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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Issues please help

30 replies

Madeupnamex · 20/08/2012 09:33

Hi Have namechanged as worried I may reveal myself otherwise.
Please be honest as you can and tell me if I am unreasonable?
I have been with my parent for 6 years engaged for 2. I am 15 weeks pregnant we only found out at 8 weeks and told our parents straight away. my MIL seemed quite happy for us although she doesn?t show emotion ever she did say congrats and say she?d get knitting (pretty much as good as it gets with her).
Anyway yesterday we visited her, first time we have seen her since announcing the news. She was telling us all about work, the neighbours, her food shopping, her dog?s vet bills, how nice someone off corries figure is etc etc. A good 25 minutes chat ? no mention of how have you been feeling, how is baby, how did your scan go ? nothing.
At this point I was not happy but wasn?t going to mention the baby as wanted to see if MIL was going to discuss the topic at all. My OH must have realised this and changed the subject to the baby which we then spoke about for a couple of mins. We stupidly mentioned the name idea which I thought she would love as very traditional ? the reposnse we got was ?right? 
After she went I told my OH that I was upset that she seemed like she wasn?t really interested in the baby or pregnancy at all. His argument was that she is a unemotional person ? as I said back I don?t think this is a personality problem it?s a problem with basic manners- If I saw someone for the first time since they had announced big news I would ask about it- that?s normal isn?t it?
I feel like my parents are so involved phone calls, asking about bump, constant name ideas and little present etc in comparison it seems his mum could not care less. AIBU?

OP posts:

reastie · 20/08/2012 09:40

YANBU but at the same time maybe YABU as I think maybe that's just her and how she is. I'm sure it's not that she doesn't care, maybe it's her way or how she was brought up. I'm not sure how old she is, but I know lots of older folks don't seem to discuss pg and it was brushed under the carpet a bit - maybe that's how she thinks it's normal to behave. I would find that really odd too. Btw just be glad she is saying 'right' to potential baby names - my MIL told me exactly what she thought of all the name options, and it wasn't all nice comments, I think I would have preferred something a little more impartial. It is odd not to mention it at all though Maybe she thinks it's still early days (to her). She may have personal reasons for not wanting to get emotionally attached to her new dgc until maybe she feels more certain of things and the pg has progressed further (she may have had lots of mcs in the past and not want to get her hopes up). Or, she might be funny about it as you're not married yet to your OH - people still are, infact DHs BIL/SIL assumed first time I was pg it was an accident as we weren't married (it was planned).

Does she have any other dgc? Do you know if she was the same with them?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 09:41

Is this her first grand child? If not she's been there, done it, read the book and starred in the film!

You need to accept that if she is unemotional, that is just the way she is. not everyone has this overwhelming urge of Diana-esque proportions to wear their heart on their sleeve. Some people keep emotions and feeling close to themselves.

Some people wait to be told, rather than have to solicit information.

Paiviaso · 20/08/2012 09:43

I think YABU to get upset if she is normally emotionally distant. Yes it's a bit rude, but your DH isn't upset, and it's HIS mother...

You have your parents to fawn over, enjoy that

EdithWeston · 20/08/2012 09:44

As your DP says, she's like this all the time.

Not being that interested in someone else's pregnancy isn't an indicator of what sort of grandparent she'll be idc.

crazygracieuk · 20/08/2012 09:46

There are many posts on here by people who think that their parents/in laws are too involved with the grandchildren- buying unwanted gifts, having opinions on names etc.

Some people are unemotional. It's not a slight on you or your child so try not to take it personally.

BebeBelge · 20/08/2012 09:46

I think you are being a bit unreasonable tbh. I might have expected a 'congratulations' but not much else. Babies are exciting, other people's pregnancies aren't necessarily particularly if you've already been through it yourself. How many kids did she have? After having had 3 myself pregnancy is a bit 'normal' iyswim?

frazzledbutcalm · 20/08/2012 09:47

YANBU - however, my MIL is very similar, and there's nothing you can do about it. I think it is just everyone is different and goes about things in their own way. It may not be the way we think is right. My dd fractured her arm 2.5 weeks ago and is in plaster. My MIL and FIL have not asked about her or been to see her in all that time!!! Despite dh seeing them every day as he works with them in the family business!! The list is endless as to the things they do... What makes it worse for us is, my dh has a sister who also has children. We have 4, she has 3. They are CLEARLY the favoured family. But that's another story...
My only advice is just to go about your own business, your own life, your own way. If she visits/rings whatever then be pleasant. If she misses out on anything then she's only got herself to blame. Try not to let it get to you.
(I cannot take my own advice mind!)

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 09:48

From my POV, I found it very intrusive when people asked me pregnancy questions. The only people I discussed anything personal with were DH and my own mother. In fact I got to the point where I found it down right rude with people perpetually asking when's it due/what is it?/what names have you got? - I know they were only being kind/interested but I felt like handing out laminated cards.

But then I'm not awfully sociable at the best of times.

Some of us like to be discrete. I dare say your MIL much the same.

RaisinDEtre · 20/08/2012 09:48

What reastie said; also I too can recall older folk in my family NOT talking about pg (bad luck or something like that?)

If MIL is naturally reserved then YABU to expect her to be effusive

congratulations on your pregnancy

redexpat · 20/08/2012 09:51

This will sound heartless but she is probably waiting for you to carry to term before she allows herself to get excited. She may have miscarried in her time, she almost certainly knows of others who have.

She may also not want to make a fuss of pregnancy because women have been doing it for thousands of years, and perhaps no one made a fuss of her so she simply doesn't know thaat her behaviour is not typical.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/08/2012 09:51

YABU - some people don't like to discuss pregnancy because they feel it is private, especially older people I find.

A family member of mine had awful problems with TTC. They tried for 15 years and had entirely given up when she eventually carried a baby to term. She cannot talk about pregnancy, and basically behaves as if someone is not pregnant.

Don't let it become an issue between you.

sawseesaw · 20/08/2012 09:52

My MIL is also very unemotional and this can mean no reaction to things, or a simple 'oh'. It used to offend me and I did have a few conversations similar to your OP when I was pregnant. I've just accepted that it's her. If your family and your DP are involved then that's great. I'm not saying that yabu, but I think you should save your own emotions, esp while pregnant.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 09:54

O/t - scans.

Why would I want to show someone a grainy photocopy of my innards? Much less see someone elses - I mean - there just isn't anything you can say about scan pictures is there? You're never sure if you re even holding it the right way up.

diddl · 20/08/2012 09:55

TBH, I can´t think of anything much worse than discussing my pregnancy with my MIL.

Presumably if everything wasn´t OK you would tell her.

She can also presumably see for herself that you look OK/well etc.

If she was the other way & wanting every detail that might also be wrong & you´d perhaps be fearful of over involvement when the baby is here.

Actually I can´t think that my own mum was that fussed about my pregnancies beyond a "everything OK/how are you feeling?"

She did like to see the scan pics though, as did MIL as they hadn´t had them.

RaisinDEtre · 20/08/2012 09:56

yy Jumping, reminds me of that Friends episode where Rachel couldn't see the baby, then she could, then she couldn't

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 09:57

most scans are so bad, they may as well be still shots from the 1969 moon landing

frazzledbutcalm · 20/08/2012 10:01

My scan photos were really good. Personally I like to see scan photos, but just for a quick glance as obviously other peoples are not as interesting as your own
I wouldn't expect everyone to be enthusiastic about seeing scan photos though..

Original poster

Madeupnamex · 20/08/2012 10:05

Thanks for feeback. Reastie is has 2 other DGC that she dotes on. And her DD wasnt married before she had the first one and no issues there.
Suppose i found it all grating when her neighbours daughters new kitchen is higher up the agenda than her son's firstborn? But i do have issues with her so that maybe making this worse than it is so do take on board comments thansk

OP posts:

FutTheShuckUp · 20/08/2012 10:13

Why does anyone need to ask about 'bump' you are only 15 weeks pregnant! I understand it's the biggest thing to happen to you in the world right now but to everyone else a pregnancy isn't that exciting!! Please don't turn into a baby bore!!

ChitchatAtHome · 20/08/2012 10:13

At first I thought YANBU because it sounds really odd that she didn't mention it at all. But then thinking about it, neither did you!!! If you don't have the closest of relationships she may well be taking her cue from you. You stayed silent about it, so did she.

I think YABU criticising her for not mentioning it when in fact the pregnancy is a bigger deal for you than for her, and YOU didn't mention it either. I think your 'test' backfired on you.

DappyHays · 20/08/2012 10:20

My MIL asked me the colour of the pram, when she took the phonecall from the shop to say it was ready for collection.

Other than that she phoned the day of my MW appointment to let me know my induction date, to ask when I was going into hospital. When I told her her reply was "at least DH will be able to have a drink" as he'd stopped drinking about a month before my due date in case he had to rush me into hospital (no chance as it turned out).

Like you, I'd not mention it just to see if she would so there was a little bit of unreasonableness (is that a word?) on both sides, I think.

Second pregnancy she was dead, so it wasn't something I had to think about.

FutTheShuckUp · 20/08/2012 10:22

OP serious question here- you aren't expecting everyone to mention your pregnancy every time they see you are you? You don't want to turn every conversation into being about 'the baby' because it's going to be a very long nine months for those around you

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 10:25

I'm quite 'old school' so this dreadful 1950's mindset applies to me - superstitious - you do not tell anyone before 12 weeks (other than your DH and your mother) - I was lucky, I really didn't show until the very end, so I was able to go about my business without 9 moths of questioning. In fact with DS3, I got to 7 months and someone asked me if I was ever thinking off having another and out he popped three weeks later

But I was much the same about our wedding. Six months in the planning, invitations out six weeks beforehand. It avoided all the repetitive questions.

frazzledbutcalm · 20/08/2012 10:28

fut I think you're being a bit horrible. It's the OP first pregnancy. She's bound to be excited and it's reasonable to expect MIL to ask about her!
madeup - enjoy your pregnancy, you're allowed to be a 'baby bore'

FutTheShuckUp · 20/08/2012 10:31

It's not horrible to point out pregnancy is more important to the expectant parents than anyone else. And personally I think it's so boring when people who are expecting want to turn every conversation around to being pregnant/babies

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