I hope i'm posting this in the right place as tbh i'm not sure where i should go with it, I did try talking with dm but as what its about she got upset due to everything that's happened so far and i just want to know if i ibu and the utter cow that i feel like.
I met my oh 18 months ago and we spent around 10 months just getting to know each other as friends, after a couple of months of realising there was something there between us and talking about it we decided we would give a relationship a go even though at the moment its long distance.
I've tried to be careful and not rush things as frankly after a couple of bad relationships and the fact i have dc's i wanted to make sure it would be something that would be long term and right for us all if that makes sence. Everything had been going really well and oh started talking long term plans living together, marriage and kids and then last month i found out i was pregnant.
We were both pretty shocked as we have always been careful just obviously not careful enough, anyway when i told him he freaked which thb i understand as this will be his first child. He told me he wasn't ready and that he'd support me going for an abortion and it was too soon and in a shocked panic i agreed to see the gp about getting an abortion. I did ring the gp and an appointment was booked but the closer it got to it the more wrong it felt and i told him as soon as the doubts started and when i was trying to explain how i was feeling he called me a liar as i had agreed to do it. In all fairness i did and i told him i was still going and that i was just trying to tell him how i was feeling as he had asked.
We went and bottom line is i couldn't do it and ran out crying and shaking. We stood outside the hospital for ages and i agreed to speak to a counciller who told me the dr wouldn't agree to do it as they were worried how it would effect my mental health afterwards and i was to think about it and make my decision a little later , i was 6 weeks at this point. I told him this and he took me home we spent the night talking about everything but what had happened until the next morning when he said we both needed to take time to calm down after what had happened and talk properly again when we had. I did spend time thinking about it and i thought about not only what would happen if i kept the baby and he stuck around but also if i could cope as a single mum with one more if he didn't.
I decided that no matter what i was going through with the pregnancy and it was one of the most difficult things i have ever done as i do really love oh but i just can't do what he wanted. After a week he still hadn't brought it up so i did and at first i couldn't get him to listen to what i was saying then he realised and went mad and called me a liar again, said i didn't love him and the trust was gone. I was devastated as i have always been honest and i did tell him as soon as the doubts started.
We didn't speak at all the next day and i did ring my dm to ask for her advice and straight away she told me to move closer (i live over 50 miles away) so she and my family can help support me with the pregnancy and my dc's. I told her i would think about it and she said just in case she would start looking into properties for me and my dc's. Oh rang the next day and we spoke briefly but not about the baby and this carried on for a week so i finally asked him what was going to happen between me him and the baby he went mad again saying he wouldn't cope and refused to speak to me again then after 24 more hours told me he was willing to try. I told him about dm's suggestion and he says he thinks its the best idea as he can guarantee being there for the scans but if i go into labour early he might not make it for the birth and even if he does i won't need to worry about childcare for my dc's.
This is where is gets totally confusing for me hes suddenly gone from not wanting the baby to now lecturing me on everything from the amount i'm sleeping to if i'm eating properly etc. Now don't get me wrong its great hes come to terms with it all but its all day everyday hes gone from one extreme to the other and while its nice he now seems to care its just a bit frustrating as he already knows this isn't my first. Part of me is worried about the big change in him as i am really worried he could change again and decide he doesn't want to be any part of it and i feel like an utter cow as i'm holding back a bit as i'm scared hes gonna hurt me again. I have suffered with depression for years and been off my antidepressants for about a year now but with way im feeling at the moment im starting to think im going to have to go back on them as all this is making me feel so low. I have tried to explain how i'm feeling to him as im a big believer in being honest and open but he just dismisses it as pregnancy hormones "as they can make you feel and act funny" and that im not being fair to him bring this up and putting how i feel on him.
I'm sorry this is so long but wanted to make sure i got all the facts in. Am i being a cow and putting all my crap feelings on him or should he be taking how i am feeling seriously.