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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if someone's been your bridesmaid, they should ask you to be thiers?

51 replies

winkle2 · 20/08/2012 16:17

I went to a hen do recently and the bride-to-be has been bridesmaid 5 times yet she was only having 2 bridesmaids herself.

Is there some sort of wedding etiquette?!

OP posts:
SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 20/08/2012 19:32

YABU, otherwise the bride could end up with loads of bridesmaids, dome of whom don't mean much to her by the time she gets married.

everlong · 20/08/2012 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/08/2012 19:51

This can only work if yo are all about the same age and get married in a staggered sort of arrangement surely?

Why would an adult want to be a bridesmaid anyway?

I can't imagine any of my adult friends wanting to walk up the aisle behind me in a yellow tutu, fairy wings, sneakers and clutching a bride Barbie Grin

Kayano · 20/08/2012 19:59

NO WAY

My bridesmaid did some really mean things to our family a few years ago.

If he asked me I would laugh at her. I hate looking at her devious face in my wedding pics.

Angry [rageface]

Blush. So no. Yabu

2rebecca · 20/08/2012 20:09

My bridesmaids were my younger cousins. I think of being a bridesmaid as a young girl thing and don't get adults who get upset about it, especially adults who are mothers.
I was a pregnant bridesmaid once though, but the bride wasn't my bridesmaid.

JeezyPeeps · 20/08/2012 20:11

Wow, so my daughter should invite her grandmother to be bridesmaid.... Hahaha!

Original poster
winkle2 · 20/08/2012 20:12

All the people she'd been bridesmaid for were at her hen party which I thought might have been a bit awkward.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 20/08/2012 20:14

Weddings are complicated! The bride doesn't always ask people she WANTS anyway. Sometimes there are family politics at play. Sometimes she is stupidly vain and wants only women of certain size/colour hair etc. Sometimes she only asks those who she knows won't mind paying for their own dresses as she is skint.

Who knows!?

But ultimately she reserves the right to choose whom she chooses without criticism.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 20:15

maid = unmarried

Matron (clue is in matron) of honour = married female friend.

Married bridesmaids are a big etiquette faux pas.

Original poster
winkle2 · 20/08/2012 20:19

Bridesmaid / matron of honour you know what I mean!!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 20/08/2012 20:24

No, I don't think they should have to. they should chose who they are closest to at the time. Friendships change over the years.

brighteyedbusytailed · 20/08/2012 20:33

A lot of people will disagree with you but I think its more humiliating for the person who has been snubbed rather than rude, its certainly not a nice thing to do.

MamaBear17 · 20/08/2012 20:54

My hubby's sisters were my bridesmaids but one of them told me in no uncertain terms that I would not be her bridesmaid because I would be too old by the time she got married!! (She is getting married next year and I am 28!) I firmly believe that it is each to their own though x

Bue · 20/08/2012 22:16

Married bridesmaids are not an etiquette faux pas. They are the norm now.

But no OP, there might be hard feelings in some cases, but these things are not reciprocal. I've been bridesmaid twice and neither of those brides are in my upcoming wedding (I am only having my sister). And they couldn't care less! We are still great friends.

samandi · 21/08/2012 09:25

Um, no. That's absurd.

kittyandthefontanelles · 21/08/2012 10:29

YABU and childish I'm afraid. I didn't have any bridesmaids. Flouncy nonsense.

She can choose whi she likes.

itsjustmeanon · 21/08/2012 10:44

I have a friend who was a bridesmaid for one of her uni friends, but when she got married a year later, did not ask said uni friend to be her bridesmaid. She had her sister, and two school friends. I personally thought it was rude, but uni friend was at hen do and wedding, and didn't say anything.

I was a bridesmaid for my best friend from uni, and had her as my bridesmaid. I wanted to return the compliment.

I think it depends on the situation, my mum wanted me to have my cousin (her niece) as a bridesmaid, but I would not expect my cousin to have me. It caused arguments as I just wanted to have my two friends, but reluctantly gave in, to keep mum happy. My cousin is 14 years younger than me, and I would not expect her to return the favour.

Ilovesunflowers · 21/08/2012 10:56

I have been a bridesmaid 4 times. I wouldn't reciprocate with all of them. One was for my cousin about 25 years ago (when I was very young!). She is now 50 so I don't think she'd have any interest in being my bridesmaid.

I have fallen out with one of people I was bridemaid for 9 years ago. Well we drifted apart really.

The other 2 will be my bridesmaids if I ever get married. I don't think it has to be reciprocated.

GoldWithADragonTattoo · 21/08/2012 11:00

My sister was a bridesmaid 5 times before she got married including for me and DH. When she got married she decided just to have me as matron of honour and my DCs as flower girl and page boy. It wasn't that she didn't value the close friendships she had with her friends she was BM for it's just that it wasn't practical to have that many adult attendants. So she decided that rather than have to choose between her close friends she would just ask family. I think that was a fair way of doing it and don't think any of her friends (who all came to the hen do) thought it was a bad idea. I think they could appreciate that 5 adult BMs, especially when you're in your thirties, would be a bit OTT.

sleepyhead · 21/08/2012 11:01

YABU.

I had one bridesmaid but I wouldn't have expected her to have me as her bridesmaid if she got married as she has 2 sisters.

As it was, she did get married and decided to have no bridesmaids. We all had a fab time. Her wedding was particularly lovely (which has little bearing on bridesmaids, I know).

sashh · 21/08/2012 11:11

I think you are confusing real life with an episode of friends OP.

Original poster
winkle2 · 21/08/2012 11:40

sashh that made me laugh!

OP posts:
fruitysummer · 21/08/2012 12:22

I've been a bridesmaid 7 times.

Out of those 7 brides none were my maids/matrons and only 3 of them were invited to my day do, 3 to the evening do and one not invited to any of it!

Loriens · 21/08/2012 12:54

I have been bridesmaid a couple of times but as I was an 'older' bride I was horrified at the the thought of bridesmaids. My brother signed the register and I did have him socks embroidered with 'Chief Bridesmaid ' on Wink

I also had my very excited 5 year old DN (DB's daughter) as an attendant.
After the ceremony she very earnestly promised me that I would be her bridesmaid when she got married. Fast forward four years and she very seriously asked me yesterday if I would mind if I wasn't her bridesmaid when she marries as I was now too old and wouldn't look right in purple...

bronze · 21/08/2012 12:56

I was only invited to the evening do of my bridesmaids wedding. Have to admit that hurt a little but I would never have assumed I would be her bridesmaid.

But then I'm also the person who managed to not be invited to her 'best frends' wedding so I try not to dwell on these things too much