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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a child I'm going to tell his mum he called my dd a cunt?!

25 replies

Squibsquib · 19/08/2012 23:39

A child who my ds is friends can be a little shit. However, he's not too bad with my ds, and they get on well, so I've just kept a close eye, so far.

He is 10 years old and a bully. He terrorises every other kid he meets, but his father has drummed it into his head that the area they come from (they're not local, originally) is a "hard" place, everyone is "hard" and he should be the same. Anyway, because his dad is blatantly a moron, I've always kinda felt sorry for the kid and also because his parents don't seem to give a toss, I often have him in my house and feed him virtually every day, which is a nightmare as he's been bought up on super noodles and will eat very little else. But I thought I could make a difference and as I said, I felt sorry for him.

My dd is younger, she's 5, and wants and tries to join in with them, but just ends up annoying them, which sometimes ends up in a shouting match and I try to defuse the situation, but yesterday, they were outside my front door playing and ds's friends bike chain came off. He has anger problems and was getting more and more wound up, my dd was trying to help him and he told her to fuck off, called her a cunt and as he moved the bike away from her, her hand got caught in the chain. I went outside and told him I was not having him speaking to her like it and if he did it again, I'd go and see his mum.

Today we had another child come round, in tears, to say ds's friend had been picking on him. My dh told the kid to go and tell the ds's friends mum. He said he'd been there, but they wouldn't open the door, so he thought he'd tell us. Anyway, my ds and his friend came home at that moment and my dh said to ds friend he'd have to go see his mum. He also gave ds a bollocking, and we grounded him, as, as far as we're concerned, standing there watching someone being bullied and doing nothing is not acceptable either. Dh wasn't nasty or horrible to the friend, he just said he'd have to tell his mum.

He went off in a mood, then next minute, mum turned up on our doorstep. She said we've no right to tell him off and if there's a problem, we need to go straight to her. I agree to an extent, (which is actually what we told him we were going to do anyway) however, this child is frequently at my house from 10am, until late and I feel if they don't mind me having him in my house all day, then if hes being a little toerag in my home, I should be able to tell him to pack it in, if my dc were playing someone up whose house they were at, I'd expect them to tell them. The other day my dh got home from work at 8.30pm and was amazed he was still there. It was pissing down and because I was there alone with my 3 kids and ds friend and BOTH his parents were home, I kinda thought on principle I'd wait for them to fetch him. My dh took him home about 8.45. He'd been at my house since 10.30am and I'd had not so much as a phone call in all that time to see he was ok!

Thankfully dh spoke to her earlier when she came round, and not me, as I would've gone to town telling her some home truths, but I feel sorry for the lad. On one hand, I'm now thinking I don't want him in here if she's gonna be a twat, but on the other hand, I know what it's like to have a crap upbringing and parents who couldn't care less.

OP posts:

Tortington · 19/08/2012 23:43

its not fair on your family if you parent someone elses child - there need to be limits - like he goes home to eat, he is polite and respectful and he must go home at 6pm latest.

Flyonthewindscreen · 19/08/2012 23:45

Would take a big step back from this child and his family if I were you, for the sale of your own DC. I have a 10 year old DS and younger DD also and any friend of my DS who spoke to my DD like that would not be welcome in my home again.

Flyonthewindscreen · 19/08/2012 23:46

sake not sale

SoleSource · 19/08/2012 23:47

Yanbu the other mother is tne cunt. Refuse fo have him over anymore.

MoongirlsCat · 19/08/2012 23:48

Don't let him in again.

If he asks why you tell it's because he called your child a cunt in her own home.

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2012 23:49

There is no way on God's earth I would allow my DS to be friends with a child like that and I certainly wouldn't go about 'helping' the friendship along as you seem to be doing.

It's one thing to be understanding and even to feel sorry for him but generally kids will behave similar to their friends and there's no way I would want that sort of influence on any of my kids.

That said, they really wouldn't be friends with any kid who calls their siblings a fucking cunt and I know this for a fact.

I really would take a large step back and encourage your DS to do the same.

Inertia · 19/08/2012 23:53

Agree with Moongirl. At 10 he is old enough to take the consequences of his actions, and you would do him a big disservice to teach him that he can bully other children and still be welcome in your home to carry on doing it.

Original poster

Squibsquib · 19/08/2012 23:59

I know what you are all saying is right its just, as I said I had a pretty crappy upbringing myself and ended up going off the rails for a bit and if I'd just had one person to talk to it might've been different.

But he's not my responsibility, I know that. My responsibility are MY children. I'd already kinda made my mind up to not let him in again, just doubting myself, I guess and needed to be reassured I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:

helenthemadex · 20/08/2012 00:01

I would not be welcoming this child into my home when he had behaved like that towards my dc and I would tell him why, and if the mother asks why she is no longer getting free daily childcare he is no longer welcome to play I would tell her has well

It is your responsibility to parent and protect your own children not other peoples

helenthemadex · 20/08/2012 00:03

sorry cross posts, I understand why you feel bad but you have tried to help him quite a lot by the sound of it, all kids need to know what is acceptable and what is not and you are showing him that what he did is not

Inertia · 20/08/2012 00:03

He may have crappy parents, but he still needs boundaries.

WorraLiberty · 20/08/2012 00:06

Actually you know Inertia has hit the nail on the head I think.

You are doing him a great disservice by allowing him in after treating your DD like that.

If he has the type of parents who don't believe in actions having consequences, then not allowing him in and telling him in no uncertain terms why...might be the first time in his life he'll have to stop and think about his actions.

If (and it's a massive if) that makes him turn a corner, then perhaps you could review your decision in the future...if you see a pointed change in his behaviour?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/08/2012 00:06

YANBU He'd have been banned from my home from that moment on! I'd have simply told his mother why and left it at that.

I know many may disagree with me but this child's problems are not your problems. How he is being raised isn't your problem unless he is at risk of serious abuse/neglect, in which case you report them to SS.

Your DC come first and they both deserve to not be spoken to like that in their own home. I don't know if it's possible to stop your DS playing with this boy at all (my eldest is coming up to 5 so dont know much about 10 year olds!) but I'd be encouraging him to find some nice new mates to hang around with.

Original poster

Squibsquib · 20/08/2012 01:07

To be honest I told ds not to play with him today, the one who came round crying was the one who'd knocked for him and was the one he went out with, so I actually assumed he was with him. I was horrified when he knocked and said ds had done nothing when his friend was being nasty. Don't get me wrong my ds is old enough to speak for himself, he has a tongue in his mouth and he definitely knows right from wrong, so therefore definitely knows bullying is wrong, but I shouldn't of let him be friends with him in the first place and I was asking for it really. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, they say

There's a green literally yards away from our house where they all play, but due to the way the houses are situated I can't see it very well, so I'm just gonna have to watch him like a hawk and just ground him if I see him with him. God, I thought it was supposed to get easier as they got older?!!!!

OP posts:

MelanieSminge · 20/08/2012 01:16

She said we've no right to tell him off and if there's a problem, we need to go straight to her
see this thing of nobody having the 'right' to tell off kids is the problem. lazy cow doesn't mind you feeding him and having him over all day then?
Stop having him over, put your own kids first. If you are worried about him, phone the SS.

CaliforniaLeaving · 20/08/2012 01:39

I wouldn't let him in again and I'd tell him why, he has a foul mouth and a foul temper.
I'd also make sure your son knows if he stands by while this bully goes after his friends or sister again then he is as much to blame and will be grounded/punished whatever it is you would do if he were the instigator of all this.
Unless you nip it in the bud now while he's young, it will escalate as he'll think it's OK to hang out with this boy and do the stuff he does.

monsterchild · 20/08/2012 01:55

I agree with worra, I think you should tell him why he's not allow Ed in your home but also consider reviewing his future behavior and maybe he can redeem himself. I think your heat is in the right place, just one adult who cares can make a huge difference for a kid.but don't throw your own DC under the bus!

TroublesomeEx · 20/08/2012 07:49

I know what it's like to have a crap upbringing and parents who couldn't care less.

You're right. Growing up knowing that your mum wouldn't protect you in your own home could really damage how you feel about yourself.

Knowing that your mum prioritised the needs over a child whose behaviour was appalling and who upset you in your own home is horrible.

In fact, it's the sort of thing that your push you off the rails as you seek the validation you didn't receive at home elsewhere.

TroublesomeEx · 20/08/2012 07:52

Just in case you still weren't sure

If you're that worried, phone SS, but children take it incredibly personally if they feel that their parents prefer or are prioritising another child over them. However you might feel about it.

And quite rightly so.

mylidlpony · 20/08/2012 08:20

Don't forget a lot of people bring up foster children (often with problematic behaviour) alongside their own children without damaging them in any way.

frostyfingers · 20/08/2012 10:02

I've not had the sort of extreme problems you have, but on occasion had children here who's behaviour is not what I want and have said firmly "my house, my rules". That usually works, many unruly children are just not used to being told what they can or can't do, or what is acceptable etc. A long time ago we had a problem with one child who after I'd given him a lecture in a serious voice I heard him whisper " your mum's really scary"! Result!

It's way harder when you're up against couldn't care less parents, but like others have said you need to say if the child comes round again that you won't have him in the house when he behaves like that, he's welcome to come and play if he abides by your rules but is out as soon as he breaks them. They need the boundaries, although they don't realise it.

parabelle · 20/08/2012 10:19

You need to put your own kids first. It doesn't sound like you 5 year old particularly likes having him round. He's not your responsbility. I would take a step back.

TroublesomeEx · 20/08/2012 11:16

mylidlpony they do, but they don't have the parents sticking their beak in and telling the person caring for their child to back off!

Also, the OP isn't be supported by SS, she isn't 'caring' for this child. It's a totally different situation.

mylidlpony · 20/08/2012 12:28

Folkgirl I just mean many families (like mine) have children who are not 'theirs' with or without SS support (without in my case) and you have to deal with difficult behaviour. Although always conscious of my own child's needs, I also have a commitment to the other child in our family who needs to feel that although we are not his parents we love and protect him. I would rather my DS were not exposed to some of his behaviour, but that does not mean I expel him.

My case is irrelevant here, obviously, as the OP is not in any way a carer of this child - I just posted because the 'my kids come first' thing upsets me and I have sometimes been criticised in real life for bothering to do something that might upset my DS.

HappyAsChips · 21/08/2012 01:38

If he spoke to my dd like that he would never, EVER be welcome in my house again! Don't feel responsible for him just because he has inept parents. He sounds like a little shit bag and whatever his circumstances are at home, he's not your problem. I would also worry that he could have a detrimental influence on your ds. If I were in your shoes, I would stop my son from seeing him, and ban him from my house.

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