in thinking exP is being ignorant and thoughtless

[internationalrescue]

I'm a name changer as this is pretty specific

Am I right in thinking that if you have a food intolerance, you would suffer ill effects every time you eat the food you have an intolerance too, and not just on 2 days out of 14?

I ask because I'm having a disagreement with my ex. Once again DS1 has come home from his weekend with his dad with an upset stomach, he went to bed with a bucket because he really thinks he might be sick. Ex is claiming that DS1 has a lactose intolerance but I don't see how this can be the case when DS has milk, cheese, yoghurts almost every day with me and is not ill, but he goes to his dads for a weekend and comes back with something that looks very much like mild food poisoning.

I think DS1 has some sort of intolerance, he has very occasionally had similar symptoms in my care and it's always been at Christmas, Easter, birthdays - basically days where he's had lots of refined sugars and/or fatty foods. If he has small amounts of those things, he's not ill. He has too much - he's puking. DS1 and his sister tell me that that's pretty much all they eat when they're at their dads (junk food that is, not puke).

I've talked to exP about this on a number of occasions and while he's all lovely lovely to my face, ''yes I understand, I'll make sure he eats properly'', the minute he's left with the kids apparently he's ranting away saying things like ''how dare she tell me how to parent'', and not making any changes at all to what he feeds the children. It's so frustrating and it's almost like he's not making the effort just to spite me. But it doesn't hurt me at all, it hurts DS1 who ends up ill.

Finally, so I'm not drip feeding. DS1 has Aspergers, he's 13 years old and while I do expect him to show a bit of responsibility, he does need guidance and prompting to eat healthily. For example, at Easter when he got his chocs, I reminded him he needed to be careful how much he ate but left it up to DS1 to ration out his chocolate.

he is a twat. YANBU, wish I could offer some clever advice, I cant, but hopefully someone else will

I have an intollerance to the white of eggs and mushrooms, but I am not ill every time I eat them. A few weeks ago I craved poached eggs which I had no effect, today had fried egg with breakfast took off the white but must have been little left within 1/2 hour terrible stomach pains, it's the same with mushrooms. I never know when I will or won't be ill.

If he had a food intolerance he would be the same when he's with you.
My daughter had one when she was younger, and I found it difficult, and lectures from her Dad didn't help, because then when I bought food I'd get nervous and panicky and miss or forget ingrediants I was meant to be avoiding.

What is your exP like for cleanliness? As it could be a problem with the stomach lining, if he's ingesting nasty bacteria.

Adore - I'd be more inclined to think you have IBS as my mum is exactly the same with egg as you.

Could your DS be very stressed when he is away? That can have a massive impact

Oh that old chestnut again. Whenever my DS2 goes to my parents at the weekend he is nearly always sick and throws up in their house.

My parents think he is allergic to cream and ice cream and that is why he is sick. No, its because they let him pig out on as much crap as he can get his hands on, drink nothing but coke all day.

When he is at home his eating is more controlled and he has never really had a problem with being sick whilst in my care (other than stomach bugs).

''What is your exP like for cleanliness? As it could be a problem with the stomach lining, if he's ingesting nasty bacteria.''

QyeenofDiamonds The odd time I've been in his house it's not been messy or unclean. ExP is a smoker though.

maristella ''Could your DS be very stressed when he is away? That can have a massive impact''

I don't think so. He seems to look forward to going to his dads.

I'm fairly confident that it is down to eating vast amounts of unhealthy foods. The last time he was unwell in this way in my care was Christmas and he'd scoffed down the entire contents of a selection box in the space of about an hour, was promptly sick and spent the rest of the evening making rather unpleasant egg smelling burps. He had no symptoms at all before that.

How old is your ds? If he's old enough, you might be better off trying to get him to take some responsibility for what he eats by reminding him how sick he seems to get when he eats too much rubbish.

My ex is a great Dad, but does tend to feed my dc too much rubbish when he has them because they do days out where it's easy to get a McDs on the way home, have an ice cream when they are out etc. We started to do a bit of planning between us so that we avoid too much treat food in one go. Like if I know he's planning a day to a theme park on a Saturday then I won't give them fish and chips on the Friday, or he won't give them ice cream and sweets if he knows they have a party the next day or whatever.

You do need to talk to your ex about it, but try and approach it in a non accusatory way in that you just want to plan their treats better, as you are likely to get a better response and his co operation that way.

DS1 is 13 and has Aspergers. In the OP I mentioned that I do expect him to show a bit of responsibility but he does need reminding and support.

I do try and be as non accusatory as possible when I'm talking to ex but he seems to take even the smallest suggestions from me as an attack on his parenting.

It sounds much more like an overload of junk than it does a genuine food intolerance, tbh. Most people would feel a bit sick after a weekend of wall to wall junk food but given your ex's determination to find an intolerance, perhaps it might be an idea to focus his attention on the junk food issue in that context?

I do know how difficult it is when people insist on finding different reasons for a child being ill when the answer is actually staring them in the face though. My former MIL never fed my dcs anything vaguely "junky" but was a great one for letting ds2 eat at least four helpings of her rich home made trifle. Usually just before we left to drive home. When the inevitable, messy consequences ensued, MIL would make passive aggressive comments about not realising he had food allergies. He didn't. But most people's stomachs would rebel against that sort of overload.

I know exactly what you mean! My ds1 is 12 and has aspergers, and also has a huge appetite! He never gets full and will never stop eating given the choice, unlike his sibling who will refuse dessert and stop eating when he's had enough. He knows he needs to limit himself, but when your parent is there offering you crap, it's going to be hard to refuse.

I've had to have these conversations with my ex because I worry that ds1 is putting on too much weight, but ex can get quite defensive when I say anything. I end up sounding really pathetic when I try and talk to him about it. I'm all 'I know it's going to be hard for you to avoid junk food this weekend because you are doing such a great job at giving the dc an exciting weekend that they will love, but would you mind terribly if they could have a proper meal with veg on Saturday night please, because I am just so worried that it will affect their health, and he is having dinner with a friend on Friday, and you know what they are like, he's bound to end up having chips. And theres been a couple of birthdays at school this week so they have had loads of sweets. Tut tut. Oh, thank you so much for doing that for me ex, you are a star for making all this effort to give them good food'

Then he leaves and I fight the urge to throw up! Ridiculous, but it achieves what I want and my kids get fed properly, so I'll go along with it.

YANBU and your ex is a dick but that's not going to solve anything. Lactose is very easy to avoid, cut it out of DS's diet and see what happens, you only need a couple of weeks to prove a point.