to be beating myself up for food binge while pg?

[emeraldgirl1]

Have battled (and mostly beaten) terrible binge-eating disorder for past 15 years. At one stage of my life it was ALL I did :( but I kicked the habit eventually and now only 'succumb' quite rarely, mostly when I am highly stressed or anxious about stuff.
I'm now 10 weeks pg and have just rounded off a (merely averagely) stressful day with a monumental binge on pizza, biscuits, whatever I could find :(
I'm beating myself up (not to mention the fact I am SO uncomfortable which serves me right) because a) I am worried this was highly negative for the baby and b) I am furious and mistrustful of myself for doing this. I hadn't even thought it would be an issue once I got pg as I 'thought' I would prioritise the baby's health. I guess I didn't anticipate how I would react to a build-up of anxiety.
I don't think I will do it again as I feel so bad but I am just feeling so fucking stupid and angry with myself; I thought I was better than this. :(

I think you need to get support for the ED, somewhere like B-EAT, maybe?

ps: don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

lljkk - what's really getting me down is that I do have support, I have seen a great counsellor for many years on and off, she has really helped as I don't think I could ever have beaten the ED as much as I have without her. But she is away at the moment and anyway I know myself well enough to know that even seeing her could not have prevented today's stupidity :(

Thanks lljkk, that's really nice of you to say. I just feel like a terrible mother IYSWIM. I couldn't even prevent myself from doing this now that I have another life inside me to think about.

YABU to beat yourself up. Far too much pressure on yourself. It was inevitable that something you struggle with would rear it's head during a time of stress. You're not a bad person for having an off day - you're human. It's not ideal to eat crap when you're pg but there are worse things in the world. By beating yourself up you will be stressing and that is worse than a pizza. Go easy on yourself, forgive yourself, but most importantly find a way to be kind to yourself. Learning to value and prioritise yourself before your baby comes will be a gift to your DC. Having a mum who treats herself with respect will teach them such a wonderful life lesson.

I wish I could take my own advice there - it is really hard to be kind to yourself when you've spent a lifetime hurting yourself [hugs]

It's only one eating binge, sorry to break the news to you, but you are going to do many much more stupid things when pg & later as a parent. You'll have decades of opportunities after all! :)

I was a binge eater, btw, so I'm not being dismissive. Just putting perspective on a single event.

More than one avenue of support would be best. Peer support, especially. What about the baby's father, is he any help? Or family?

Sorry, gotta run, my little pests need putting to bed. Keep posting & hopefully some others can give some support, too.

I really don't think you've harmed your baby. You deserve support in your own right. Do you have a named midwife yet? If so I would confide in her and ask her to signpost you to signpost you to help. Not because I think you've done something bad, but because you sound very unhappy .

Thank you so much DoMeDon. I think I'm really just taken aback and shocked at myself; ridiculous really as I have known about my issue for the better part of 2 decades! I'm finding the whole pregnancy thing pretty tough anyway, am hoping to God it gets better and more enjoyable after a few more weeks but right now I'm exhausted, nauseous all the time and don't fancy any food at all (I usually do enjoy my food; very important to me that I do after years of abusing it, and I am finding it very hard to be averse to the many things I usually love at the moment). I am also (the ED rearing its head in another way) FREAKED OUT beyond belief at all the changes happening to my body, I do not like them at all and am very worried about it all. Pathetic I know and I am very grateful to be pg but I can't help the way I am feeling. I knew I would find this hard, is partly why I put off ttc for so long, but it is way more daunting than even I realised.

Wow, what a lovely load of responses thank you so much!
I do have support from DH, always have, he is a superstar, but he's away til tomorrow and several time zones out right now!
Am rubbish at talking to friends, always have been, I'm the person my friend confide in IYKWIM, not the other way around.
I have mentioned in passing to midwife that I have had ED in past but I glossed over it because (stupid) I didn't think it would be an issue now. But it's good advice and I will bring this up with her next time.
I love the idea of existing on cheddar and cola cubes, FidgetySheep... I've been struggling with all my usual foods myself, the ONLY things that make me feel less nauseous are stodgy carbs, which of course have always been my 'trigger' foods in the distant past...

It all sounds so familiar. I found the huge focus on my body, my health and eating right such a massive pressure. It becomes the usual vicious circle of beating/eating/beating/eating..... Also getting something I had wanted so much (being pg) felt wrong as I didn't think I deserved it. I hope you can find a way to let this go, it was always going to happen, move past it. Please don't let it spoil what is a lovely, well-deserved thing

DoMeDon - wow, you have really just hit the nail on the head for me. The huge focus on my body is a BIG issue for me right now. Thinking constantly about what I can eat, what I should be eating, how much exercise I can do etc is very very unhealthy for me. But I don't know how to avoid all that. Not to mention the fact that other things are already changing (boobs, bloat, needing to wee all the time etc) that feel out of my control - and unfortunately control over my body is a big thing for me. Oddly enough, a balanced version of control is the way I have (mostly!) beaten the ED, taking charge of my own body by eating well, exercising etc, and I have always been much happier for it. Now I feel like all that is getting lost.

Op,please don't be too hard on yourself. Think of this pregnancy as a time to not focus on your eating but eating for the baby. Sometimes your baby will demand carbs,sometimes fruit. So long as you aren't mainlining pâté & soft cheese,then don't be too hard on yourself.
Obvs I don't know about ed so I'm not being trite but just be kind to yourself

the food you ate will not harm your baby , I would speak to your councillor about it but you may get cravings while pregnant so try and put it into perspective and dont beat yourself up ,

Thanks mrsjay - on a sensible level I do know that the food won't have harmed the baby, I just feel wretched about the stupidity of shovelling down all that sugar and carbs... doubly stupid as I suffer from chronic constipation (long-term thing made worse by pg) and a shed-load of junk food will only have made this problem worse. :(

I am just so sick and tired of constantly having to think about food and this has always proved a problem for my ED in the past. I feel like I am having to constantly think about food because I am constantly nauseous and the only thing that takes away the nausea is eating something. In particular, the only thing that takes away the nausea is stodgy carbs which were always my 'trigger' foods for the ED. Plus I am constantly trying to think about what kind of food I can actually face eating. All in all, thinking about food this much is not good for me and I think at least was partly responsible for triggering a binge.

Does anyone have any advice? Thanks so much in advance.

I definitely think you should get some support and counselling through this time of extra pressure on you with regards to food.

I just read you have a counsellor.. I would see her more and maybe try to join a support group

fanjo (I like your username :) ) yes i do need to see my counsellor asap, she's back in early sept and I am counting the days... hadn't thought of a support group, that's v good advice, will investigate...

Good idea, this is quite a lot to deal with alone, im sure there will be others going through the same thing

emarld i can't imagine what an ED is like having to worry about food and how it is affecting you, must be hard but do try and see it as a blip if you are feeling sick then carbs are helping you try and cut down , I wonder if there is some sort of support for pregnant women with eating disorders ? have you seen your midwife yet ask her for help she maybe be able to put you in touch with something or someone ,

Oh and quavers is good for nausea I ate packets and packets when pregnant i felt sick most of the time