesn't really get excited etc about babies, my DH couldn't care less about most people's babies (I mean that in a nice way!!) and yet he would always congratulate someone, esp a family member, and mean it.
BIL isn't the world's greatest, tbh I was actually worried about seeing him as I was assuming he'd manage to say something rude or tactless about pg and annoy me anyway!
Just striking me as not quite right now that he somehow managed to say nothing. I do know that he knows about it btw.
Any opinions, please? I do know that this isn't exactly of earth-shattering importance! Just interested in what people think!! :)

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2012 22:41

Were there other people there? Did he know if they knew or not?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2012 22:42

Oh, and congratulations

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2012 22:42

Nope, just him and sis (and 3 kids aged 5 downwards...)

OP posts:

Trills · 20/08/2012 22:42

Your pregnancy is not as important to other people as it is to you.

Maybe it didn't come to his mind during the time he saw you.

Maybe he couldn't think what to say.

Maybe he thought that your sister would speak on both their behalves, since she's your sister (and possibly because she's a woman).

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2012 22:43

Thank you MrsTerryPratchett!! God, I feel as if I have trapped people into feeling they have to pass on congrats now! I honestly don't mean it!! It's just odd that for example I have had more excitement from the lady who does my Brazilian waxes than my BIL...

OP posts:

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2012 22:44

Trills that is a very interesting and good post, thank you. All those things may well be true. I guess that's maybe what I thought at the time and then have dwelled on it all eve, ever since DH asked what did they say etc...

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2012 22:45

It costs nothing after all. I do think this is the stuff that greases the wheels of society. I think he probably forgot I forget everything and have only one child.

Trills · 20/08/2012 22:51

I doubt he was deliberately snubbing you, anyway :)

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 20/08/2012 22:53

Trills thanks, you're right, I don't think he was deliberately doing anything really, just being his usual self. He's not the most thoughtful or kind-hearted!! But thanks for the post, I was in danger of starting to take it personally thanks to hormones

OP posts:

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2012 22:57

Don't worry about it, BIL was probably just a bit thoughtless. My MIL responded to news of my pregnancy with dd2 with 'you're joking!' in horror as there is only 19 months between dd1 and 2. When I was pregnant with ds, dh asked her not to say anything rude again, so she didn't acknowledge the pregnancy at all for 6 months.

People can be odd. Just enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry about them.

foreverondiet · 20/08/2012 23:48

I am guessing that he wasn't 100% if it was still a secret, not weird at. You should have brought it up if you wanted him to talk about it.

StateofConfusion · 20/08/2012 23:53

I totally understand where you are coming from and your feelings (also pregnant) but I have a 5 and 3yo and personally me and dp would avoid mentioning pregnancy/baby around our dc until first scan, having suffered mc and mmcs myself I'm super anxious and its Not nice explaining to a child.

If that's not the reason, then they're a bit rude tbh!

FutTheShuckUp · 20/08/2012 23:55

What did you want him to say? Hi preggers? There is a thread almost identical to this started today but it is the MIL allegedly doing the snubbing

Popsandpip · 20/08/2012 23:55

Congrats! YANBU. It's just a polite thing to do.

If it makes you feel better (in a misery loves company kind of way), my BIL failed to wish my DH and I congrats at the family dinner when we announced I was pregnant and then left early without saying goodbye to anyone. And left his wife behind to find her own way home.
But he's an idiot.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2012 00:01

Are you absolutly sure that BiL has been told by sis?

VegansTasteBetter · 21/08/2012 01:08

Yanbu, obviously her pregnacy isn't as important to her bil as is to her but its still general politeness or do we not have to manners about things that don't personally involve us? Other people's birthdays aren't interesting to me but of course I still wish them happy birthdayon the day or congratulate them on their engagments promotions

McHappyPants2012 · 21/08/2012 05:55

after having 2 DC i am very wary on what to say to pregnant women, i got rather pissed off that every one and there dog 'advice' and there mind reading and feel they could touch my belly without asking permission.

i will say congrats when i am first told, but other than that i really just leave a pregnant women to talk to me first.

IMissPlutoBeingaPlanet · 21/08/2012 06:09

Yanbu! Of course he should have acknowledged it! Noone is asking him to clap his hands and jump and down squealing in excitement or throw you s baby shower, but he should have gave you and hug and said 'congratulations on your wonderful news" or something to that effect. Esp as you've no doubt spent alot of time and money on his children. Manners cost nothing, he definetly should have congratulated you.

Pitmountainpony · 21/08/2012 06:16

Let me make you feel better. We had a Skype call with bil at the weekend. First time he had seen our 4 month old. He did not notice the baby in the frame or say anything g to acknowledge she has been born. We just laughed after and said what an oddball he is. His dad has never once referred to her since born when we phone home. I honestly think he is just not interested and doubt he would know her name even. But we just try to see the comedy in it. People are odd. Sadly you can get landed with odd in laws.
. Finally my husband poi nTed out his niece on his knee ten mins into the conversation. Some people are just socially inept and too self preoccupied to notice your special new arrival, pregnancy etc.

iscream · 21/08/2012 06:34

He probably didn't think of it. I asked my ds and his gf and they agree. You could always say to him "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle in X months".

VivaLeBeaver · 21/08/2012 07:08

In this situation I'd say something like "hey, did my sister tell you the good news". That either jogs his memmory/gives him the OK to talk about it, he says yes, congrats. You're happy, job done.

Bunbaker · 21/08/2012 07:15

"Just seen sis and BIL for the first time since telling sis (on phone a few days ago) that am pg. It's my first.
Saw them both today and BIL didn't even mention it, let alone say congrats or anything."

I agree with Trills. If your BIL is anything like my husband he will have processed the information and dismissed it or simply forgotten it. It wouldn't occur to OH to offer congratulations to a newly pregnant relative because it just isn't important to him.

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 07:26

Honestly he probably just didn't even think about it. You are pg, end of for some people.

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 21/08/2012 07:40

Thanks for additional replies! Seems about split 50-50 which is v interesting... I don't know why I thought he would say anything (well, anything nice) tbh as he is a wanker difficult personality in all other situations, he barely acknowledges the presence of his children most of the time so wtf was I thinking he might remember anything he'd been told about me?!

OP posts:

NightmareWalking · 21/08/2012 10:42

I think some men people are like that - I still haven't had a congratulations or anything from my FIL and the baby is due in 4 weeks.

Flip

1 2