AIBU or is this a classic Toxic MIL

[ruledbyheart]

oIn all honesty I'm not sure as I have never been part of a close knit family.

My DP and I have been together 18mths ish and the main cause of trouble is his mum and it's getting him down.
His mum phones him upto 3 times a day to make sure he is ok, we went on holiday just up the road really for a couple of days and she went nuts because he didnt phone and tell her.
She has a go because he doesnt visit enough (we try and visit every week or so).
She has a go because he isnt working at the moment, he has had 3 jobs in this time 2 temporary and one that he was in for 5 years before he met me that he was badly bullied in and left due to stress.
She had a right moan when he proposed to me as he bought a ring ( not expensive really) and has a go everytime he spends money on the wrong things ( e.g. Something she wouldnt buy).

I'm not sure I'm willing to agree on the basis of your OP.

Three times a day does sound excessive, but the rest sounds a bit subjective. What do you think of as "a go", for example?

Sorry phone sent to early.

She shouts and screams at him and he cant respond to her like this.

She has said some nasty things to him but he just lets it go.

She hates me although this hasn't been said but she makes it clear in other ways like blanking me when I speak to her if DP isnt in the room.

So AIBU in thinking she is toxic and Id be mad to marry DP if this is how our family life is gonna be ( god forbid I have a baby with DP)

I mean she shouts and gets hysterical to the point she cries that he doesnt love her and what did she do to deserve it ( him never visiting more than once a week).

Okay, that does sound pretty bad.

How does your partner react to all this?

He gets upset, and stressed he doesn't know what to do, he is a shy person.
He got angry once not overly but clearly annoyed and in response he was told he has angry issues and needs to see a councillor.

He sounds like a doormat.

OMG what a MIL you'll have.
Lesson one, how to deal with someone who is screaming and yelling at you down the phone. Hang up and walk away. No one deserves to be screamed at if she can't talk like an adult, stop listening.
Two. If she is screaming in person, get up and walk away, don't engage.
She will eventually get the message. It is your partners parent and he has to deal with it, but the rules apply to you too, if you are being yelled at.
Take control and don't let her bully your guys.

He has tried to just walk away but it gets worse.
I have heard it on the phone so many times where he''ll give the wrong answer to something and she''ll hang up on him and then ring and start again.

Today was the first time I was there, we know if she is gonna have a go as she tells him to go by himself so her and his SD gang up on him, today he said no and bought me as we are a united front and it was unbelievable, I stood shaking with anger the entire time as it was like she was bulling him and I couldnt say anything as she wouldnt stop, he gets upset and speechless.

I think he needs to distance himself from them.

If he doesn't like the way they treat him and they won't change - he doesn't have to see them.

He doesn't have to present himself to them for his dressing down. He has a choice

Don't know about toxic but she sounds very unwell.

AI think he worries as if he doesnt make the effort they WILL disown him and having such a big close knit family this means everyone and he will be all by himself.

He has had it since a kid that family istheoonly thing in life that matters and without it he is nothing ( is that even normal?)

His mum cant wait on us breaking up so he will move back home ( he is 25), as his
Uncle still lives at home and it appears people only move out if he has a family himself ( his SDC dont count apprently).

She gets right funny about me not ironing his clothes or making his dinner too, strange to me really.

If you marry him or have children with him, you will tie yourself to his family for the rest of your life and it will make you miserable.

If your marriage even survives it.

I would save myself the future pain and walk away now.

I've been part of one of these clans (father's family. walked away at 16 and never looked back!) and in my case the 'close-knit' stuff was bollocks. While talking about how close the family was, they were all backstabbing and bitchiness. Alliances and powerplay.

The only reason family gatherings lasted so long was everyone was afraid to be the first to leave the bloody room!

I'd be amazed if you didn't recognise this description.

Give me the nuclear family any day!

She sounds just like my
DM. She is very narcissistic and sees me and DD and DS as extensions of her. She is very controlling.

Everything your DMiL is doing is classic deeply controlling manipulation.

She won't change and your DP really needs to learn to set up some boundaries because otherwise she will continue to ride roughshod over everything he does. If you stay with him you need to agree as a couple that you will block all her toxic behaviour. She will probably see you as a huge threat to her control over him.

Remember though, that this will be incredibly hard for your DP as he has grown up with this behaviour as 'normal' and will live in psychological fear of her 'withdrawing' her love/favour/help etc.

Maybe both of you can look at a book called Toxic Parents. Can't remember who wrote off hand (on my phone) but it's on Amazon.

Good luck and sorry to sound so negative - it's manageable so long as you understand what you're dealing with!

On the basis of your OP, not toxic, just a pita. On the basis of your subsequent post that she shouts & screams, turns on the waterworks etc. extremely so.

To be honest, my mother phones often, has differing views on expenditure etc. but she would state an opinion once (okay maybe unwanted, but once).

What happens if you and she have conflicting opinions on an issue? On the basis that you presumably don't 'take tantrums' would your DP sided with her for an easy life? That would be a big concern for me. What would be the consequences if he sided with you?

Also, if you decided to have DC, I would expect this to get worse (think how your parent, how often she sees them etc.). If DC may be a possibility in the future, can you live with that?

I'd agree with others though that only your DP can really deal with this. He needs to set boundaries & enforce them consistently IMO (e.g. 'If you keep shouting I'm going to end the conversation' and hang up if she doesn't stop).

DP just clams up unfortunately and cant help it I see it frustrates him, he will change the conversation to avoid conflict if his DM disagrees with me on anything ( read everything she is the complete opposite of me in every way) if he can, he knows I can hold my own.

I know the future with DP is going to be a struggle especially if DC come along - I have 3 from a previous relationship and she likes to input on that subject as she thinks the setup with the EX is wrong ( it's a weird setup EX is over everyday all day to spend time with them and we all get on great including DP BUT it's our decision and we are happy with it) and she likes to have her input on how I parent but knows she has no place, however if DP and I have a DC I know she is going to be unbearable.
I know DP feels stuck due to the family ties and I love him so it would break my heart to leave but I can't face having a MIL so close to home that puts us in this position when she doesn't get her own way.

she does sound very nightmareish however deciding you have to leave a person you love because of an external person is a bit over dramatic.

just make it very very clear to dp that should you both decide to have children you will only do so if it on the condition that your future children have a limited relationship with her and do not have to see or hear her treating dp in that way.

children do not have to have anytype of a relationship with gp's other than a basic one they do not have to be minded by gp's and a gp has apsolutly no say in how a child is raised if you dont want them to.

you dont have to be unkind to her or about her at all just refuse to engage with her nonsence