to feel sad gutted about ds and mate drifting apart

[lakia]

They have been mates since infant school with the mate spending alot of time at our house in holidays etc.
They are both aged 11 and ds's friend is fairly outgoing and confident etc whereas ds can be shy has friends at school but he doesn,t play out or anything he doesn,t live near friends from school and ds is more than happy to just spend time sitting on xbox live etc so I am not saying that ds is miserable or anything.
ds has his share of certain emotional problems at times and he can be quite awkward stroppy etc and of course his mate has seen this side of him sometimes which I am sure is certainly not going to strenghen the realtionships. despite this they have always had a good friendship but recnetly I have seen ds;s friend lean towards another lad that ds is also friends with and these two have spent alot of time together during these holidays phoning each other up and having sleepovers etc.
Ds has not been over to either of their houses once although they have both been to ours.
I am not completely sure why that is but can only think that the boys parents are not going to ask ds over unless their own ds asks for my ds to come.
I also think that the mother of ds;s best mate is possiblyputting distance between them by encouraging him more with this other friendship.
I feel very sad about it and even if I don,t have a right to be I am a little annoyed that ds hasn.t been asked to spend time with them at all.
Should I be encouraging ds onto other frienndships do you think at this stage
as I am not sure whether to keep these friendships going or not as the two boys appear more interested in each other we had one of them over yesterday and the other one was phoning him to arrange a get together whilst he was out with myself and my ds.
I am not sure if ds senses they are becoming very friendly or not and not involving him.
Just to say that myself and the other boys parents havew alway been involved in arranging get togethers for the boys despite them now been 11
The friendship these boys have with ds still seems okay when they come to ours.

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I know it tugs away inside you because we have all been through that worry. I think you must let him make his own way with his friendships now. I encourage my 12 year old dd to contact friends at times but never arrange anything myself now.
I think when they start secondary school they go through a new transition with friends anyway. So if he is just about to start secondary school that will make a big impact on his old friendships.

Friendships often change at this age as they change schools, etc. I remember feeling upset for my DS when this happened to him but life moves on and he will make other friends.

You can only be there and offer to help if he wants you too but don't get caught up in trying to manipulate things.

Maybe his friend doesnt want to indulge the side he has seen and doesnt like of your son. You cant blame him for this. Is he getting any help for his emotional problems?
You cant possibly expect the other child to include your son purely because a friend of his is his friend can you?

Yes encourage him to have other friends, too.

Thank you for your replies.
Yes I feel like just laying off and stopping the arranging now.
However I am terrified that ds is going to end up without ever having having contact with his peers.
I know what he is like he will spend all of his time on his own in his own company if I stop.
I am really worried for him.
He lives too far away from any friends that he has at school to walk to their houses.
Ds is lacking in confidence although I also suepct he simply cannot be bothered to make the effort to socialise either.
I have tried to tell him that he needs to start trying to arrange things himself but he just either isin,t ready or he can,t be bothered as his words today were so what does it matter anyway.
This is a boy who I can,t even get to walk to the shop.
I am so concerned about him as his friends are now sorting things out themselves and he is not involved.

Yes fut he has been having some help although he remains the same as always.
Leena does your dd take your advice my ds will simply not do that.
I think the problem is that ds has not matured enough for the practicalities of walking to meet up etc etc as I said he won,t even walk to the shop.
He had the chance to go swimming with some old friends which would have entailed him walking a way with thrre other boys and he would simply not do it.

Yes dd will get on her phone and do it. She arranged something yesterday with a girl I've never seen or heard of and she said oh we've been good friends for ages!
I think lamia that they all go through a period of hiding in their bedrooms and you shouldn't get too worried about it. My dd did the same. It's a stage that's all.

Would it work for you to put your foot down & insist he joins a club with social element? He can try different ones, but point is he has to try them out.

Obvious clubs that come to mind: martial arts, Scouts, most minority sports, rugby. If you live in the right area there are geek club choices, like programming or Lego.