Hello I'm the husband of friendlyfaces and I'd like to clear up a few things.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1530095-DH-wants-to-end-our-marriage-wwyd
The depression that my wife speaks of is under control and has not been an issue for nearly 12 months. I was given a web site by my doctor that gives you a question-air each day and keeps track of my mood so i can see over the past year how i'm doing. I am now and have been for the past year not depressed.
How ever this does not stop my wife using it in an argument to "hurt me".
"your mental"
"you need help"
"Your f*ing pathetic"
"I f**ing hate you"
"why don't you just fk off you b**d"
"i need you to hurt" is one of the phrases my wife uses during an argument as her reason for saying hurtful things.
"all you do is talk and I'm hurting so I need you to hurt as well so that's why I say these things"
These are just a few of the many phrases I have to put up with on a near daily basis, and these are shouted at the top of her voice usually a couple of inches away from my face.
Did I break her favourite mug? did I miss her birthday? did I crash the car?
No these phrases are used when I, for example move the book she's reading at the moment from a chair I want to sit on to the arm of the sofa,
Not only that but I know these "little things" get to her so tell her where I'm moving it from and to, and i make sure she can still visually see it.
but this makes no difference.
The thing is these arguments aren't about who's going to pay the rent this month or how we are going to tax the car next month its always about little things being moved.
And as far as the "fixing you" phrase, I've know her for over 15 years and did not experiences any of this side of her until just before the wedding. I talked to friends and family and they said organising a wedding is one of the most stressful things you can do so I put her mood down to wedding stress. But things have got progressively worse over the last year.
I knew her life was bad at home, she has cerebral palsy and cant drive and uses a wheelchair to get around so was stuck at home. I'd pick her up for dates and as soon as I got out of the car I could hear her dad shouting, I hadn't even walked up the drive.
I knew her and had feelings for her all through school, she is the funniest, strongest and nicest person i'd met. The determination she has to do things inspires me.
I loved her through and through.
She'd cry in my arms telling me just the tip of the iceberg of what her life was like at home for her and her mum and brothers and sisters.
I loved her and want to be her knight in shining armour, I told her my feelings for her and she said she had them too, we moved in after a year of dating. I felt a could protect her. I thought if she left the volatile aggressive angry environment and I gave her a loving warm non aggressive home we could give her the life I felt she deserved.
But in arguments we've had since she keeps telling me
"there's nothing wrong with me your the one with the f***g problems"
I've left to go to my dads on 2 occasions when i felt that she wouldn't listen and just kept shouting and swearing in my face. Which just gets used in following arguments
"why don't you just f**k off back to mummy's and daddy's"
"your f***g pathetic"
So last night when I finally told her I'd had enough and we were over she grabbed hold of my wrists and told me I wasn't going anywhere.
She has a very strong upper body as she uses a wheelchair and she over powered me for a moment and said
"I'm hurting so I'm going to hurt you"
I understand her childhood has really affected her and i thought i could help but I don't think she wants me to.
She said how sorry she is and know she is sorry but I feel now things have gone too far.
I don't know what to do, things have changed now and i still want to get her through this but I don't know if i should be her husband or just as her friend.
What should i do?